Odd thing you've done, and then thought 'WTF did I do that?!'

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I once found a white disc in the washing machine after a load had finished. Couldn't for the life of me work out what it was. So I licked it. Turns out it was a lemon scented bleach block for the toilet cistern. I'd scooped up the packet with the dirty washing. I don't usually lick random objects. It tasted a bit lemony, and not particularly fatal in case you were wondering.

[HeavyHeidi]

remember the Mumsnetter who introduced herself at a conference as "Angela Hernandez" while the real Angela Hernandez, her colleague, was standing in the back of the room looking very confused?

[Bollockstoitall]

Not me but DH.
Having a pretty heated debate about something or the other with a friend, and DH retorted,
"I can read you like a glove

[HedleyLamarr]

Like Alphabetty I poured a lovingly made stock straight down the sink whilst thinking "what the fuck are you doing?!?!?" Didn't stop though, not till the last drop had gone.

[HeavyHeidi]

Ah found it, it was MadamDeathstare, who posted the following:

I started a new role in my company, went to a conference with representatives from all the company sites who were now relying on me to ensure the correct products reach them with the correct test reports, labels and packaging. I introducted myself by saying "Good morning, my name is Angela Hernandez". 30 faces went and a voice from the back went "No, it isn't". The real Angela Hernandez (our Quality Director), known to them all for the past 25 years looked very confused as to why I was apparently trying to impersonate her. Not so confused as I looked, obviously.

[BuxomWenchOnAPony]

Such a relief to find I'm not the only one who tries to bleep-unlock the front door with my car key!

I realised on Sunday that the card I left for the bride and groom at the wedding I went to on Saturday was wrong... I wrote it to myself, from myself:

To mr and mrs buxom,

With love from mr and mrs buxom and the little buxoms

[BuxomWenchOnAPony]

Even worse, allowed dd1 to face paint me before I put her to bed. I was resplendent in purple love hearts and pink blobs, got distracted and went to do a late evening Tesco shop. I convinced myself the young lad on the checkout fancied me as I kept catching him giving me the eye as I chatted away to him and packed my bags. I was most upset that dh had let me out knowing full well that I looked like a nutjob...

[CandiceMariePratt]

My mum decided to test out the sharpness of a knife by dragging it across the palm of her hand, it was very sharp.

[Suncottage]

I once put my finger in the cat's mouth while he was yawning. He quite understandably bit me

[YaMaYaMa]

HeavyHiedi, 'Angela Hernandez' for some reason that is the funniest thing I have ever read on here! I have actually just cried laughing

[messymammy]

During my training as a nurse we had placements in all different settings. Once I was with the community psychiatric nurses. One of them was morbidly obese, truly the fattest woman I've ever seen and of course appointed my mentor so we spent a lot of time together.
Having lunch one day she was telling me about how she had spent the morning visiting patients who lived in a particular (notorious)block of flats. I replied, saying how much I hated it there, the stairs always smell like wee and there are always drug addicts on the landings so I run up and down the stairs....then I kind of looked at her, and realised of course there was no way she could run up the stairs.
So I changed the subject, something stupid like what I was having for lunch, and she was telling me she wanted to treat herself like she always does after visiting the flats so was having 2 bagels with cream cheese and bacon, and out of my mouth comes the words
"your cholesterol must be shit"
what the actual fuck was I thinking?!?!

[AgentProvocateur]

Last week I wax at the cashline, trying to top up DS's phone, so I had my touchscreen phone in my hand so that I could see his number. But then instead of pressing the buttons on the cashline, I was touching its screen and getting frustrated that it wasn't working.

I then cancelled the transaction and told everyone in the queue behind me that it wasn't working. I got halfway round Tesco and realised what I'd done, so I went back to the machine....and did exactly the same thing! WTF?!

[JambalayaCodfishPie]

I once squeezed my contact lense solution into the container, then DRANK IT. Like a shot.

Not nice!!

[dollydoops]

Reading these on the train was such a bad idea! I keep giggling out loud like a nutter and people are looking at me...
I once made a panful of pasta, checked that it was ready, got the colander out of the cupboard, and drained the pasta.
Not over the sink.
Over the worktop, floor and my front (ouch!)

[FayKnights]

Messy that's hilarious, what was the response to being told that her cholesterol was shit?

[happymole]

I have loads

Two i can think of;

On seeing an old friend in the supermarket, I hadn't seen her for ages and I have my dd (aged 2 don't forget) with me. Conversation went like this

Her; Hi haven't seen you for ages hasn't dd grown?

Me; Yes, she's 2 now!

Her; She's beautiful, how are you?

Me; I can't believe she's 2!

Her; What have you been up to?

Me; Not much, dd is 2!

Her; I must be going

I was thinking STFU about dd's age, but couldn't stop, had a massive crazy grin as well. Realised I needed to spend some time in RL.

In the pub years ago and a really gorgeous random man started chatting to me. He was really sweet, but, unfortunately had a massive spot on his forehead. I couldn't stop staring at it, it looked fit to burst.

So I lent forward and

Bloody squeezed it........hard.

Conversation stopped and he looked at me like

[MissyBrookes]

HAHA at the spot sqeezing, it sounds like something i might end up doing one day.... i LOVE a good groos sqeeze and once i've spotted a big juicy one i just cant stop looking at it, no matter who i'm talking to.

About 3 weeks ago me and my OH went for a walk into the village. I suddenly felt really panicked, turned to OH and exclaimed "oh my god we have left the baby at home on his own .....

The little boy hadn't even been born. Was tucked safely away in my womb.


Amongst other stupid things i've said, thought and done during pregnancy, one that really cracked up the family over for sunday lunch.

Me - "Whats the time babe?"

OH - "its 4:45"

Me - "so if your parents are coming anytime from 4:30 to 5pm, does that mean they will be here at 4:30??"


Que everyone laughing hysterically. Idiot!

[PedigreeChump]

Yesterday at work I was trying to join in a serious conversation about the standard of work of a barrister we instruct (I'm a solicitor) and a senior solicitor said "to be honest, I just find him irritating"

Before I knew what had happened, I found that I had this face and was saying indignantly

"but he is so sexy!"

Cue silence from the senior managers and me trying to smile as though I'd just said something useful and amusing. In my defence, he is super sexy.

Another time at work I was speaking to my new boss (I'd only worked there a few weeks) and we were discussing shellfish. I said

"anything where you have to crack open the legs and eat out what's in-between is just not worth it in my opinion"

OMG

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Bahahahahahahahahahahaha!

[candr]

These have made me and DH cry laughing. I went to post office today to post letter and couldn't remember what I was doing there so bought some sliced ham - I am veggie , I then drove to watch shop to get new battery for DH watch which I realised I had left at home and to top it all stopped at DR to book an appointment and ended up sitting in waiting room for an hour before remembering I hadn't booked in. That's it, I am stayin in for next few weeks (am 34 weeks pregnant, thats my excuse and I am sticking to it!)

[Ellypoo]

I so should not be reading this at work - I am in tears of laughter, and my colleagues think I've finally gone mad!!!

[DraculasMum]

Hahahahaha!

These are brilliant.

When I was 6 months pregnant I went into work and for some strange reason had put my purse in the fridge and my can of coke in my handbag.

I spent all morning accusing all my colleagues of stealing my purse. They were not impressed when someone retrieved it from said fridge and gave it to me.

Whooops!

[zoe88]

One day I forgot I had my DP's car and phoned him from tesco hysterical thinking my car had been stolen. Was about to phone the police when the tesco worker helping me asked why my ford car had a Peugeot key!!

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

I was standing behind a bloke at college who was a real tousled hair and waistcoat type. On this particular day he also had on a camel coat (I know, I know). He turned round to say hello and I said "you look really sexy in that coat". He looked like > I looked like >

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

A couple of days ago I was driving down my street and thought I saw a mate's boyfriend chatting to a bloke in a parked van. As I approached I beeped and smiled, but as I got closer realised I had totally got it wrong and had never seen this chap in my life. Obviously he was peering through the windscreen to try and see who was beeping at him, so I tried to duck down behind the steering wheel. At this point I went RIGHT up the curb and stalled the car out of sheer panic. When I finally drove away purple with embarrassment I looked out my rear mirror to see the bloke and the chap in the van both staring after me in absolute amazement. It was HORRIBLE.

Oh... a few years ago I went on a staff night out to a fairly fancy restaurant. I had FAR too much to drink and remember having a quite a loud discussion with the others on my table. I remember saying "what the FUCK?" JUST as there was a lull in the general conversation, leaving my expletive to ring around the restaurant. It was APPALLING and I remember catching my boss's extremely unimpressed expression. Still cringe....

[GruffaloMama]

Genius. I once phoned the police to report my bike as stolen from outside my house - it had been locked up. I even went round to the neighbours (elderly) to ask if they'd seen anything. It turns out that I'd forgotten that I'd left it at the station. Had to call the police back with a very