What do I do?

[DontTellMeToTakeInIroning]

Let me preface by saying I entirely accept that this is all my own fault and I hold my hands up. I am in debt. A lot of debt. I'll estimate it's around £50k. Largely interest on previous loans/credit cards which were ran up because I have a compulsive spending habit.... holidays, clothes, beauty treatments, etc. I earn well so it's been largely manageable - but now it all feels like just too much. An example is that I wrote my previous car off and ended up with a car on PCP (two years in) - I have been using the pay out I got in insurance for the monthly payments but this will run out soon as I'll need to find an extra £289 a month.

I will point out that I have a complicated relationship with my mum, who has bailed me out a couple of times already over the years - I've always paid her back the full amount. I have a bit of a front to keep up with her to stop her knowing the situation I'm in as I don't want to alert her to it e.g. suddenly stop going on holiday with her, stop nail appointments, etc.

I currently earn £54k a year which will go up to £56k soon and £62k after October. But I am single so solely responsible for the home and all bills - the house has approx. £50k equity and mortgage is due for renewal in October, but I'm not convinced about borrowing more with my credit rating. I am looking for a second job but already work around 50 hours a week in my main role. I can't take in a lodger, move house, or take in ironing.

My options are:

1. Come out of the work pension scheme until I am more financially stable - but I'm 40 now and can't guarantee how long that might be
2. Struggle on until October and hope that I can re-mortgage - although I can't borrow enough to pay everything off and it will kill my credit rating even more if they turn me down
3. Get a secured loan now via a broker - see above (and yes I'm aware it should only be done for home improvements but needs must)
4. Confess all to my mum and ask for help - she has no mortgage and I'm an only child so I would possibly suggest equity release but I'm scared to even flag it up...

If it helps I have 21 years left on the mortgage, and was always planning on selling up and travelling when I eventually retire - not taking any money with me when I go!

@DontTellMeToTakeInIroning I think you would benefit enormously from AA and Debtors’ Anonymous - being in community with other people who’ve had similar issues can massively reduce the shame around it which helps you come out of denial and feel less scared of the changes you need to make in order to be back in control of your life.

Also, @DontTellMeToTakeInIroning some reframing & encouragement: a few things are happening cognitively / on a nervous system level here due to your autism.

• you’re very in the weeds about small details (pay rise, car payments, etc) and missing the big picture (outgoings consistently exceeding income) - there are important parts of your situation you are not perceiving because of a focus on detail

• You’re having difficulty imagining how life will be possible if things change / you spend less. This is a problem with transitions / imagining the future / change which is very common for autistic folks. It feels that the routine and status quo is what’s keeping you going and big changes feel threatening and hard to imagine. This is where a leap of faith is required - and though this is harder for autistic people, most autistic people (even AuDHDers) are also fucking incredible at making huge changes if they see them as a project or something that can be ‘won’ at. This is where hyperfocus / perfectionism / any competitive instinct you may have can really come in handy.

• By far the best budgeting / money management app for me (ADHD, used to be awful with money, now obsessively organised about it) is YNAB. You pay an annual fee, but it has been SO worth it to me. It makes sense in a way other systems don’t, it isn’t shaming, and it feels pleasingly gamified.

• Keep your cats. And FWIW I think pet insurance is important and smart. Non cat people won’t get it, so ignore them.

You can do this but you need to make changes.

Hats off to Voltaire for that post, which I think has the soundest advice on the thread.

Yes, keep your beloved cats (assuming you have a couple of nice neutered cats, not 15 semi-ferals and a horde of kittens).

Are you on HRT? It's a gamechanger when you get the dose right. It's resolved some issues for me that I'd had for donkeys years that obviously were always related to my Oestrogen levels. Peri/meno only makes ADHD worse. Take a look at the Balance Menopause website for all you need to know on the subject.

I'm not saying it will cure everything, but the right dose of HRT enabled me to come off my anxiety meds, my flatness / depression lifted and my decades-long nocturnal panic attacks stopped.

@herbetta sadly I'm already on oestrogen, progesterone AND testosterone! Only started T in the last week though. I think at my next review I'm going to ask them to up the dose of the others too as not sure it's enough just yet

perfect time @DontTellMeToTakeInIroning to sit your mum down and tell her you need to start saving.

Your mum seems unusually involved in your financial decisions - you need to cut that chord.

I'm on more than the 'recommended' dose of Oestrogen, but NICE guidelines say to treat the symptoms - and it took that increase for me to find a good ongoing resolution.