What do I do?

[DontTellMeToTakeInIroning]

Let me preface by saying I entirely accept that this is all my own fault and I hold my hands up. I am in debt. A lot of debt. I'll estimate it's around £50k. Largely interest on previous loans/credit cards which were ran up because I have a compulsive spending habit.... holidays, clothes, beauty treatments, etc. I earn well so it's been largely manageable - but now it all feels like just too much. An example is that I wrote my previous car off and ended up with a car on PCP (two years in) - I have been using the pay out I got in insurance for the monthly payments but this will run out soon as I'll need to find an extra £289 a month.

I will point out that I have a complicated relationship with my mum, who has bailed me out a couple of times already over the years - I've always paid her back the full amount. I have a bit of a front to keep up with her to stop her knowing the situation I'm in as I don't want to alert her to it e.g. suddenly stop going on holiday with her, stop nail appointments, etc.

I currently earn £54k a year which will go up to £56k soon and £62k after October. But I am single so solely responsible for the home and all bills - the house has approx. £50k equity and mortgage is due for renewal in October, but I'm not convinced about borrowing more with my credit rating. I am looking for a second job but already work around 50 hours a week in my main role. I can't take in a lodger, move house, or take in ironing.

My options are:

1. Come out of the work pension scheme until I am more financially stable - but I'm 40 now and can't guarantee how long that might be
2. Struggle on until October and hope that I can re-mortgage - although I can't borrow enough to pay everything off and it will kill my credit rating even more if they turn me down
3. Get a secured loan now via a broker - see above (and yes I'm aware it should only be done for home improvements but needs must)
4. Confess all to my mum and ask for help - she has no mortgage and I'm an only child so I would possibly suggest equity release but I'm scared to even flag it up...

If it helps I have 21 years left on the mortgage, and was always planning on selling up and travelling when I eventually retire - not taking any money with me when I go!

👆This with bells on

OP did you get help with your alcoholism?

The way you are talking about your current problem has all the hallmarks of addiction and denial - minimising, not taking accountability, being willing to try anything as long as it doesn’t involve changing the addictive behaviour…

Have you considered going to an overspenders anonymous meeting?

Very sensible advice. If you follow this advice you could get out of debt by paying any spare cash off your cards. Do not understand any circumstances take on any more debt of any kind. No nails, no holidays, no treats, no new clothes, make do with what you already have. Do not upset your Mum by asking her about equity release. If you took in a lodger it would pay for you to keep your Netflix and internet. Stop the therapy and face the fact you simply overspend because you have weak impulse control. I am not trying to be mean but you need to face reality. You can get yourself out of debt but you will need to give up all little luxury's.

I will point out that I have a complicated relationship with my mum, who has bailed me out a couple of times already over the years - I've always paid her back the full amount. I have a bit of a front to keep up with her to stop her knowing the situation I'm in as I don't want to alert her to it e.g. suddenly stop going on holiday with her, stop nail appointments, etc.

This is the crux of your problem - you want to get out of debt without changing your spending habits. You're an addict who doesn't want to admit your addiction in a way that will make a difference to your ability to indulge.

You aren't going to break this cycle until you actually stop spending money on things you don't need and prioritise building a sound financial foundation. If you did that, paid off the credit you have and made sure you were paying a reasonable amount into your pension and mortgage, you could probably get back to your current lifestyle eventually. But at the moment, all your plans are about enabling you to continue to live beyond your means now - pushing off the day of judgement. But it will come and the longer you keep doing this, the worse it will be.

Get some therapy sround why you spend so much and find strategies to stop. That would make your debt finite and possible to pay off as opposed to getting out of debt only to get back in debt in a few years from now. You clearly have a problem spending.

OP your posts are full of cognitive distortions.

For example, I can't bear my mum to know I'm cutting back and so can't do nails, but I can ask her to do an equity release on her house for literally thousands of times more than the cost of a nail appointment.

It doesn't make sense.

You are using faulty logic and reaching for justifications to avoid actually reducing spending. It sounds like you're saying that's because you feel this risks changing how your mother perceives you.

But at the same time you've borrowed off your mother several times already and are considering asking her to remortgage her house and these things don't influence how she sees you?

Have a look at this:
https://www.psychologytools.com/resource/permissive-thinking

Im wondering whether part of the reason that cutting back seems difficult is because it feels so permanent.

So, I’m wondering whether a no spend month might help you to pay off a chunk of the debt without having to make the sort of permanent changes which you’re finding it hard to accept people suggesting.

So, for march, how about trying:

Speak to the gym to see if you can pause for a month and use YouTube for Pilates videos.
Pause all of your other tv subscriptions for a month.
Back out of any trips or days out. See friends for a walk or invite them to yours for a coffee.
Don’t do any treatments - if your mum suggests doing nails or something - say that you can’t this month as you’re trying to save money
Don’t buy any clothes, shoes etc
Try and not buy any food. Use up the food from your fridge, freezer, cupboards etc.
Try and only spend the petrol for going to/from work. Otherwise walk as much as possible.

At the same time:
Go through your wardrobe and sell anything that you don’t wear on Vinted.
Look through the house, identify anything that you no longer need and list it on Facebook marketplace.

That should give you roughly £500 to pay off the most expensive debt. Don’t reduce what you are paying - keep the monthly repayment at that level so that you begin paying off the original balance and not just the interest each month.

After your no spend month, come back to this thread and read the suggestions again, and see whether any of them feel more feasible.

Geez if I was your mum and you asked me to release equity it would be a big fat no, so good luck with that. And that’s what my mum would say to me too, although she does have some savings and might (only might) help with cash.

If I were you I would be cutting out the gym, you’ve explained that it’s beneficial to your mental health, I wouldn’t argue with that, but “beneficial” is not the same as “necessary.”

I actually think coming out of the work pension scheme is probably your best option. You say you don’t know how long it will be for … but you do have some control over that you know, depending on how disciplined you are in relation to your spending and paying off debt.

Can you give the car back and get a bus/bike.

Others have mentioned similar but you really need to download the budget planner from Money Saving Expert. You enter ALL your spending, including weekly, monthly and annual bills which then gives you your current outgoings each month. So if you estimate that you spend £300 on Christmas presents in November, it will show that £25 per month is needed to be able to afford that £300 in a lump sum later.

It will lay it all bare and show you exactly what you can save money on, whether that's small things like parking charges or biggies like food.

But that's just for information as your starting point - you've had good advice about confronting the front you are projecting to your mum/talking to debt charities from people who know more than me.

If my adult dd told me that she can no longer afford multiple holidays a year, beauty treatments and weekends away, I would think she’s sensible, not “broke”.
It wouldn’t raise any suspicion for me at all.

You don’t even need to say that you can’t afford them, but say you’ve made a budget and want to change your spending habits

@EskarinaS I don't want my mum to know I have debts. The majority of my insurance has just been renewed, I always make sure I switch if it's cheaper (and I use my rewards from Money Supermarket towards my food shop so that's been £50 this year). I can't do anything about the car as it would involve having to pay the next two year's contributions up front to get out of the contract. I work from home most of the time but make my own lunch when I go into the office - maybe once a month I'll get a meal deal. I always cook from scratch and I never ever drink takeaway coffee.

@McSpoot the last time I discussed debt with my mum was nine years ago, she thinks I have been debt free since then.

@VoltaireMittyDream I didn't get any formal help, no. I'm currently looking at the Spender's Anonymous and Debtor's Anonymous websites.

@Hhhwgroadk I've already explained why I can't get a lodger - it's simply not an option

@beAsensible1 I can't give the car back without incurring thousands in charges. Also when I need to be on site for work it's not accessible via public transport without leaving home at 4am (I start at 7am)

the last time I discussed debt with my mum was nine years ago, she thinks I have been debt free since then.

@DontTellMeToTakeInIroning Yet one of your options is to ask her to risk her house to bail you out again. Which, obviously, would mean telling her that you're in debt. Why is that an option but telling her you cannot afford treats not an option?

Indeed - is going on holiday 4 rtimes a year for me beneficial- absolutely- necessary? No

@DontTellMeToTakeInIroning thing is OP, you can’t on one hand ask your mum to do equity release but also don’t want her to know you have debts! As I said , you need to do a DMP and cut back at the same time, you then don’t have to mention debt - say you need to get some savings behind you or pay off your car or whatever - but the biggie is to get that monthly debt repayment down in an official way

Asking your mother to bail you out again should be last resort, IMO. But you don't have to go on holiday with her that you can't afford.

Can everyone please stop pointing out that if I ask my mum for help then I'll have to tell her I have debts - I would have thought that's quite obvious! If I start saying I can't afford things she will be wondering why or what's changed because she knows how much I earn and will be suspicious. The options are not telling her or confessing all and hoping she will forgive me.

OP cutting back is hard, I had to massively reduce my spending last year to fund my kids Uni fees and at first it was difficult but now it's a way of life. I also had to stop things that were excellent for my MH (a cleaner, a PT) but I simply couldn't afford them any longer.

I wouldn't suggest getting rid of your cats for one moment, but your gymn is expensive, I would try a Council one or do pay as you go Pilates once a week and a home work out the other days. Your phone can be reduced, I got a Lebara deal for £1 per month then rising to £5 after six months. Use your library for books, make sure you are on cashback sites (Airtime is super easy). After a while it becomes a way of life and now I feel a bit sick about all the money I wasted on stuff I thought I needed.

@DontTellMeToTakeInIroning you earn well OP but are on your own, you don’t earn stupendously well . Personally I wouldn’t ask her as your first port of call , i would however tell her you have to cut back as you need to pay off some debt and get some savings behind you. I think it looks better if she offers rather than you requesting it.

Then why isn't option 4, telling her that you're in debt and can no longer afford all the holidays and treats?

You keep saying that you couldn't possibly give up the treats because you'd have to tell her about the debt but have yet to explain why that's a problem but telling her about the debts so that she bails you out and you don't have to change your spending patterns.

Yes, I'd have thought it was quite obvious too, but based on your comments, it doesn't seem obvious to you.

Non knowing your mind you’ve ruled out applying for PIP but I would think again. You’re paying out hundreds for coping strategies that do not seem to be related to the overspending and money management. This is (in part) what the daily living part is designed for.

I have a bit of a front to keep up with her to stop her knowing the situation I'm in as I don't want to alert her to it e.g. suddenly stop going on holiday with her, stop nail appointments, etc.

But… this is exactly what you need to do! If I was your Mum I would be so much more happy knowing you were working towards stability than spending money you can’t afford.

And if your Mum doesn’t feel the same, or you can’t be honest, this is a further signal of things beyond money that can be addressed constructively.

OR: It’s an excuse.

You can address your debt within 5 years and then start your retirement planning, But you are already imagining spending money travelling… at this rate this is not gong to happen.

Switch your focus and sense of achievement to savjng and debt management. It is actually really satisfying!

I have achieved everything I need in life, a home, job, awards, great friends, etc and have loads of fun without EVER having had my nails done, buying a car beyond basic functional size and spec needed or going on expensive holidays.

OP: you can also tell your Mum you are cutting back to save / pay off debts WITHOUT asking her for help.

In fact tell her no, you need to adjust your lifestyle so that she doesn’t need to ‘bail you out’.

And if she then offers to pay for you both to go on holiday together because that is what she wants to do: great. But don’t let her pay off your debts.

That’s the difference.

You will be so much happier if you can get to a point of feeling in control of YOUR money.

I don't want my mum to know I have debts

But you do have debts. That's the problem. Your mum knowing about it, or not, is not the problem.

Pretty much everyone I know is feeling the cost of living pinch, so you can use that as your reason for cutting back if you don’t want to talk about your debt.