What do I do?

[DontTellMeToTakeInIroning]

Let me preface by saying I entirely accept that this is all my own fault and I hold my hands up. I am in debt. A lot of debt. I'll estimate it's around £50k. Largely interest on previous loans/credit cards which were ran up because I have a compulsive spending habit.... holidays, clothes, beauty treatments, etc. I earn well so it's been largely manageable - but now it all feels like just too much. An example is that I wrote my previous car off and ended up with a car on PCP (two years in) - I have been using the pay out I got in insurance for the monthly payments but this will run out soon as I'll need to find an extra £289 a month.

I will point out that I have a complicated relationship with my mum, who has bailed me out a couple of times already over the years - I've always paid her back the full amount. I have a bit of a front to keep up with her to stop her knowing the situation I'm in as I don't want to alert her to it e.g. suddenly stop going on holiday with her, stop nail appointments, etc.

I currently earn £54k a year which will go up to £56k soon and £62k after October. But I am single so solely responsible for the home and all bills - the house has approx. £50k equity and mortgage is due for renewal in October, but I'm not convinced about borrowing more with my credit rating. I am looking for a second job but already work around 50 hours a week in my main role. I can't take in a lodger, move house, or take in ironing.

My options are:

1. Come out of the work pension scheme until I am more financially stable - but I'm 40 now and can't guarantee how long that might be
2. Struggle on until October and hope that I can re-mortgage - although I can't borrow enough to pay everything off and it will kill my credit rating even more if they turn me down
3. Get a secured loan now via a broker - see above (and yes I'm aware it should only be done for home improvements but needs must)
4. Confess all to my mum and ask for help - she has no mortgage and I'm an only child so I would possibly suggest equity release but I'm scared to even flag it up...

If it helps I have 21 years left on the mortgage, and was always planning on selling up and travelling when I eventually retire - not taking any money with me when I go!

It's not sustainable which is why I asked for specific advice on those options.

The thing that is not sustainable is the pretence that you are not in debt.

Stop pretending, and you can get out of this situation (with your cats).

I do recognise autistic intransigence, for want of a better word. You are fixated on the wrong thing here.

It would be from the sale of her house - she also has a massive monthly pension to pay for her lifestyle plus a ton of savings and investments...

You can’t rely on an inheritance.

@DontTellMeToTakeInIroning

The £1352 you are paying on debt each month
Is this the minimum payments
Is any of it on 0%?

Have you actually added it up or are you guessing its 50K
Could it be more ?

We've had the conversation and even in a private care home she would have enough to pay the fees from her pension. There's no other way it could disappear. But also once I've done all I want to in this life I would fully seek out assisted dying, I've no desire to live longer than that. And if it's not legal by then well....

I really am cutting back as much as I can without alerting my mum to the fact I'm skint

That's absolutely ridiculous. You want to continue getting into debt because of someone else's opinion? Madness.

Have you looked at the national autistic societies section on money management? The last time that I looked it was quite helpful and they might be able to signpost you to support that is more sympathetic towards the financial literacy that often comes with ASD. More helpful than many on here

You need to learn to live within a budget or you will continue making the same mistakes and spend the rest of your life in debt, and probably miss out in the retirement you envision. A woman approaching 40 shouldn't be wanting their mum to bail them out, again.

I do get that as I have a similar thing with a DH with pricey tastes who isn’t keen on compromising , so you know what, I would have an honest conversation and just say you need to build some savings up and pay down some debt as you are spending more than you earn - grit your teeth and do it - if she asks you , then be upfront - what can she do? Either offer you it , or at least get the message as to why you need to cut back - and do look at doing a DMP honestly - I know it feels embarrassing but unless you are in an industry or profession where it would be an issue, accountant etc then I think it would really help, combined with some cutting back - it would also stop you having access to credit - and quite often ( not always but often) there is some write down, so you end up paying 65p on the pound etc
if your mum did offer some, I would still only take a smaller sum and pay off the highest interest/most pressing credit or car etc - I would also look at your triggers to spend, is it getting out, is it crappy weather, is it boredom - if it is look at doing things that are cheaper but keep you busy, reading, cooking more, binge watch series, learn to do your own nails, spend money on some home beauty treatments for far less money - in fact develop a hobby of seeing how much fun you can have spending as little as possible etc - invite people round for snack's and drinks evenings ( asking all to bring something) etc - volunteer one night a week - gets you out at zero cost

If you intend to take your own life eventually, that really runs counter to taking responsibility for your spending and securing your long-term future. Have you been open with your therapist about this?

Whilst I get your point, I would also factor in the lady isn’t entitled to expect her daughter to keep her company , accompany her on trips and fully pay for herself each time and build debt to do so . However think the OP has to come clean on this as her mother may genuinely think she can afford it

Wow ok

i dont understand why you got a car on pcp if you had an insurance payout you use that to buy another car surely

Did you choose to ignore the posts about op’s mental health struggles?

The two are not mutually exclusive.

OP, I really feel for you. I have autistic family members and I can absolutely see how you feel like certain things are non-negotiable and that change is challenging. Your relationship with your mum sounds very problematic, and it seems as if the key to empowering yourself out of debt lies in addressing this primary relationship.

Living within your means is hugely liberating. I understand from lived experience the impulsivity of the kind of 'fuck it' spending you describe, especially when it involves chucking money at a problem, like you say -I had a period as a newly qualified teacher eeking it out on a shoestring and repaying student loans, when I got into debt subsidising my school by paying for necessary classroom resources, as well as joining in with the school's culture of personalised gifts and prizes for children at birthdays, Christmas, Easter and end of year etc. Then again in relation to my own DC1's disability (also autism) which has necessitated a reduction in household working hours, as well as money spent to enable access to learning and therapeutic interventions in order to keep DC1 in education.

A change of circumstance forced a new outlook. I no longer spend a penny more than I absolutely have to -on anything. Because I can't. The thing I want the most means that I can no longer pick up tabs or the slack for others, in any capacity. It requires a kind of discipline; to prioritise yourself, and the relief is immense. I wonder whether you are prioritising your mum's approval to the point of personal detriment? I wonder to what extent you individuated in adolescence, in order for you to have remained bonded in this way? Being bailed out by parents can hugely derail the relationship between adult children and their parents -I have seen this at close range with my DSis (who is also autistic, incidentally).
OP, I wish you all the best.

I don’t think you sound well OP. I think you should talk to your mum - not to ask for money, but she needs to understand what’s going on in your life before it spirals out of control. As an outsider it looks like you’re on the precipice to be honest. I hope that she can support you.

Thank you everyone for your advice - I honestly am taking it on board. I've been to a pub quiz tonight, spent £1 on entry and had a water, and I only need to buy a cucumber and an onion to supplement batch cooking I already did for the next few days. Unfortunately I have a trip to London this weekend but my mum has paid for our train and tickets (because she wanted to go and I didn't, not because she wanted to save me money) so I'm just hoping I'm now not expected to pay for all dinners, drinks, coffees, etc. in return!

I do know that it is entirely my own fault I am in this mess. I've flagged up my MH issues (and past alcoholism) not as an excuse but as factors that have contributed.

Oh and @whynotwhatknot my car was quite old and so I would only have been able to buy an equivalent with the pay out - my role was slightly different at the time which meant I was doing a lot of mileage so needed something reliable

@DontTellMeToTakeInIroning and we all gave our reasons for being were we are - may be a good opportunity too to come clean with your mum - you don’t have to say ‘how much’ - just that you need to reign it in

I realised I didn't reply about my therapy either. I'm currently paying a monthly subscription for a Transcranial Direct Current Stimulation Device (used by the NHS in some places and good evidence base) so not seeing a human therapist.

When I say I'm doing this because I've exhausted all other options I genuinely mean it. I've done CBT (several times), DBT, CAT (twice), tried eight types of antidepressants (two of which I'm still on), two mood stabilisers, and an anti anxiety medication (still on that too) plus all the lifestyle improvements/changes I've made. So at this point I feel I can justify the spending if it works - it's too soon to tell just yet

Have you applied for PIP ?

I wouldn't qualify in a million years, the issue with budgeting is the only thing that would score me any points at all

OP, I know that money management is often difficult for autistic people and change is hard. I have an autistic relative who has had huge debt issues in the past.

But you really need to do a couple of things:

• talk to your mum. Tell her you value spending time with her, but it needs to be free or cheap activities as you are trying to pay off debts
• talk to step change or similar about your debts. Work with them to look at whether you can shift any of them to cheaper borrowing
• really look at your expenditure. Shop around for insurance. Get an audio and ebook subscription for free through the library. If your mobile signal is good, cancel your broadband, get a SIM only unlimited data plan and tether your laptop to your phone. Look at whether there are cheaper options for a car. Cancel your gym membership and do pilates at home to YouTube videos.

You haven't mentioned how much you spend on food, beauty treatments, clothes etc. Do you take lunch to work with you? Do you buy takeaway coffees? Do you cook from scratch?

Not being able to tell your mother that you cannot afford to travel or do nails with her seems a red herring. You had no problem telling her you needed to borrow money and are considering asking her to risk her house because you need money - so you clearly can tell her about not having enough money. Just not in a way that means you no longer get to do things that you cannot actually afford.