The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

[Honeydragon]

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

when your DN asks if he can drive your car, don't say yes course you can. because you can bet that he will have found your keys, walked to the car and you only know because you can hear your car starting

freybean.... how old was he?

3

Do not give toddlers toy wooden hammers if you value your eyes.

Do not assume that because your child can't walk it means he can't climb up to where you keep the washing powder.
After discovering your child's acrobatic talents, always remember to check the washing powder for buried treasure. Failing to do so will result in large washing machine repair bills.

Fuckabastardduck

No wonder you said yes

I am rendered insensible by laughter and am struggling to tell ds why

i know, never have moved so fast in my life

he did fall out with me because i did say that he could drive my car. only forgave me when i drove him to the shops to get some chocolate

Don't be in such a rush to force intransigent shopping trolley into bay of others in order to retrieve £1 deposit.

Especially with toddler still in shopping trolley.

Don't change a full-of-poo nappy while toddler is standing up in the lobby area of the service station loo, even if there is no baby change facility.

The nappy will fall on the floor with a thump, spraying poo everywhere. You will find that the packet of babywipes only has two wipes left - just enough for wiping the toddler's bum. While you are trying frantically to stop toddler from sliding around in the sprayed poo ("Weeeheeee!!") whilst wiping toddler's legs, your hands, the floor, the walls and underside of the basin with bits of loo roll, a snooty middle-aged woman will come in and literally turn green.

Actually that last bit was fun.

This thread has me silently crying with suppressed laughter, trying desperately not to wake DS (who will, no doubt, be providing me with similar scenarios when he gets a bit bigger!)

Don't let your 9yo go on YouTube to play Forget you by CeeLo Green. She will find the uncensored version, called Fuck you. The verse is repeated c20,000 times during the song. While her 4yo sister is watching with interest.

huffy - i sympathise

never buy your 10yo box set dvds of tv shows that you don't like because they will watch them over and over and over again.

i know all the words to all three seasons of Merlin and the first 6 series of Spongebob Arseface Squarepants

Don't snigger when your DD comes out of the toilet all ready for school with some white rockets (tampons) hooked over her ears.
When she asks do I look beautiful, taking photo's of her whilst guffawing is not good mothering.

It's not just Toddler + Silence = Bad News. Potty-training toddler + sound of potty scraping across bathroom floor = Very Bad News. Act immediately. Do not sit back and finish your cup of tea. If you wait, you may find that toddler has taken potty into his bedroom (more light, couldn't reach light switch in bathroom), done a big poo (partly in the potty but mostly not), then gone back to the bathroom for loo paper and then run some of his brio trains through the resulting mess.

I needed more than tea after cleaning that lot up!

do not assume that your dh, walking several yards ahead, has remembered that he has your lovely 3 yo ds up on his shoulders as he approaches the bus shelter with the overhang plastic roof ....

the bang was heard as far as the village square and ds had an egg the size of a pteranadon's on his forehead .... he still talks about it 2 year later ...

gave me useful ammo in any arguments with dh however...
" you forgot to phone the garage"
" not as bad as bashing our son off a bus shelter is it???"
end of argument

NEVER let your toddler play on his trike at the top of the stairs without a closed stairgate .....

Oh & another definate no-no is never leave your new shoes still in the box on floor with bags of silica gel in as this will = trip to A&E with urgent calls to poisons unit (would not have been so bad but middle ds had been to same A&E 7 times with head bumps/cuts ect & they had already asked HV if I was a fit parent :o )

Don't let your DD (then 1.8 yrs) crawl into the downstairs loo unsupervised - she came out sucking the loo brush and looking v smug!

Child proof safety caps/lid are a LIE. They are adult proof, a child will be able to open a tin of paint and tip it down the stairs whilst you're in the bathroom.

Don't have sex in the same house as a child. They will mention details, including how naked your partner was in the morning & how horrible a big mole on his butt was to your friends (sorry Mum).

Don't buy your children annoying electronic toys, then take the batteries out & pretend you have no idea why they're not working, children have magic screwdriver fingers and can get the battery cover off.

If you are going to donate your childrens old toys to the charity shop, make sure they don't keep all their important famous autographs & money in the Barbie Dream House (thanks to my Mum I lost the autograph of Lightning AND Rhino from Gladitors, and £40)!

ROFL @ "it's better than bashing our son off the bus shelter", that made me snort out loud!!

If, despite all the advice you have gleaned over the years on Mumsnet, you still manage to end up with a toddler covered from head to toe in sudocrem, puréed spinach, chocolate sauce, paint etc, TAKE COPIOUS PHOTOS before you start the cleanup operation.

Revenge is a dish served cold, preferably about 12-15 years after the event, possibly in the 18th birthday announcements section of the local paper. Mwahahahaha. [evil]

(Poor DS)

I haven't done this yet, by the way - DS isn't 3 yet. But it's all part of the plan.

openerofjars when I was a wee tot (many many years ago) that's just what my DM did,myself & a male friend went into my DF garage & found a pot of paint (white emulsion) & a brush so we decided to paint each other from head to foot DM took pictures,she also took them of the time that me & same said friend got the bottle of baby shampoo out & decided to wash ourselves with it again from head to toe,we were only about 4 BUT.......DM kept getting the pictures out to show all potential suitors,still DH found it hysterical when he saw them :o

One from dh. If you and your brother have taken your small children to the park, and want to play piggy in the middle, but have forgotten to take a ball with you a lump of ice from a puddle is not a sensible substitute!! Ds2 came home from that outing with a lovely cut above his eye.

Another. Don't take your DD through a carwash while she's asleep. The rotating brushes will wake her up and the foam will put her in mind of a monster.
I've not got a good record with those. I once took my car through one accompanied by my dog.
He was so scared he shat himself.