What's the most pretentious thing you've ever heard someone say? (lighthearted)

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

I went round someone's house and they were a shoe less house (no problem) but she airily pointed to a basket of slippers (felted, pointy, bright red, embroidered Tibetanny type like they have in the Toast catalogue) and said 'help yourself to the artisanal slippers'. There were dozens of pairs.

FUCK OFF - why would I want to sit around and look like an elf at your house?

these, but even pointier

LOL and bread and balsamic and servant

Speaking to my class after the summer, a little boy said he just spent it at home.
Later in the conversation, he spoke about snorkelling and swimming in the warm turquoise ocean.
Even in summer that didn't sound right for the north of Scotland so I questioned him.
His reply was, no I was at my summer home in the Bahamas. Said in a tone that was like I had just asked the most ridiculous question ever.
Same child later in year said, "my father could buy and sell you"
Nice.

Overhead in John Lewis 'but their doorknobs are just so disappointing'

"Same child later in year said, "my father could buy and sell you"

Crying

I live in a largely mixed heritage area. Many folks here from Latin America and the first Europeans were Spanish. I was giving a clinic in a rural part of the state, and brought Spanish interpreter with me. The manager of the center told her (she is from Mexico) "the Spanish we speak is from Spain!"

As though other Spanish speakers are speaking Spanish from Japan, or something!

Had just moved house and were invited to a b-b-q at a neighbours with a few others from the village when the host asked in all seriousness whether anyone would like some ice-cream roulade for pudding. Yes please, only to be served Arctic Roll.

I have actually name changed as this could be a bit distinctive.

My best mate has many brilliant qualities but sometimes her DM takes over her soul and turns her into something she isn't, really. The latter refers to their family as nouveau pauvre and is always hankering to get back where they came from... [sigh] she is lovely apart from this niggling personality trait.

Anyway - this is one of those times. My best mate had just started seeing someone, who had a stockbroking account but whose day job was totally unrelated. We were out in a group of girls when she was talking about it and someone asked 'What's that?', to which she responded 'He's in shares' - in a very smug voice.

I kept schtum but my bloody sister caught my eye and mouthed it really pretentiously... cue me and my other sister fighting to silence the guffaws.

Oh yeah and giblets reminded me of a pantomine I went to in the Old Vic featuring Sandi Toksvig, who got some random kid (about 7/8 years old) out of the audience and asked her something like 'What do you think Window Twankee is cooking?'.... to which she replied in a dead posh voice 'Pheasant!'.

My post aside - I am sitting here [shocked] at some of these. Bupcakes and WillSing - yours especially.

Arse.

My mum could never understand why it went quiet in the inner city Coventry McDonalds, when she asked for a filet o fish & called it a feelay instead of fillet.

I was guilty a few years back of trilling out the following at a coffee shop 'DS1, come & have your babychino'.

I took my 11 year old DN to see a panto.

When Buttons started taking the piss out of xtown for being rich, he shouted out indignantly 'We're not rich! We're middle class!'

3b1g bless you! Er... not everyone has a playroom so it's a bit pretentious to presume they do?

Oh OK. We have a playroom, but not because we're rich or posh. More because the previous owners had converted the garage and because our children share most of their toys. A lot of our friends have playrooms too, all live in normal size semis.

I thought you were implying she was pretentious for having a playroom.

I once uttered the words to DH 'Oh no! I've got Weetabix on my Versace!'

In my defence,it was a maternity top I'd borrowed from a friend.I never buy branded stuff.Come to think of it,it probably wasn't Weetabix either,more than likely it was SmartPrice wheat bisks or something.

I tried having a playroom once, but it just got used as a huge toy cupboard, and the plastic tat and squawking kids still migrated to the livingroom with depressing regularity. It still just gets used as a dumping ground.

Girl over the road to her neighbour, a pupil at the local comp "I feel so sorry for people who can't afford a proper education for their children". The proper education her parents were paying for was at a third division public school and she lived in the smallest house in the road.

Myself and DP were attending what turned out to be a mind numbingly boring party in order to be introduced to our bessie mate's new partner and her friends.

Stuck for conversation as I didn't own a business/inherit money/recline at home whilst DH earned megabucks in the city I asked one person what they did.

"i'm a horse nutritionist" was the reply.

I could think of NOTHING to say to her.

The evening was later enlivened when DH discovered that the red wine he had been hoovering down was actually sloe gin and he was far more drunk than he intended to be.

Strangely we don't see them now.

Some people on holiday behind us at a Holkham Hall panto,

So, have you brought the horses down with you this year.....?

and

Julius is never here anymore, wish we had never bought that vineyard......!

and

Oh, I met up with Nigella the other day.......

i am sat next to my boss' wife at the works christmas "do" in a posh hotel in that there Londons.

Wife "oh dont you have a lovely accent, its like being in Emmerdale"

I am mancunian....not yorkshire....mancunian....t'other side of the pennines you idiot chinless wonder

me "oh....ha ha ha"

silence.............

My lovely nan thought she would try to be hip in 1988 and take me to macdonalds. I was so excited as I had only been once before. The excitement was short lived when she said very loudly, Sooonnnng, go and get the cutlery dear! She just couldn't cope without utensils. After that we went back to alders every time she took me out for lunch.

Putyoursockson "Friend is teaching in prep school at the mo. A child said to him "Sir, does 'Lego' have a silent 't', like 'merlot'?"

Howlingly funny, but had he been to Legoland, he may have been told the context that it does actually have a silent apostrophe, a silent g, and a silent dt, so it might not have been completely merlot-centred thought!

(it's "leg godt", which I only found out when Legoland opened in the uk... after a lifetime of playing with lego in front of parents who would've definitely had me disingenuously asking the same merlot question to show off, had they known the derivation of lego when I was 5)

crap. TWO silent apostrophes. I'm making this worse aren't I

At Gourmet Burger Kitchen the other week a couple probably about my folks' age were queuing in front of us. We were there about 10 minutes. When the waitress came to seat them the woman peered in & said 'I'm sorry. Are you expecting us to go & order our own food?' When the waitress said yes the woman waved her hand dismissively, said 'I don't think so in a very snooty voice & ushered her husband back out. Poor bloke looked like he was really looking forward to a GBK.