Teachers. Admit it. This is a perk of the job isn't it?

[pagwatch]

Just got dds work home as she finishes this week.

In the bag are some things that are mounted and have clearly been on the wall either in the classroom or (gulp) the main corridors or halls.

In one she provides a slice of homelife which is mighty embarrassing and makes us sound like total wankers. She also talks about drinking wine. She is 8.

You find these things don't you, with a silent shout of glee. I have believed this since my mother told me about turning up at my school and on the wall was a picture I had drawn of her and dad 'playing in the bath'.

Come on. You might as well admit it....

and

' I was a bridesmaid and we all had spotty tits.'

tights

Poem for Mothers Day,
"mummy, when your happy it makes me giggle,
but that's not very often because your always in a grump."

and

PMSL
I would like to point out I really have broken a bed playing tigers...really...

Not a teacher thing, but my DS fell asleep in the car one time, when he was about three. I leant across trying to take him out without waking him, pressed the seatbelt to release it, and it shot up really fast and the metal buckle caught him on the eye and cut him.

A few days later, we were out shopping and a lady was making a fuss of him, and she said 'Ooh, what happened to your eye - that looks sore.'

He said 'Oh that - that's just where Mummy hit me with the belt while I was sleeping.'

My mum was a social worker and dad a prison chaplain so if ever asked where they were I used to say 'dad's in prison and mum's in court'

My eldest had to draw a picture of her 'weekend' when she was about 6 and drew me lying on a pool table with my legs in the air in the pub and her sitting on the floor with huge tears coming out of her eyes....

I was retrieving a stuck pool ball, and she had just fallen over....

A teacher friend once told me this one she'd had in a Science SAT.....
Question: How does a hedgehog defend itself from predators?
Child had written "it uses its prick".

According to one of my Y5 class, Queen Victoria was married on a jeep. The video that they were making notes from had said she was married 'on the cheap'.

My niece announced to her new reception teacher that 'daddy wears a dress on sundays'.

He's a vicar.

One of my charges wrote one which had us crying..

'my mummy has dangly tits and she washes them out in the sink at weekend.'

Tights, I think too.

My dd (about 3 at the time) had an insect bite from eating a picnic at nursery outside on the grass.

She wouldn't stop picking it and it got really sore over the course of a week, much cream was added but it still looked a big red angry patch.

Nursery asked to speak to me because dd told them that it was where I'd poured a kettle of boiling water over her

Luckily have known nursery for a long time so it was fine but I just couldn't believe she'd said that!!

When I was helping out in dd's class they had the fire fighter come in to do a fire safety talk. The undertaker's little boy announced that his daddy has a fire fighter's outfit that he wears on Saturday nights in bed to make his mummy feel safe
My dd brought home the Christmas card she had made at school again addressed only to me (I bet school think I'm a single parent) As an afterthought I suspect, she had an attempt at a humorous one for her daddy. On the front it said "Daddy this Christmas will be the one in your dreams, laying on the sofa...." Inside she wrote "Get up you lazy bogger!"

My parents got an initial assessment visit after my sister told the school (pre Harry Potter) that she was made to sleep in the cupboard.

"The cupboard" as it became known is a small double bedroom complete with fitted wardrobe and window!

She had decided it was a "cupboard" because it was much smaller than the rooms my brother and I had.

But hey, it's shit being the youngest!

Oh I've just thought of a corker.

My BIL has always had an interest in aeroplanes, particularly the Spitfires and Messershmitts that were used in WW2. He had many books and DVDs on the subject, which my little nephews loved as well. When it was Father's Day my nephew had to make his Dad a card at school. The teahcer was a bit perturbed when he decorated it all over with lovingly drawn swastikas.

My SIL had to explain to the teacher that her DH wasn't Nick Griffin - just a German bomber anorak.

One little boy in Reception came to school with Mum's pink vibrator in his bookbag.
Another girl came to school with a roll of £50 notes she'd taken from Daddy's side of the bed.

And once I was teaching a yr2 class about 3D shape. I asked them who could describe a pyramid to me?
One little girl's hand shot up. She's not normally the type to answer my questions without a lot of prompting, so I let her answer...
"I know what one of them is! My mummy has a pyramid every month!"

Nothing bad here to the best of my knowledge so far!

Though my story books tell a tale! I had many stories about my mum being late and making up lies to tell my dad. They were true (still are!). My mum fostered cats and I wrote about one kitten "She gave him away just to make me cry, I'll hate her forever". My mum was heartbroken. It wasn't true (I was a bit miffed) but I knew if I got the teachers waterworks going I'd get a better mark!

My mum was handed a piece of work I did on parents evening once. It read "If I was a millionaire I'd buy..." and we had to choose things for all our family. My brothers were going to get planes and flash cars, my mum was going to get a chef. But I wrote that my Dad really wanted a stripper. (wallpaper, clearly!)

One of my Brownies has a very sexy mum and hunky dad, dad works away several days a week. Brownie loves to tell us about the joyful reunion of mum and dad at weekends - "and when I went in the bedroom, Dad was wearing mum's pink frilly pants on his bum!" was one classic.

OH so many!

• a personal favourite, circle time (yr 1):

What was the first thing you heard someone say today? Cue lots of good mornings/ pass the milk etc. then, 'Oh well son, it looks like it'll be another fine fuck of a day' He even put on a gruff voice.

-The day (same class ) they brought in battery operated toys for a project (I was a young and naive new teacher)
Was funny though handing it back at home time!

-Show (same class in yr 2, god they were mad) 'This is a scan of a baby. My sister is having a baby. Do you remember you taught her last year (actually 2 years before) in year 6 Miss?'

-Recently (I'm the child protection officer) a child was sent to me. He said his step-dad was beating his mum and assured his teacher he'd heard it happen a few times, she was even lying on the floor once. After some questioning it dawned on me what they were really up to!

I've just remembered how I got my own parents into trouble. We moved to Wales when I was 6 and I was struggling to learn Welsh and English at the same time and mixing the words a lot, plus I had an Eastern European accent which was hard to understand. I cut my finger quite badly one morning on the butter lid (how?). I struggled to explain at school how I'd trapped my finger and told the staff 'Menyn bit me' (menyn-welsh for butter). They heard 'mummy bit me'...

Some of my Y3 pupils used to pay me compliments about my appearance. I was less impressed by:

"Have you got a cold, Miss AngelDog? Your nose is all red."

"You look like you've just got out of bed, Miss."

I had a 6 year old pupil once who wrote smoe interview questions for the local curate from her church. Unfortunately her adwriting was a bit dodgy, and she'd written, "when did you first start being a cunt?" and "have you always wanted to be a cunt?"

This is nothing to do with parents, but a few years ago, one of my Year 9s wrote about the (imagined) day that Jamie Oliver visited the school to promote healthy eating. She was a bright, conscientious girl and the piece was really good, but her pen kept failing her; some parts of letters were missing. This wasn't especially funny, but I almost wet myself laughing when she wrote about how Jamie had encouraged everyone by shouting, "Hey guys! Let's get cocking!"

My DS told the Ed Psych that he attended lots of adult parties, and that he made movies but they were too violent to show anyone!

But after he locked himself in the toilets for an hour and yelled 'don't hit me' at the SENCO who was trying to get him out I was sure they were going to report me to SS....

Years ago when DH was about 10 his mum & dad took him out of school for a few weeks to go on a family holiday travelling around Europe. Part of the deal was that he and his brother had to write a holiday diary.

DH hated writing anything at all it was filled with very short sentances....until half way through the diary he went into graphic detail about the nudist beach they had seen and all the topless women who were playing volley ball and sunbathing. He even accompanied it with a very detailed drawing of a topless sunbather, the detail in the breasts was quite impressive. Bet that kept the teaching giggling for a while

I was still am a bit of an annoying know-it-all as a child. I remember us having our first sex-ed type class aged about 8 or 9. The girls had been separated from the boys and our teacher asked us if anyone knew what a period was. Queue me sticking my hand in the air and matter of factly informing my class mates that a "period" is what American children call their school lessons

You can't fault me for being wrong but hell I still cringe at the thought 20 years later