Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

Laydes, perchance ye have ye minute to join with me in examination of this sondrye recipte that I found in a wagon at the market se'enday past?

Lo, tis inscribed on the back of a missive pertaininge to be from Ye Gasse of Albion, and reads as so:

-three loaves of brede
-ye curde of whey for the infants
-ragges for the privy
-GRUEL
-nice gruel
-Gruel that is for ye grown-uppes on ye Sonnedaye
-Ye cheape gruel for ye servantes and serfs
-water with admixture of ye froot
-Sudocrem

Methinks the ladye of this recepite is stucke-uppe. AIBU?

nor was the gruel organik.

I bid ye a goode morn sisters. I too have a tale thatte muste be tolde of happenyngs within my lords chambers last e'en.

My Lord didst take me into hys chambers and there didst recount unto me hys idea of an apprenticeship with the village glassmaker.

I did question my Lord as to what he maye have meant by 'blowe jobbe' whereupon he didst offer to showe me what he wouldst have me do.

'twas most shocking sisters! He didst throw me back upon the sheets of his bedde and there, didst kneel above my head with no undergarments upon his person!

Needless to saye, my Lord's appendage didst finde its waye into thatte playce thatte mayest only be used for the utterances of our goode Lords words.

What mayest I do now? I am sorely vexed by my Lord's action and fear thatte he hath sullied that most innocent of places.

Help I beg of thee!

Greetings fair maidens. 'Tis my firste tyme upon mumsnette so prithee be kinde, LOL.

Yea, I am shock'd and dismay'd bye the filth spew'd forth from the mouthes of the gentlewomen of mumsnette, and the foule advyce proffer'd to hags who have displeas'd their poor husbandes.

Verily this syte is plaine and dulle, with no sparklinge bittes nor bryte coloures.

Hence I bidde you farewell, hunnes xxx (hugges)

Mistress Saggy. Whilst to mine mynde a goodwife should offere not camplayntes of her own good lord. I feele that thou art sorely vexed by syche hapeninges of the chambere.

I also have bene moste devillishly deceived in these mattyres. Verily I was promysed an showere of golde by mine own husbande....

Guard thyselves sisters! Mistress tallwivglasses has obviously been taken over by thatte most foule of places, Net of Mums and has been sent by those who wouldst hugge and use sorcerous words to bedazzle ye!

If we be quicke dear sisters, we may yette save our sister from thatte influence and return her to her place within our midst.

Cast out those wenches who doth steal our goode sisters for who knows what nefarious purpose and have thy menfolk guard themselves against theyr freely offered words of lovyng.

Mistress Sugar how I wish 'twere possyble to confide in the village wysewoman however, my good frende hath taken off wyth her man of milk and cannot helpe me furthere.

I only have thatte goode woman who gave me lyfe to confyde in butte it hath been vouchsafed to me that she maye be in league with Beelzebub hymself and be a crone to be shunned as I wouldst the devil!

I thank thee most heartily fore thy advice sister, I will departe from thys place unto the market where I may procure parsnip seeds for sowyng in yonder garden.

My Lord though, he be bygger than myself and 'twould take a great deal of strength 'ere he be locked in yonder Byre. Wouldst thou knowe of any that mayest helpe me to complete this lockyng in?

Dear Ladyes, AIBU to become vexed by mine Neighboure? This slattern has manye children whom are Rude and discourteous. They are less than Ten summers in age, yet are allowed to peruse the Booke Of Fayce. Mine neighboure holdes Manye drunken gatheringes which are Loude from dusk til dawne, and her Manye gentlemen callers are Intoxicated. Should I proclaime her to be a Womanne of Low virtue, or indeede, a Wytch? I fear repercussiones.

My deere sustres, I have grete news the whiche I have heretofore been unable to share with thee.

Mine husbande, being of a Godly mind, doth fast from all fleshe upon the Fridayes of the weeke, and many other times beside.

My onely complaint is, he fasteth also from mine fleshe, and I find this moste sexualie frustrating, in maner of ye wanton women who enjoye ye sexual relations.

Shall I quell mine urges on fasting dayes, as my husband biddeth, or shall I seduce him, with fond mumerings, 'yea, even so, husband, thou and I may have a babe, and may anticipate his arrival with a ticker, even as it is at the nette of mums, and if not, we shall have a grete pleasure callyd, by the Wise Woman, an 'orgasme'?'

What say ye, ladies?

Goodwives of Mumsnette, I implore thee! Hast thou a Demone Planne? For the dark dayes of the Horned One are upon us, yea, and we must prepare for the coming of the ungodly Demones.

My good lorde and master hath prepared for this daye. To whit, he is to slaughter all the kine save two, hitch the beasts of burthden to ye wagonne, and slinge on to iyte my unworthie selfe and our 19 children. Also, three gross bundles of dried gruel, and ye tinnes of beans. I will holde ye pitchforke.

We will thenne journeye like ye clappers to darkest Cambria, where livest my sister. Tis well known that Demones frequent ye large townes - we will be safe in ye middle of nowhere.

Sadly I can no longer partaketh in advice giving as my dear husband has unearthed my innermost thoughts - I only speaketh of my lovers loins in slumber, but my fate is such that these spoken thoughts fell upon my dearest husbands ears - hence I am now set for Bedlam as my wicked wicked ways must be driven from as surely as the devil beset them upon me. I bid thee farewell -

weep for me - and preyeth that one day gentle women folk will be able to shaggeth more than one man - >

Mistress Ivanta - Thou art most certes notte unreasonable. Thou should denounceth thy neigboure as soon as thou possibly mayest to those who laboure fore the servyces social as 'twould seem she hath become enamoured of all thyngs devilish.

Mistress RedDragon - I have hearde tell of a tincture thatte maye be dystylled into somethyng knowne as a 'pill' named Vy Ag Ra thatte your Lord may taketh to helpe hys ardour. Get ye then to the apothecary and aske hys advyce fore he wille knowe of thys.

Mistress Reshape - be there any roome wyth thou at thys 'middle of nowhere'? I aske onlye because the local doomsayers saye thatte the yeare ending in '12' be of significane [grinneth]

carminaburana - i weep for thee and second thy prayer.
My own Lord, having spent yesterday uttering not one word of courtesy in mine direction, nor assisting with the hovel, awoke this morn with a burning desire to be availed of his marital rights. sisters, I implore your forgiveness but the Devil possessed my legges and clamped then shut then caused my tongue to utter words imploring my Lord to avail himself of some other slattern, although there may be a groat or two to dispense for the pleasure. He is most displeased and I am sore tempted to packeth mine baggeths and leave forthwith!

Mistress sephrenia, butte what maye I doe about my lord's Godliness? I maye notte tempte him to renounce the Godly refusal of the sexe, the mete and the wine on the holy Friday (in mind of our Lordes Passion, a grete suffering like unto mine for ye wicked Libido).

Thus I suffer and beginne to caste eyes and the comely manne who visiteth us for the repairing of pipes and alle manere of manly worke ... it is moste difficult to resist, for I am gretly inflamed by ye porne-tapestries, the whiche have corrupted mine weake womanly minde.

In the same wise, sistres, dost thou not thinke that the foul haire we carry betweene oure thighes, were more pleasing to the eye if shaven aweye? I have a goode scythe with whiche we harvest ye grain - shall I betake it unto mine fair Ladye Garden, there to scythe awaye ye pestilent and plague-carrying hair that groweth thereupon?

Mistress RedDradgon, I didst not mean that thou should tempt thy Lord into renouncing his Godly ways upon the Friday, simply that thou maye useth thys 'pill' on other dayes when he hath not the excuse of Godliness by addyng itte to hys mead {grinneth]

Thys then doth not break thy Lords vow and wyll make thy owne lyfe sweeter fore the reste of the weeke. I am sure our Lord God wouldst not objecte to thys as he wouldst notte have bestowed upon us thys desire otherwyse [winketh]