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Original poster

The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

293 replies

Honeydragon · 16/08/2011 12:31

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

OP posts:
youarekidding · 18/08/2011 09:42

Do not yell shit loudly when you drop a whole load of crockery and smash it. Your 6yo DS will fail to notice the plates and give a lecture on the use of your language. Hmm

MrsCarriePooter · 18/08/2011 10:21

Do not put a 1 yr old in a jacuzzi bath with his 2 yr old sister, then turn it on. He will be so scared his bowels will open and then both children will be screaming in an apparently boiling cauldron of poo.

If you do do this, do not do it whilst staying at a B & B.

Thumbwitch · 18/08/2011 10:51

ohsored - I hate to break it to you but if your "mouse" has eaten an entire packet of poison, I'd say your problem was more likely to be "mice".

MrsCP - BLEUGH!!

SoftSheen · 18/08/2011 10:59

When enjoying a pleasant summer's day in the garden, do not attempt to multitask manufacturing your own elderflower 'champagne' whilst potty training your toddler. The bucket of elderflower champagne may acquire a unique and distinctive flavour and aroma resulting from the contribution of the toddler. (This was my brother).

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 18/08/2011 11:54

Do not become smug and over-confident with your pfb. It will cause you to recklessly multitask whilst holding 12 week old pfb in the crook of your arm. Said pfb will then roll away from your arm and hurtle towards the floor. The only thing you can now do is to reach out and flip them mid-air so at least they land on their nappy-padded bottom and not straight onto their head.

3 yrs on and I still feel guilty!

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 18/08/2011 11:55

Oh and MrsCP i snorted my cuppa when I read yours. Grin

ObviouslyOblivious · 18/08/2011 12:05

Boiling cauldron of poo! Fantastic

ObviouslyOblivious · 18/08/2011 12:08

I've said it before and I'll say it again: during night feeds DO NOT mn on your iPhone whilst holding it over your pfb's head. Or if you do, ensure you have an iron grip on the phone at all times.

BeerSnake · 18/08/2011 12:51

weeping at boiling cauldron of poo!

BellaBearisWideAwake · 18/08/2011 13:19

OO - same goes for playing words with friends Blush

GeekLove · 18/08/2011 14:06

Cauldron of poo!

I hope you can all laugh about it now...

moonbells · 18/08/2011 14:36

oh I so second the 'never ever get moonsand' one. We were gifted some and it's now banned from everywhere without a tiled floor, and even then, DS has to get brushed down if he wants to leave the room...

DS has also lost the tip skin off his finger in the front door.

Never let a child go on a climbing frame if they like sticking their tongue out. When they slip and bang their chin they will bite almost through with their front teeth, there is nothing the A&E can do and it will take over a year to almost heal properly (I'm still waiting...)

Oddly DS doesn't stick his tongue out any more... least not unless he's trying to be rude!

Jux · 18/08/2011 15:15

Do not ever let your child see you put a plug in, especially if she's already learnt to climb on the stool by the basin and to turn on the taps.

MissJanuary · 18/08/2011 15:54

Toddlers and silence =

sitting in the cot and pulling out each babywipe from the BIG packet, licking/sooking each one on the way

all the upstairs rooms decorated at toddler height with the coloured markers from the easel set (thankfully wiped clean quite easily)

MissJanuary · 18/08/2011 15:58

Don't let Daddy swing them round the bedroom with them shrieking in delight - and then fright as their head cracks off a glass ceiling light shade, shattering everywhere

(disclaimer - he was fine - not even a mark on his head, whereas Mummy's nerves were shattered)

greengoose · 18/08/2011 16:56

Do not ignore 3yr DS's best friend when she is playing quietly in the lounge. She will be scooping up handfuls of kitty litter and playing weddings, as your lounge gets covered in cat poo confetti. (which will later heat up in the vents at the back of the TV and smell like poo fritters).

Do not let same dear best friend be alone with new kitten which she is v. jealous of. She will be a. throwing it out the window 'wants to be freeeeeee'.... or smuggling it out the door and 'bathing' (=drowning) it in a puddle.
(disclaimer... no kittens were harmed in the making.... blah blah blah).

greengoose · 18/08/2011 16:59

Do not play crazy golf with DS and DH when new baby is only weeks old and everyone is slightly crazy from lack of sleep. Someone will get hit on the head with a golf club and need to go to casualty.

greengoose · 18/08/2011 17:01

Do not make 4yr old DS 'just keep walking like a big boy' for the mile hame from preschool if he is saying he has a cut on his foot. When you inspect the cut you might find that one of his toes is almost hanging off and you need to carry him the rest of the way to casualty..... Lots of guilt.... buckets full....

greengoose · 18/08/2011 17:06

HAME???? home...

Do not race Ds down a hill, as he might not be able to stop and end up running face first into a wall. Casualty again. More guilt. Much more.

Im not going to post any more because the shame is crippling me now......

Wants3 · 18/08/2011 17:29

oh I am sooooo looking forward to having a little person in my house again! You guys seem to be having so much fun:) ( wipes tears of laughter away)

Original poster
Honeydragon · 18/08/2011 17:56

poo fritter Grin

I may have once left a dirty nappy on the radiator to put in the bin on the way out the front door. I may have come home 4 hours later to the smell iof baked poo Blush

OP posts:
Antidote · 18/08/2011 19:17

There is a reason that there are no recipes containing beetroot in any of the baby weaning cookbooks.

A very good reason.

Babies hate beetroot. They spit it out. And smear it everywhere. And you end up with a baby who is covered in odd purple patches, which no amount of washing will remove.

woahthere · 18/08/2011 19:19

If your child goes quiet in his room, never ever assume he is playing beautifully...especially not when he has just learned how to take his full nappy off...you may just fiind that those farm animals he was playing with have been walking around your furniture/walls/carpet/bed in real shit...on a hot day.

administrator · 18/08/2011 20:02

When taking you newly potty trained DS to a strange loo, do not let the seat fall down onto his little willie, cue a trip to A+E and peeing blood for a few days.
Also dont throw your 3 month old DD1 into the air in delight & hit her head on a chandelier. Cue rolling eyes, vomiting & another trip to casualty.
God, I could go on but the shame.............

Kerb252318 · 18/08/2011 20:12

When you knock on your friends door don't do it with the hand that should be holding the pram. Three month old DD starts rolling down the driveway as it's obviously a slopping one......

Buggie tips over and out falls baby. All witnessed by a number of neighbours.... Still guilty three years on. Needless to say I get my friend to visit me!! DD fine luckily stirdy like her mother...The shame!!

Oh and don't use baby clippers on a three day old baby! A cut lots of blood and screams later...........