What's the most pretentious thing you've ever heard someone say? (lighthearted)

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

I went round someone's house and they were a shoe less house (no problem) but she airily pointed to a basket of slippers (felted, pointy, bright red, embroidered Tibetanny type like they have in the Toast catalogue) and said 'help yourself to the artisanal slippers'. There were dozens of pairs.

FUCK OFF - why would I want to sit around and look like an elf at your house?

these, but even pointier

Mine is going to need a bit of explaining, as I'm from Oz.

I was at a 'party' that a woman I knew was holding. It was one of those 'invite your friends over and get them to buy whatever crap I'm promoting tonight' parties. The woman lives in a posh neighbourhood, with a 3 storey house on the 'right' side of the harhour (ie facing north), and her girlfriends were all wives of CEO's, huge houses, Land Rovers in the drive. You get the picture.

Anyway, at one point in the night, one of her friends turns to me and says "So Zazzles, are you a Middle Harbour Mum?' I looked at her and replied "Oh no, I work for a living." Oddly enough, she avoided me for the rest of the evening.....

Not heard, read. On this thread:

*"MammaTJ Wed 21-Nov-12 18:42:56

Nasty chavvy girl belonging to the nasty chavvy family who live across the road from me. Both homes Housing Association. '*

We found my school reports from junior school, aged 8 when I had to say what I've felt about the topic we had been working on I said;
'Im not over struck with the past', why I put it like that instead of saying I didn't like it!

Friend with rich husband and full-time help said to me: 'I don't think it's God's will for us working women to also do our own cleaning'
I was so stunned that I actually couldn't answer and I just turned around and walked away. Is it possible for anyone to be so out of touch with reality? What about your cleaner love, or doesn't she qualify as a working woman?

My grandmother, to me: "We do not marry Catholics" about two months before I did that very thing. :o She's the daughter of the town "loose woman" and a man who drank himself to death the month before she was born, and her eldest son (my dad) is a tradesman who knocked up my mom when they were unwed teens, so what exactly she thinks "our sort" (a phrase she throws around a lot) is I'll never know.

Her daughter married a Catholic too, but he converted to the much-preferred Lutheranism so that was all right. Though they did go on to have six children, which of course my grandmother despises and blames on the Pope.

Oh, and her other son (my favorite uncle) married a Jewish woman and they are raising their daughter in the Jewish faith, but that is perfectly all right. Anything but a dirty Catholic.

I was about 14 and doing work experience, and some of us went to meet some clients/acquaintances for lunch. It was snowing and one woman turned up in a ushtanka hat. I told her it looked lovely and warm, purely to make conversation. She replied "oh yes, it's from Moscow. You wouldn't believe the problems I have buying fur in Chelsea. I've had eggs thrown at me and everything. Thing is, nothing is as warm and the Russians understand that."

I didn't quite know what to say!

Friend is teaching in prep school at the mo. A child said to him "Sir, does 'Lego' have a silent 't', like 'merlot'?"

Colleague and I were discussing the merits of shoe bags and other fabric 'storage solutions' for our work project. I was campaigning for poly/cotton as it's cheaper and the bags would be given away free. Colleague was adamant we must have expensive 100% cotton with a high thread count.

I told him, not necessary, look at when you buy an expensive leather bag - it comes in a free fabric bag but often that's a totally synthetic very cheap fabric. Colleague retorted,

''maybe with the kind of bags you buy, but the ones I buy certainly are more expensively packaged than that!''

I have a friend who firmly believes the first class passengers on the titanic were right to be put in the lifeboats first because they paid more

I used to work in a secondary school in a fairly disadvantaged area. I was with a colleague and we were pushing a big TV on a wheeled stand from upper school to lower school, and had to negotiate paving slabs and uneven ground etc. The bell went for lesson change just as we had reached a door, and a year 9 kid zoomed out of the door and nearly hit us. My colleague shouted (at the top of his voice) "Good grief - be very careful - the terrain is terribly rough."
The student just stood, looking at him, shrugged his shoulders and ran off.
I was bent double with laughing. We were in deepest, disadvantaged north Notts. it couldn't have been more out of place!

When DS1 was about four he was invited to a birthday party at McDonalds. It was the first time he'd been there. At that time that branch weren't offering a veggie burger or bean burger, so DS1 just had fries. He took a small bite of his first fry, did an exaggerated reluctant swallow, then firmly stated 'This isn't food!'. I was half embarrassed and half secretly proud.

And still pmsl over "artisanal slippers". I mean, what the actual?? :o

My 4 year old daughter and I were invited to afternoon tea at a rather posh neighbours house. I was so delighted, when on accepting a slice of chocolate sponge, she requested a cake fork....

And my DS, then aged about 6, caused me much pleasure by asking for seconds, thusly, 'please may I have some more trout, mummy?' It was on the reduced counter at Tesco, I'm not sure we've had it since!

I recently saw someone use the word 'thusly' on a MN thread.
Just teasing, EmmaNemms.

Thusly is not a real word!

It appears to have first been used by humorists, who may have been echoing the speech of poorly educated people straining to sound stylish. The word has subsequently gained some currency in educated usage, but it is still often regarded as incorrect.

Sorry. I know it's bad to pick up on grammar but THUSLY!

Putyoursockson "Friend is teaching in prep school at the mo. A child said to him "Sir, does 'Lego' have a silent 't', like 'merlot'?"

That has revived a so far crappy morning!

The Lego with a silent t is my favourite so far, too.
Can putyoursocksON get a sticker or something? The OP should also get a sticker for the artisanal slippers.

Axure (just incase you see this) - no, I was not taking the piss. I cannot see that it is pretentious not to want to change your name when you get married, for whatever reason. If you are known by your birth name as a writer, or anything else for that matter, then it seems to me perfectly reasonable to keep that name.

that guy is an amazing Urban Poet!"

once saw Keith Allen on a Programme trying to help poor people scary spice was also on the programme, anyway Keith Allen said of the housing estate they were living on as urban and gritty ok Keith

I agree Mintyy.

And absolutely anything on Radio 4's Food Programme - ie., 'people are increasingly moving awaay from the sort of mass produced cheese you can buy in a supermarket, and there's a grass-roots movement towards setting up your own micro-creamery in your cellar, outhouses, stables or even, as with our next guest, your own gameskeeper's cottage!'.

In our house we call that programme 'People Are Increasingly Moving Away From NO THEY'RE NOT'. It's always on when we're driving to do anything on a Sunday.

It's the olives coupled with the small children that does it.

It isn't the olives as rhonda said it is the little un wanting a whole jar it is the whole context of the olive