Odd thing you've done, and then thought 'WTF did I do that?!'

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I once found a white disc in the washing machine after a load had finished. Couldn't for the life of me work out what it was. So I licked it. Turns out it was a lemon scented bleach block for the toilet cistern. I'd scooped up the packet with the dirty washing. I don't usually lick random objects. It tasted a bit lemony, and not particularly fatal in case you were wondering.

[SherlockHolmes]

My (male) friend was attempting some ironing. He turned on the iron and HELD IT UP TO HIS FACE to see if it was hot. Cue one very burnt nose. Tit.

[EsmeWeatherwax]

I used to work in a large university library. I was serving at the desk one day, and a girl was standing in the queue wearing a Pantera t-shirt. I, being a bit of a heavy metal fan was obviously quite impressed with this, because instead of shouting "NEXT," I leaned over the counter and shouted "PANTERA!" Turned back to find the entirety of my colleagues on the floor peeing themselves laughing. And the rest of the queue.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Ironing your own face Genius.

[itsallgoneabitMrBloom]

I waited for ages behind a queue of traffic at some traingates getting really annoyed when they didnt move when the gates went up, beeped etc eventually I decided I was going to go round them...I then reallised they were parked cars.

[TiggyD]

I trod on a toy panda then apologised to it.

[FayKnights]

Ooh I've got another one....I was training for Moonwalk and wearing the lovely pink bra t-shirt when a couple of work men shouted 'encouragement' at us and asked what we were training for, so I helpfully pointed at the back of my t-shirt and told them that all the info was on the back, it wasn't until quite a while later that my training partner mentioned that the back of my t-shirt was blank...

[Suncottage]

I once said thank you to a cashpoint for giving me money.

I am a very polite person you see

The queue behind me thought differently.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Butwhyisthegingone the DC and I quite often wave madly to people in cars for no reason but to see their perplexed faces. 9 out of ten wave back then start to argue with their passengers (presumably about why that woman with two small children is waving at their DH)

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

Once I made some jam tarts with my little sister. (I was about 15 with typical teenage humour)
My dad came in for his lunch and spied the jam tarts. I was JUST about to tell him they'd literally been on the wire rack for 30 seconds but something stopped me. He picked one up and tossed it in his mouth - immediately he spat the whole lot out shouting and dancing around in agony.

Mean I know, but I DIED laughing - until I got a massive bollocking, that is....

[jeee]

Discussing Antony and Cleopatra at school, someone said Cleopatra would be dressed in white. I said, 'no, that's too virginal' - only I pronounced it 'verge-eye-nal'.

[monoid]

When I was pregnant I often played cards with some family. I was in charge of keeping scores one day and I suddenly went blank at how to add 1 to 50! Even when I was told what the answer was, I couldn't work out how to write it down

This one wasn't me:
I was on the bus one morning and a man got on wearing a very smart suit and sat down in front of me. He had 3 hair clips on the back of his head. I spent a while wondering if this was a thing now or something, then said "excuse me, I'm not one to judge, but you have 3 hair clips in your hair and wondered if that was intentional" He went bright red and told me he had 2 dds who woke him up that morning

[MilkNoSugarPlease]

LOVE this thread!

partystress the German/English mix up currently has me weeping...I cant read any further right now becauseI can't stop!

[QueenStromba]

candr: I was reading your post wondering if you were pregnant so I think you can use baby brain as an excuse.

Suncottage: I don't think I've ever done that myself but I've caught myself just as I was about to just about every time I've used a cash machine.

I can't think of anything I've actually done but I've caught myself just before I've done almost everything in this thread.

[MilkNoSugarPlease]

Oh lordy!

My face hurts from laughing!

[MynameisnotEarl]

My colleague left her mobile on her desk when she left for the day so I rang her to let her know .

When IT remotely log into my computer to sort out problems, I always point to the screen when they ask what the matter is. With my FINGER. Twat

[MynameisnotEarl]

'Nine' is a Classic - am hooting with laughter!

[springboksaplenty]

I got married four months before my final exams which had a practical/viva element. I had let my college know of my name change by this time. I walked in my practical exam and said: "Hi I'm Springbok MaidenName, No hang on Springbok MarriedName (pronounced incorrectly ) no definitely Springbok MarriedName (pronounced correctly)." My examiner asked if I was sure but looked entirely sceptical the entire time.

I have also spoken to the sternest colleague (who everyone hated going to as he would tear shreds off juniors) but ended with a "Ok then love you bye". He blushed and said thanks

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

whomovedmychocolate - I love it! Cringey, but funny. I have a teacher friend who lives in a city and I went to visit him last year. I know this is going to sound not believable, but when he has had a shit day he waits till he's driving past a bus stop with his windows down, then literally screams out the window, as in a proper AAAAAAAARGH! I asked why on earth he would do this and he replied it was just to see twenty people all jump at once. He did it once when I was in the passenger seat and I'm ashamed to say I had absolute hysterics. slinks off in juvenile shame

[kipperandtiger]

ROFL at first few posts - no, ladies, no more licking please!! That's for babies to check out their surroundings. Grownups use noses, if you must. Or best of all, leave it aside, and ask other grownups when they get in. Remember - eyes, noses. No more licking. I can't think of any examples myself yet. They'll probably come to me after I've logged off.

[AnyFuleKno]

Said "excuse me" to someone waiting to get past me in a pub toilet, then realised it was a mirror

Tried to seductively eat a marshmallow off a toasting fork just out of the fire. I heard and felt my lips sizzle like bacon in a frying pan.

[Suncottage]

I was once in a safari park in Oz and I was 'talking' to a parakeet on a branch. We were getting along just fine and 'chatting' away with 'Hello' and 'Pretty Polly' etc.

A lovely elderly couple came along and started talking to him/her and I was so put out I said;

"Excuse me but we were talking just now"

My only defence is that I had been travelling alone for six months and had not talked to anyone for a long while.

They aplogised to me and the parakeet.

It was the next day I thought "How fecking weird did they think I was?"

[Suncottage]

Ok I am weird but I have another one.

My receptionist phoned in with a hangover sick and I was fielding the phone and the door and patients.

The doorbell went when I was on phone and I answered it. A patient stood there. I told her to hold the line and shut the fecking door in her face!

I had to answer it 30 seconds later with the phone in my hand and her just standing there. She pressed the buzzer a few times. Bless her.

Soooo professional moi. I was stressed dagnamit!

She was fine about it

[CleverCircusFlea]

I once walked out of the house with a packet for the post office in one hand, and a bag of rubbish to put in the wheelie bin in the other hand. Threw the packet in the bin and proceeded to walk to the post office (not very far from where I lived). Only when i got to the post office door I realized that something wasn't quite right...

[QueenStromba]

I've just remembered one. My car key has a separate key fob remote, my housemate has a car key with the remote built in and an immobiliser key fob and a spare key without the immobiliser. I once took his spare key to get something out of his car and when I got to the car realised it didn't have the fob on it and thought that I wouldn't be able to get into his car without it so made it all the way back to the house (we park our cars in the car park across the road) before I realised that the remote was built into the key and so went back. It was a good hour later before I realised that I could have just opened the car with the key even if the remote wasn't inbuilt. I'm so glad I realised I could open his car before I asked my housemate for his key because I think he'd still be bringing it up now if I had asked.

[EuphemiaMcGonagall]

I was walking DD to afterschool one day with a handful of envelopes, some to post and one to hand to the afterschool manager.

You're way ahead of me, aren't you?

Suffice it to say, our local posties are not the type you read about in the papers who manage to correctly direct letters addressed to "Granny, the big red house near the park", posted in New Zealand.