What's the most pretentious thing you've ever heard someone say? (lighthearted)

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

I went round someone's house and they were a shoe less house (no problem) but she airily pointed to a basket of slippers (felted, pointy, bright red, embroidered Tibetanny type like they have in the Toast catalogue) and said 'help yourself to the artisanal slippers'. There were dozens of pairs.

FUCK OFF - why would I want to sit around and look like an elf at your house?

these, but even pointier

Does pretentiously reverse-snobbish count?

If so, the time my mate insisted 'I know what it's like being working class. My parents are doctors and doctors work'. At the time they were busy paying for him to do a second degree because diddums didn't enjoy the first one ...

My aunt told my mum she was considering 'pensioning off' her Dartford wineglasses and buying some Waterford Crystal '... because [son] is 21 now and will be wanting to have dinner parties'.

This isn't awful, but was cringey at the time: a bloke I went to university was called by his middle name, not his first name. Every time someone teaching us went to check, '... so, it's Bob, not Jim' (funnily enough those aren't the real names), he'd jump in and say 'yes! Jim, like Jim FamousMan, he's my great-uncle and I'd hate for us to get confused!'

I still have no idea who Jim FamousMan was, nor did any of my teachers ever let on they'd heard of him.

The same bloke, when we were all getting to know each other, came out with the wonderful line: 'Oh, so some people didn't do four A levels then? How funny! I suppose if you are counting general studies, I have 6, actually ...'

I'll refrain from pointing out what he's not doing with his life now ...

i wen to buy a car once from a private seller. he asked where i was from and i told him. he said

"oh Xtown, yes i know it very well, i have property down there. what part do you live in?"

i told him

"i think i have a house in there. couldn't be sure. wouldn't know it if you put it infront of me."

A friend of a friend who seemed outwardly normal responded to the question 'is your house ready for the new baby?' by telling me that yes it was because she'd spent the previous day placing mental pentagles at key points around her home. Not sure if she was pretentious or just nuts.

Nuts, I vote, cogito!

When I was 16 and in 6th form a few of us were doing weekly work experience at the local mental health hospital (if that's even the right term). One of the girls piped up "can you tell me what ward I will be working on as I am slightly dubious about working here". Not bad as such but a bit odd out of a 16 year olds mouth.

A headmaster at a private school I visited proudly told me that they had students there from all walks of life and with a very wide range of ability levels. .... 'From those qualifying for Oxford and Cambridge, right down to those only doing one or two A-levels....'

There used to be a mum at my dds preschool who loved to drop label names into every conversation. Like her John Lewis shirt, her Bridgewater mug, her Smeg fridge, her Ugg boots, her Hunter wellies, her Boden dress, god it went on and on. She literally could not open her mouth without mentioning some brand name. They were hardly designer labels but she clearly thought they were. We used to play bingo with it. If you engaged her in conversation and she mentioned some brand name you got a point.

One of my more refined cub-scouts stepped out of the minibus on arrival at the camp-site, paused on the top step, sniffed the air, observed the mini-digger doing some maintenance work outside the camp offices and remarked .... 'Is this it? Rather more industrial than I was expecting'

I think this might be a bit of an urban myth but I heard tell of someone who walked into a meeting in a company where I used to work and said "so sorry I am late: my horse fell into my swimming pool."

Ohhh - cogito, that reminds me what the headmaster at a school my brother was maybe going to go to said to my parents: '... and of course, you want him to go here, because just down the road there is a private girls' school, so he won't end up dating some girl who wants to be a hairdresser'.

A dozy mare that I know has provided me with endless examples of this tosh !!
My towels are premium range, dont u know, premium range !!!
I like to cook pasta, pronounced parrrrsta !!!
I have an ISA !!!!! Dont you know ??? !!!
People with no taste, should leave design to those who have, whilst hanging an athena print !!!
Ooh, she makes great company !!!!

@LRD... It could well have been the same man. Stamford?

Not unless he moved ... not a million miles away, though!

What a horrible thought, maybe there are two of them.

When I was about seven, I asked my mum if the back door was the same as "the tradesmen's entrance". She laughed a lot. In my defence, I did read a lot of Enid Blyton.

Oh I love this thread!
I had had a night out with some friends and we were heading back in a taxi. My friend started saying she was going to be sick and making boaky noises. I assumed the driver would pick up on this and pull over and when he didn't I got a bit flustered. So I opened my mouth to demand he stop but what came out was actually "could you please park?" Both friends, boaky one and other one, were laughing at me by that point.

Dd on arrival at her first of school. In tears when I left because "mummy, who will open my brioche. And did you remember to pack my olives".

The staff couldn't contain themselves. This is in a school where it is quite common for kids to get sent in with the remnants of the previous days "lunch".

At an interview when I was about 20. I had put that I liked tennis on the application form and the interviewer said "What club do you belong to or are you just one of those awful people who watches Wimbledon once a year and say they like tenni ? Well actually yes! plus I played regularly at the free courts in the park but I don't suppose that counted in his book

Also fell in the Blyton trap BOF. I'm from the arse-end of Lancashire where the local dialect is pretty ripe but loved the way they spoke in the books. Ended up saying something like "these cakes are awfully good mother" to my DM who shot me a ferocious followed by an and said "what's awful about them, I'd like to know!????"

Didn't try that again in a hurry...

"Darling, can you get another bottle (of wine) from the cellar"

The cellar was actually the (very normal-sized) cupboard under the stairs

We had a request for a bottle of wine for a tombola at school where they suggested we "dust down something from the wine cellar" (or something). Or if you're me, buy whatever's on 3 for 12pounds and shove the other 2 in the carrier bag cupboard

A friends mother grandly announced that she had a policy of leaving any party where chicken drumsticks featured in the buffet.

Really?

And at nursery my son, aged three- when asked what he would like for his breakfast replied 'pain au chocolat'

A few years ago now, me saying "I love that Dry your eyes Mate song by The Streets"

"Oh yah, that guy is an amazing Urban Poet!"

Okay, this is probably going to out me, but considering my user name is the same as my blog I guess I outed already.

This woman I know was having a car boot sale and not doing very well. She was OUTRAGED and was swearing about the low life plebs who had bad taste by not buying her crap She exlaimed 'This is not ordinary stuff, this is top of the range Ikea^'

And she was serious.

Someone once told me they were going to 'see art' when asked what they were up to that day.

Great FB page here - for Glasgow people but some absolute gems of pretentiousness on it from types who live in the west end - www.facebook.com/Overheard.in.the.westend?fref=ts