As the name suggests, I am sadly (but not that sadly) doing a shiney penguin....

[sadlydoingshineypenguins]

Quick potted history. With boyfriend 9 months. Not that serious but we had had the exclusive talk. Met on a dating site.

About a month ago had a feeling something wasn't right. Few nights he was supposed to be here and cancelled for dopey reasons that set my spidey sense tingling.

Looked on the dating site and lo and beholdy there is was, active, having logged in in the last 24 hours.

But I am not as stupid as he thinks I am.

I set up a profile called thisblokeliesandcheats (it's been taken down) with all his details except photo and spelled out what he'd done (thanks whoever that was who suggested that one) and I will probably do it again

At this point he's said he's coming here Thursday night to stop for the weekend (he doesn't work Friday)

BUT he has also arranged to meet "Anna" off the dating site at a lovely new restaurant for lunch on the Friday about an hour away from here (half an hour from his house)

Obviously, I am Anna.

So, how long do I keep this going. My teeth are itching I want to tell him so much

Am also a little upset, but I had nothing invested in the relationship, so my pride has taken a hit and I feel a bit of a mug but other than that am grand.

while he is waiting, text him to say that you're running late and can he get the champagne on ice

I like SaulGoods and Ballonslayers suggestions!

I have to brag say OP, that although Shiney had the great idea of setting up the fake date with her ex at a penguin sanctuary, the idea of the date herself turning out to be a penguin, was . . . ahem . . . mine.

I would stand him up for 1/2 an hour or so and then walk in, introduce yourself as Anna, pour drink over his head and then walk out. Sometimes simple is best.

Now nat that has definite potential.

he just texted to see how my day is going

Can I go as Anna please? I have bad tonsillitis that makes me sound like Kermit the Frog and I have coldsores all over my mouth making me look like the elephant man (what an attractive picture I paint)

Failing that, I love BalloonSlayer's idea.

The other thought I had was to get best friend to go, with assorted children that people would lend us (like about 8) and turn up saying oh I couldn't get childcare hope you don't mind yes they are all mine

You MUST keep us updated about how this turns out! I couldn't bear it if this become just another thread where the OP forgets about all us losers hanging on their every word!

I think I agree that you either need to be there secretly at a table in the back watching, or get a friend to go and report back. You can't miss the action of seeing him there all pathetic looking about for Anna!

Was thinking of "bring a large teddy bear" or a bunch of expensive flowers?

Firstly make sure he sends anna his picture.

Then get all the details of what he plans to do on Friday (oh I have to go to the bank, probably just hang around blah blah blah) then turn up at the restaurant with a girlfriend, insist he sits at the table with you and watch him squirm as he waits for Anna to arrive.

Don't let on that you were Anna. Keep the moral high ground and dump him later saying it's just not working.

Sadly yes to the 8 children -- sounds fun....

Where did you say you were? I could lend you mine!!!

Why not steal an East Enders plot line?
Stand him up on Thursday, then on Friday, send him a email saying you are her mum/dad/best friend and that she had a car accident and is dead. She was really looking forward to meeting you, had sheen talking about you for weeks, felt you had a real connection, blah blah blah.....

On the other hand, if we are voting, I'm with Balloonslayer!

ha ha ha ha saggy I like that one

Keep em coming folks

Another vote for the big, tatooed friend. Plus then he'll really keep away from you in furure!!!

Can you get the big tattooed friend to go in drag for extra effect and to make sure the whole restaurant sees him?

Hahaha Big tattooed friend is definitely up for a laugh so that has potential as well

Saggy!!! That made me feel a bit sick... that's too awful and the karma biting you in the arse wouldn't allow me to do it.

Right - I think you have to tell him not to come Thursday - any old crap lie will do. Tell him you are looking forward to seeing him on Friday (oh if only he knew how much ) go there with your friend, early. She gets a table, makes a song and dance about being Anna and waiting for a man. You sit quietly in a corner where you can see their table but he can't see you (or at least not until it's too late for him to back out). He arrives - they chat, she makes out he's wonderful.... until you can stand it no more, you tip drink over his head and walk out. She tells him that if he ever contacts you again, he will have her 'insert real name' and all of your friends and family to deal with.

Sorry he's been suck a prick :(

You just made me choke on my lunchtime cuppa, Chipping - that's a classic!!

Don't tip a drink over his head. It's such a massive cliché and just makes you look like a twat who has lost her temper.

Send a big tattooed male friend in really bad drag.

Then you could turn up and say "MUM! What are you doing here?"

YY don't tip the drink. Drink the drink.

Can I be Anna? I will bring many, many small children along to the date.

Drink your drink. Drink his, too. Don't throw either.

Why dont we ALL turn up and say we are Anna!!!
Really like the idea of the tattooed friend in drag (with 8 children in tow?!)