Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mumsnet classics

Relive the funniest, most unforgettable threads. For a daily dose of Mumsnet’s best bits, sign up for Mumsnet's daily newsletter.

Original poster

The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

293 replies

Honeydragon · 16/08/2011 12:31

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

OP posts:
us4downhere · 17/08/2011 17:12

Grin Grin I love this thread!!

Am a bit Blush to admit I have done quite a few of these Grin

I've thought of another...

After spending a whole day baking and beautifully icing a Christmas cake, do not presume that because your DS is only crawling and has never been able to stand or pull himself up before, that he won't decide that today would be a good day to do that very thing. Cue, cake on floor, in mouth, spread around kitchen.

Also, when child stands at kitchen door and shouts through house to "Come and look Mummy", please go and look right now or risk dirt and worms in a very messy heap all over floor. Then child will say, "It's OK, I'll clear it up" but this is another ploy...do not fall for it. Dustpan and brush + sticky wet mud and worms = lots more mess over a bigger area.

You have been warned! Grin

PaulaMummyKnowsBest · 17/08/2011 17:44

keep pantyliners away from small children other wise they will think they are plasters and cover their sore knees with them. They will show you their sore knees just as the door bell rings and your vicar turn up! (Not me, twas a friend)

ChessPiece · 17/08/2011 18:46

Never allow your toddler to suck the top of Daddy's Grecian 2000 bottle.

As you express your concern about said toddler possibly ingesting a toxic chemical, the nurse on the phone from A&E will splutter with laughter, then attempt to turn it into a cough as she pretends she has dropped her glasses.

Bet she had fun with that in the staff room later Grin

No harm done to ds, thankfully.

May09Bump · 17/08/2011 18:48

Have nearly done that LimburgseVlaai, very horrible.

Also, was very, very tired and LO (2yrs 3months) would not get out of the bath - so off the cuff said if you don't get out you'll get sucked down the plughole with the water. Well scared the poor LO quick smart out of the bath - then he wouldn't get in the bath by himself for over a week, I had to get in with him. Serves me right, felt an aweful mother.

fruitloafrocks · 17/08/2011 19:11

When your two little boys announce they are not going to get dressed today but want to wear stickers instead, it is worth suggesting they avoid certain sensitive areas of their bodies instead of saying 'what a great idea' and laying in bed drinking tea. Obviously, they covered their penis's, scrotum's, nipples, eyelids, nose, ears, and belly buttons with them. Could not get stickers off (silver shiney round foil type ones) even with Sticky-Stuff Remover in the bath. To peel up edge of each one had to pinch a bit of skin and scratch at it with a fingernail. We agreed to 'do' 2 stickers every half hour... we finally got the last one off at 4.30pm.

Needless to say we didn't go swimming, as planned, the next day as they were covered in 'pinch' marks and penny-sized red spots.

The morning they decided to 'colour in' the dog with the felt tip pens was much funnier.

fruitloafrocks · 17/08/2011 19:17

If you decide to ignore the silence and finish drinking your tea in peace the mess you have to subsequently sort out is completely disproportionate to those few moments of calm.

I know it's been said a few times now but felt it is quite an important message that was worthy of repeating.

I continue to do it though.

Sariska · 17/08/2011 19:39

Another: if you choose to over-indulge on the Wine, for your toddler's benefit, pass off the resulting incapacity as lassa fever / beri-beri / whatever illness of choice. If you do not, you risk them bouncing joyously into nursery and announcing to all and sundry that Mummy had too much grape juice last night.

Disclaimer: a friend, not me.

TheOldestCat · 17/08/2011 20:00

One from MIL on DH's babyhood:

Giving your baby a hammer & peg set to play with while he is sat on the potty will result in a loud bang, a louder scream and a family anecdote for years to come.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 17/08/2011 20:23

oldestcat, i can imagine the pitch of that scream was bat-like... Grin

ConfessionsOfAnAchingFanjo · 17/08/2011 20:59

Oh that's made me shudder Oldestcat!

TheOldestCat · 17/08/2011 21:14

:o

Poor DH has never heard the end of it!

gapants · 17/08/2011 21:16

do not let your toddler witness his dad repairing plugs, as when you are in the shower said toddler will get his tools and some how manage to hammer off a wall plug socket and cause a minor fire.

MynameisnotEarl · 17/08/2011 21:39

Don't leave your 6 year old unsupervised with his 2 year old chickenpox-suffering sister and a packet of felt pens.

Poor little mite had to endure joined-up dotty skin for several days.

(Not mine, a friend's).

SlightlyJaded · 17/08/2011 22:47

Refrain from even the most whispered character assessment of anyone if your DC are within 500 feet. They will tell the wife/gf of said character that "daddy says he is a tightwad fukky wanner"

Do not assume that just because their plate is clear of all veg that they have eaten them. Do check under plates, on floors and in the folds of clothes and other garments

Don't think for one moment that you will be able to 'skip' pages of night time stories for any DC over the age of one. You will be challenged and charged.

Star charts are a lie. Your DC will enjoy being 'positively rewarded for about two days. You will then find yourself entering into rows and negotiations regarding the lack of stars awarded that day. Eventually you will be worn down and will find yourself issuing Stars to your DC for tasks including 'waking up nicely' and 'not wriggling on the loo'. It is futile.

Do not give, or receive (how ever well intentioned the gift) Moonsand.

SlightlyJaded · 17/08/2011 22:49

Grin at Fruitloafrocks DCs 'wearing stickers instead'.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 17/08/2011 22:58

If spilled, pick up every piece of lego as kneeling on one later will be a pain like no other you've experienced

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 17/08/2011 23:30

When your 2 year old daughter shouts to let you know that her 17 year old sister's bedrooms is 'a bit messy mummy' please do check it, as it is likely to mean that DD1's entire newly refilled expensive bag of make-up has, indeed, contributed to the shit pit, smashed bronzer and lipglosses included.

Please then make sure you cover said 2 year old's ears properly, unless you're happy for her to walk around saying 'fucksake'. Repeatedly.

ohsored · 18/08/2011 00:34

When asked 'why don't you marry dp, mummy?' flippantly reply, 'because he hasn't asked me' as ds will immediately turn to relatively new dp and say, in a weary tone, 'can you please ask mummy', as if you've been moaning about the lack of a proposal for weeks on end. Still, at least dp didn't respond with 'because mummy's still married to your daddy' as that could have been a whole lot worse.

If dp has a deaf side, sit your children on it, so he doesn't hear such gems as 'mummy has a baby in her tummy, and we're really pleased' over lunch. Luckily, ds cracked immediately and admitted he'd made it up, but not before dp aged visibly before my eyes.

ohsored · 18/08/2011 00:37

Oh, and if caught in the half-light in flagrante by said ds, don't explain it away in a blind panic as 'mummy and dp were silly tickling' as everytime ds says he's going to 'tickle' someone, your heart stops. Especially, if he threatens to tickle you in your 'favourite place'. In Asda.

Thumbwitch · 18/08/2011 00:49

ohsored - how old is your DS? He sounds like trouble! Grin

ohsored · 18/08/2011 07:05

He's only five! There's no hope, is there?!

At 6:30 this morning I learned that you shouldn't tell a kid that you'll take him to the park before work if he gets up early...and then stay up til gone 1AM waiting for a cake to cool. I'm so tired it hurts!!

DumSpiroSpero · 18/08/2011 08:07

Don't, in a moment of ill-advised girly bonding with your 7yo DD, let skip the words 'bangers' or 'norks'.

You will never hear the end of it...Blush

ohsored · 18/08/2011 09:29

Don't scream 'shit' loudly when you go to put the Cheerios back and a mouse runs out from behind the Bran Flakes, and then slam the cupboard door in panic, as it will start a lively debate with DS about whether it's socially acceptable to let a mouse die in your cupboard.

Poor old DS is blithely unaware that the 'medicine' I've been putting down for the mouse is actually poison. It's eaten a whole packet. It's not going to go well with Bran Flakes, is it?!!

Now what do I do?!

DumSpiroSpero · 18/08/2011 09:38

ohsored

Old fashioned mouse traps - not pleasant but they do the trick.

DumSpiroSpero · 18/08/2011 09:41

These are also good - and childproof.