What do I do?

[DontTellMeToTakeInIroning]

Let me preface by saying I entirely accept that this is all my own fault and I hold my hands up. I am in debt. A lot of debt. I'll estimate it's around £50k. Largely interest on previous loans/credit cards which were ran up because I have a compulsive spending habit.... holidays, clothes, beauty treatments, etc. I earn well so it's been largely manageable - but now it all feels like just too much. An example is that I wrote my previous car off and ended up with a car on PCP (two years in) - I have been using the pay out I got in insurance for the monthly payments but this will run out soon as I'll need to find an extra £289 a month.

I will point out that I have a complicated relationship with my mum, who has bailed me out a couple of times already over the years - I've always paid her back the full amount. I have a bit of a front to keep up with her to stop her knowing the situation I'm in as I don't want to alert her to it e.g. suddenly stop going on holiday with her, stop nail appointments, etc.

I currently earn £54k a year which will go up to £56k soon and £62k after October. But I am single so solely responsible for the home and all bills - the house has approx. £50k equity and mortgage is due for renewal in October, but I'm not convinced about borrowing more with my credit rating. I am looking for a second job but already work around 50 hours a week in my main role. I can't take in a lodger, move house, or take in ironing.

My options are:

1. Come out of the work pension scheme until I am more financially stable - but I'm 40 now and can't guarantee how long that might be
2. Struggle on until October and hope that I can re-mortgage - although I can't borrow enough to pay everything off and it will kill my credit rating even more if they turn me down
3. Get a secured loan now via a broker - see above (and yes I'm aware it should only be done for home improvements but needs must)
4. Confess all to my mum and ask for help - she has no mortgage and I'm an only child so I would possibly suggest equity release but I'm scared to even flag it up...

If it helps I have 21 years left on the mortgage, and was always planning on selling up and travelling when I eventually retire - not taking any money with me when I go!

@DontTellMeToTakeInIroning

Currently you are making decisions based on your emotions including people pleasing your Mum to avoid her wrath

You are setting yourself and your life alight to keep her warm
You will lose your house if you continue like this

Time to deal with money in terms of cold, hard figures

3293 ish take home

What are your essential,basic outgoings/ what you owe

This is the starting point

Cross post
So your outgoings are less than your income
Addv he pcp
That is what you have left for food and everything else

As previous posters have said: Make a spreadsheet of all your compulsory outgoings: Council tax, mortgage payments, car payments, TV licence. Cut down on using gas, electric, car use, buy very basic food only when you need it and cook at home only. Take a basic packed lunch to work. Get a much cheaper mobile/internet hub.

Do not buy: Beauty appointments, holidays, take out food or drink, going out with friends for anything, clothing. Cancel all extras and have only programmes that are covered by your TV licence.

Walk more, do free leisure activities only.

When you leave the house only take money for emergencies, i.e. bus fare. Leave all credit cards at home and never buy anything on the internet ever.

In other words live as if you have no access to any "extra" money, which in reality you don't.

Youve said you want advice on your four options - people are giving you their advice, which is that none of them are the solution you need! The only way to get out of debt is to start to pay off what you owe, not shifting it to a different type of debt. Even the smallest of changes will make a difference over time as long as you dont increase spending elsewhere.

Six holidays down to two and you think that’s good ?

In think you need proper professional support / it’s like you are addicted to spending and you use your mental health as your justification ? You say otherwise but that’s what I am reading

an adult shouldn’t need mummy to bail them
out multiple times; they should know not to go on holidays when they haven’t got the money for it ;

as a single adult you didn’t actually need a tumble drier

phone bill and tv and internet - just do internet on your phone until you are back in black

pets are a luxury you can’t afford

gym -replace with free you tube videos and walk outside

You should be able to afford all those things but your previous recklessness means you can’t and it will take years to pay off your debts

once you step up and face your problems realistically you may find your mental state improves. You will be more independent and grown up

edit - none of your 4 options are options you should consider

To be honest @DontTellMeToTakeInIroning there are loads of savings to be made here, but you have made it obvious that you are not interested in these. None if your 4 options is good. Your budget shows you are living beyond your means. I respect you for answering the questions honestly and wish you all the best. You don't seem ready to make significant changes yet. You just seem to want to find some extra money so you can carry on.

In terms of your 4 options

1 - don't do this - it will hardly save you any money for the reasons others have pointed out and is a poor choice

2 - bad idea to remortgage. Great that you haven't done this before, but if you start it, you will never pay off your mortgage. It's a sign that you are not managing to live within your means

3 - secured loan - no - far too much to go wrong there and not a good alternative to addressing your spending problem

4 - your mum has already helped you more than enough and you've already acknowledged that you think this dynamic has caused your issues

Cancel all your monthly expenditure that isn't necessary. There's a lot to cut.

@itsthetea I need home broadband so that I can work from home. And my cats are one of the things that keeps me going in life - do you tell skint mums to put their kids in care?

There are loads of things you're paying for that can be accessed for free or much cheaper, but I'm not willing to list these so that you can say 'yes but'.

You have choices, you just don’t want to use them. The solutions you offer are delaying and making the problems worse.
use one of your choices while you still have time. If you continue to go on holidays, get your nails done, pay for a gym and other things you can’t afford your mental health will be more impacted by potentially losing your home.
its tough but you can resolve this 🙏

My honest answer is to sort a debt management plan asap with step change - and do your new mortgage rate with current lender as they don’t usually go through all the process again — and you have ‘some’ equity anyway. It will bugger up your credit record admittedly but will stop you getting into more debt - it will however cause possible issues if you need to move

looking at your options I would also come out the pension scheme for maybe 18 months to give yourself a breather but get the calculations done 1st to see what difference it makes - I think the others are non starters- although I agree with others to be firm with your mum and just say you are focussing on paying off debt

Until you stop making spending decisions based on what your mother will think you're never going to find a way out of this. No point in anyone suggesting anything unless you acknowledge that

Probably sounds harsh but what other choice do you have?

Have you shared that you’re in debt with your therapist? If you have, then presumably you’ve talked through your options? If you haven’t the. I urge you to do so, it’s a major factor that affects your mental health.

if you think about the options rationally, you know that none of them present a sensible or sustainable answer. The solution lies in reducing your outgoings and putting together a plan to pay off the debts. You don’t need to pay them all at once. Get someone to help you plan paying them off over time. That will have the added bonus of re-educating your spending habits. I fear that if you find a way to pay your debts to zero, you’ll simply continue overspending and find yourself in debt again (which has evidently happened before).

£50k is a lot of money. But I’ve seen far, far worse on these boards. And you earn well so have the capacity to get debt free. But it’s going to take time and sacrifice.

I'm not trying to have a go at you OP and I don't think other posters are either. But you are saying you want things to change and your intended solutions all involve perpetuating the problem. It's within your means so solve this. You have a good income and cheap housing. Don't ask people to collude with your spending problem.

Re your mental health ..of course its important you stay healthy but you have cited several things as being important for your MH - do you need them ALL to stay well?

tether Your laptop to the phone or ditch the phone
Then and ditch the tv - basic internet is under £30 a month.

you can’t afford cats. Cats are not humans. I do roll my eyes at people who have kids when they haven’t got the financial maturity to manage

I really am cutting back as much as I can without alerting my mum to the fact I'm skint

No.
Stop blaming any of this on your mum. It's not an adult way to live.

You need to cut back even if it alerts your mum. "But I had to pretend to mum" is not an adequate reason not to.

You are nearly a whole year's salary in debt, and spending a huge amount of your income on servicing it.

Your budget doesn’t include food, petrol, pet food, clothes, gifts, socialising, holiday costs, hair/nails/treatments.

it’s quite clear that you spend more than your income. Even if you clear what you owe, you’re going to end up back in debt.

There is no other solution than to cut your spending.

i’m sorry to be brutal. It’s not to be mean or upset you. I think you need the facts spelling out to you.

Sorry this is t helpful for the question you’ve asked but your attitude to money is bat shit to me…
was always planning on selling up and travelling when I eventually retire - not taking any money with me when I go!
But how do you know whe. You’re going to go. What if you live an extra 5 years… with no money.

as well as whatever you do with your current debt you need to reassess your mindset in my opinion. Don’t ask your mum for help…. You’ve done it before and clearly not learnt at all. You need to learn from past mistakes.

Ask your mum if you can borrow the money from her and then make a realistic payment plan that you stick to. While in debt to her yoy shouldn't go on holidays, do nails/hair/beauty treatments, no shopping if it's not strictly necessary, no take outs or extras.

@Sidebeforeself yes I actually think I do, I am autistic, with suspected ADHD, dysthymia, bouts of depression, GAD and not to mention being menopausal. It's taken me a long time just to find a combination of things that help enough to allow me to lead a normal life.

@itsthetea My internet is £23.99 a month. Once again, do you tell parents to put their kids into care if they need to save money? Cats may not be humans but they mean the world to me - I would rather go without food myself to feed them

@KarmenPQZ I will have a good pension that will see me through until it's my time - I just meant I don't plan to leave any money behind - there's no point

@DontTellMeToTakeInIroningmy ADHD makes me a compulsive spender. It’s so hard.
Where were you planning to live when you’re retired when you finish travelling ?

The biggie though is£1300 on debt , which is why I think it’s got to be DMP PLUS cutting back . If she paid £650 a month on DMP - that instantly puts £650 back in the pot - however no point doing that and carrying on as before - I wonder if the mum usesOP for company, so is also always suggesting holidays, meals out, events etc ? I think if that’s the case OP is going to have to come clean and say she can’t afford it -

@notatinydancer Well my first plan was to sell the house and go on a round the world cruise. Then use the rest to live off alongside my NHS pension (30+ years contributions) and rent a little retirement flat somewhere.

I know it sounds awful but as I'm not planning to retire until whatever state age will be by then (at least 70) I would imagine I would also have had my inheritance by then as well.

Well for example there are other ways to do Pilates and meditation at home for free.

Stop putting on a front and tell your mum you have got into debt but are working at getting back out it, stop taking handouts from your mum, that isn’t helping you.

stop spending on unnecessary things, stop the holidays and start being an adult and dealing with this problem you have.

people have given you good advice. Contact step change who will help.

@Crikeyalmighty you've hit the nail on the head - one of the main reasons our relationship isn't great right now is that we were spending far too much time together. And she likes, for example, expensive holidays. She also knows what I earn -I don't need to to tell her, it's publicly available if you know my role - so would be suspicious if I suddenly had no money