Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

Thou art truely wise! I shalle now thanke thee, and later recall thine uncanny knowledge when thou makest a foolish statement in the AIBU pages, where I shall doubtless remember to call thee an unnatural wycche.

Suche is the nature of our womanlie friendshipe here.

I goe now to purchase ye ointment of toad, having scythed mine Ladye Garden and founde ye remaining prickly shootes of tendre grass moste vexatious to mine senses. I praye mine husbande be not putte off ye Relations by mine likenesse to ane hedgehog ...

Oh, sister, I mean no offence to thee and doth notte pretend in anywyse to have knowledge. I speake out only because thys Vy Ag Ra was being whispered about around ye village well and happened to heare what my village sisters were talkyng about.

I do freely admit however to being scared stupid afeared of AIBU as the women there be far greater than I in all matters and wouldst not lyke to annoye them.

Perhaps one day I shall o'ercome thys feare and join thee in a conversation or three [smileth shyly]

Good wyves, I have a new dilemma. My tyme of birthing draws neyre, and I have no planes for bringynge forth the babe.
My lord husband suggests that I issue forth and enter the apothecaries wards, where herbs and other tools will be used to bring forth the chylde. My fair mother, sayes I must throw myself onthe mercyes of the sisters of the holy order of ye midwyves. She tells me that they doest less interferyng, but that yf the babe is stubborn, I maye have to go to the apothecary after all.
I have heard of somethyng called a water byrth, and feels thys may benefyt myself as I wyll get my yearly washyng. That whych I would Lyke to know, is would the midden pool be suitable, or shude I go for ye Birthynge Poole in a sacke and hope that I may draw ye water in time before the chylde appears?

Nay, I believe thou shouldst remain within thy dwelling, calling forthe bravely for to affront the devil, and seeking the help onely of thine husband, who will be much cheere by the sight of thy baby.

Thou knowest, it is the onely waye for ye menfolke to bond with babes new come.

Or, thou mayest take a good knife and whetstone, and prepare the waye thyself, commending thy soule unto God, as is proper.

Childbirthing, as we are told, is most natural.

SaggyOldCatt - My deare daughtere dids't enter this earthly worlde through the waters of liffe, as a myrtle birde doth sing upone the branche, and undre ye lighte of a full ripe moone.

Accompanied also by ye gentel minstrels from far eastern lande, ye brothers Guo, upon ye bamboo flute and other strangye instruments of greate mysterie.

Suche a birthe I do heartily recommende when thy time shalle cometh, and wishe thee glad tidings of the greatest joye, for thee and thye babe, and all thye kith and kin !

Notwithstandinge the greate comforte thy mightest finde from the goodly and timely encouragement of ye midwyves and gentelfolke !

Mistress saggy, I muste forwarne thee that I beleeve Mistress juggeling to be a foule wicche, and unnatural ...

Ye Corner of Pedants:

I beseeche ye, goodwyfs, do you seeke to make your Wrytyngs consistent, for mine eyes bleede from this profligacy of Scripts and infelicitous use of Partes of Speeche ('tis "thou dost, he doth").

Gentles all, thy wit hath afforded me muche pantes-wetting in days passed.

Prithee, Doth I Be Unreasonable?

Mine DLAM (Darling Lord and Master) sayeth we should cast our DD out into the snow to perish for her disobedience. But mine tender womyn's heart bids me saye No, that she shoulde be soundely whipped and beaten insteade.

I know I am soft, to be lettynge her off so lightly . But she hath only 8 summers, and I feel that with frequent beating she will learneth.

What thinkest thou all? Flameth me not for beinge too softe

Goodwives all, my sisters young suitor, a most promising young squire in service to our carousing lord of the manner hath been partaking of many a rollicking eve at the local tavern when accompanying his lord. Am I being mistrusful of his honorouble intentions towards his bride to be when I hear tales of wenching and lechery? Should sally forth and speaketh my mind to the young squire or retire to my dower room to brood upon my needlework and keep my own counsel?

yff ye decide upon ye waters of kyffe, set your husbande a-busy to stille hys mind wyth the labour of drawing the water, and making a good fire to heat it, that he will not bea hindrance to ye, wyth his protestation that 'his dynner is not made' nor 'hys play sworde is broken, and he must forge a new one afresh'

Ye may not need the water, yet a busy husbande is better than one idling as surely, the devil will make use of his handes if you do not!

I'faith LadyEdgar, no true man should attendeth that which is muchely woman's work! Why is he not engageth upon a Crusade like a True Christian Goodman?

GoodLadye SOmething, thine DD should well attend a gentle birch whipping...thus casting our the demons that forceth her to such unnmaidenly behaviour

surely, saggy must ask thys of her husbande, for mine is the Lord of the manor, and hath sent his firstborn son and heir to the crusades, though cannot go on such a pilgrimage himself, as he suffers most vexingly from a miasma of his agues.

I thynke he is tayking the pysse mineself, yet as a good wyfe my tongue is stylle, and my arms do not refuse hym comforte.

This post upon the Walle hast been Cast Downe by Mumsnette.

hath, not hast

Alack!

I have heard tell of these Mumsnette HQ wenches...much trickery and whispering in the ears of Powerful Men at Court is , I heareth, one sport they muchly enjoy

What shalle I do for dinner this darke eve?

I have but a turnip, an olde catte (there be but lyttle meat uppon his smale carcase), a handfulle of dandruffe from my dear husbonde, and some fresh shytte from the chickens.

Any ideas? Or shall I stande outside the Chippe Shoppe until someone discovers the potato?

Indeed, but recently, they did cause such a furore over the Mumming of the travelling players, and cast down great fury when shown the evil tales they do recount in play, and reprised, each Sabbath, may the lord forgive them

mayhap a sprinkling of herbs might leaven such a dish and render it palatable?

CatteInYeHatte, canst thou not boil Bones? What manner of slatterne and voluptuous Liver art thou, that thou mither'st about Meate upon Bones? The Waste of the Byrdes is for thine Fyre, thou clotpoll!

Place ye Catte in yon Turnipe, and Bury in a Greate Fyre 'til ye Moone doth Show her Face. Then you and your husbonde may eat with a seasoning from his Pate and Lockes.

Plupervert - at 'This post hath been Cast Downe by Mumsnette'.

Yet, if we bee pedants, must not we abandon this accursed 'ye' and embrace the correct 'the', as, forsooth, 'tis more correct in medieval times?

Madam very, I reporteth thee until the Social Witchhunters of our neighbourhood, for shame! Thy soft handling spoileth the child and thou shouldst be whipped for the mistreatment of the poor girl.

Be not afeared, Mumsnetteres - I shall comfort the yonge childe with good whippings and scolding, that she grow happy and well.

mistress catinthehat - fresh shytte is wholesome and will give sustenance to your DLAM(dear lord and master) and chyldrene.
My own DLAM has vexed me greatly by dispensing our last groats on mead to accompany his viewing of the game of the pygges bladder. he is now deep in slumber while watching said game through closed eyes. Truly he is most prodigiously talented and i am honoured to be his wyffe!
My chyldren shall have straw from the bedding to suck as'tis of far greater import that his thirst be quenched.
I fear that should he require to avail hymself of marital duties this night he shall be sore disappointed!