What do I do?

[DontTellMeToTakeInIroning]

Let me preface by saying I entirely accept that this is all my own fault and I hold my hands up. I am in debt. A lot of debt. I'll estimate it's around £50k. Largely interest on previous loans/credit cards which were ran up because I have a compulsive spending habit.... holidays, clothes, beauty treatments, etc. I earn well so it's been largely manageable - but now it all feels like just too much. An example is that I wrote my previous car off and ended up with a car on PCP (two years in) - I have been using the pay out I got in insurance for the monthly payments but this will run out soon as I'll need to find an extra £289 a month.

I will point out that I have a complicated relationship with my mum, who has bailed me out a couple of times already over the years - I've always paid her back the full amount. I have a bit of a front to keep up with her to stop her knowing the situation I'm in as I don't want to alert her to it e.g. suddenly stop going on holiday with her, stop nail appointments, etc.

I currently earn £54k a year which will go up to £56k soon and £62k after October. But I am single so solely responsible for the home and all bills - the house has approx. £50k equity and mortgage is due for renewal in October, but I'm not convinced about borrowing more with my credit rating. I am looking for a second job but already work around 50 hours a week in my main role. I can't take in a lodger, move house, or take in ironing.

My options are:

1. Come out of the work pension scheme until I am more financially stable - but I'm 40 now and can't guarantee how long that might be
2. Struggle on until October and hope that I can re-mortgage - although I can't borrow enough to pay everything off and it will kill my credit rating even more if they turn me down
3. Get a secured loan now via a broker - see above (and yes I'm aware it should only be done for home improvements but needs must)
4. Confess all to my mum and ask for help - she has no mortgage and I'm an only child so I would possibly suggest equity release but I'm scared to even flag it up...

If it helps I have 21 years left on the mortgage, and was always planning on selling up and travelling when I eventually retire - not taking any money with me when I go!

The options are not telling her or confessing all and hoping she will forgive me.

Christ, this thread is frustrating.

No. Those are not the only options. There is another option which is to say 'Sorry, Mum, I'm really cutting back on my spending at the moment. The cost of living's gone up and you know I've been in debt before so I don't want that to happen again'. There is also an option which is 'I'm in debt again and obviously I don't want to have to ask you to bail me out again, so I'm cutting back on my spending to pay it back.' SURELY you can see that this is a better option than either getting into more debt solely to save face, and also a better option than only telling her you're in debt when you need her to lend you money?

You're a grown woman. You're fifty grand in debt and you're blowing money on holidays with your mother, getting yourself more into debt, because you don't want her to know you're in debt. Jeez. You surely must see how utterly absurd that behaviour is and that it is very obviously not he only option.

You can't borrow your way out of a debt like yours. You either need to take action to manage your debts with a proper repayment plan, even if that means seeing your credit rating plummet, or you need to drastically cut back on your spending with a proper budget and stop throwing money at mother-daughter activities like trips to the nail bar and bloody holidays.

You seem to have a really odd, fearful and really co-dependent relationship with your mum to be honest. Are you relying on each other for social stuff in place of having friends? Because most adults don't routinely go on holidays etc with their mum every year, really.

I noticed you said "hoping she will forgive me".

Forgive you for what? You are an adult, and your debts are not her problem. Your choices are yours, not hers.

You seem to be in awe of her, as if she has omniscient oversight of all your income and spending patterns -- but if she did, she would know that you can't afford that lifestyle and holidays.

Was it a condition of her previous bailout that you should remain debt-free? If so, cutting back on your spending is doing the right thing anyway.

This is insane. You're 40 years old and spending money you don't have on getting your nails done, going on day trips to London etc because you're scared of your mum knowing that you're in debt?!

Surely she'd be massively more concerned / pissed off if she knew you were getting into MORE debt by hiding it from her?!

And considering the OP has been bailed out before then went on 6 holidays last year whilst £50k in debt, I doubt it would last very long anyway.

Yep. When they've been on 6 holidays in the year before. Baffling.

They will presumably set the payment at whatever leaves me with the absolute bare minimum to live off won't they? And in those years I can't re-mortgage to a better deal, sort out my car finance, etc?

Yes, but this is what you need to do to pay off debt, which is what you wanted? Or did you mean you wanted to pay off the debt without changing your lifestyle? If you could do that, you wouldn't be in debt in the first place...

I say that as someone with massive spending problems due in part to ADHD, but with tough conversations etc am much better now.

There is an element here of just needing to grow up. You list a load of mental disorders, but all of which are actually quite common and many people have them in some form or another. Listing them separately is a deliberate ploy to make yourself look/feel more 'ill' and helpless than reality, when basically you have anxiety and depression, and are neurodiverse.

Why are you so enmeshed with your mother?

Once again @BauhausOfEliott is absolutely spot on.

Very, very odd to be so worried about what a parent thinks of you and whether they'll be able to "forgive" you when you're a 40 year old woman.

Tbh though, if I were a parent who had bailed out my adult child financially several times, and they continued to run up debts after that, I'd be disappointed.

But if you'd bailed your adult child out several times, would you then continue to ask them to go on holiday with you, get your nails done together, go on day trips to London etc?! Because I don't know of any parent who would behave like this.

If I'd have asked my mum for financial help (when I was a grown adult on £50k a year I might add) and she gave it me, it would be on the understanding that it wasn't happening again and that I need to stay home and bloody save rather than going out and blowing a load of money again!

Very weird relationship.

Edited to add, she clearly knows her daughter is hugely irresponsible with money so why she's continuing to encourage her spending is beyond me.

Thanks everyone, the classic MN pile on of kicking someone while they are down.

Yes we have a fucking odd relationship, I wish it wasn't that way but some of us weren't born into perfect families with perfect parents. She thinks I am the only person around her who earns the equivalent to what she gets and so I am the person who she comes to for holidays, etc. And yes on the surface to her I can afford it BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THE DEBT

I'm stepping away from this thread now after a vile comment saying I'm basically exaggerating my mental health struggles (I'm far from fucking helpless by the way - you have absolutely no idea what I've managed to overcome in life).

But you don't have any money.

You cannot keep spending money at her behest just so that she doesn't get suspicious that you are in debt. So what if she knows. Are you scared of her. Is it that she will tell you off? So what. You are an adult.
You don't have to be told off you know what you have to do.

It sounds to me as if she might be in debt too... and given that she chooses expensive holidays etc without considering the cost to herself or to you, you may well learnt some of these habits from her. So it might be a good thing if she does find out and make her rethink her own attitudes. The idea that she should do equity release in her home to help finance your debts is - I'm sorry to say this - an awful one. Read up on Equity release. It is not all its cracked up to be. It is simply a reverse mortgage. Another debt, repaid from your home.

Tell yourself the truth and tell your Mum the truth - but after you have seen a real life debt counsellor and worked out your plan of action. You don't have to be so emeshed with your mother or dependent on her approval or disapproval either. Start being in charge of your own life choices. Don't put off dealing with things in case she finds out. That is just a ridiculous excuse to continue as you are.

I think the key to debt reduction is not seeing it as a sack cloth and ashes approach but like an effective diet... not a starvation diet but a sensible, healthy one . So you make, with the debt counsellors advice, a plan that you can sustain that will make a dent in your debt mountain. I guarantee that once you can see the sum going down you will feel an immediate improvement in your mental health.

I agree that you don't have to give up your cats if they are your comfort and your pleasure... budget for them.... hopefully that will give you pause for thought when you consider another nail appointment that you don't need. How much cat food/vet bills would the nail appointment buy.

Instead of going on expensive holidays.. Plan a reasonable weekend away to look forward to once you have passed a certain level of debt repayment.

Sell some of the things you've bought but don't need.

If you don't change your ways now, things will be much worse in a years time and the measures needed will be more drastic. Above all, do not borrow to give yourself more chances to continue as you are. Its good that you are looking at this thread. Its a start, but now you need to get real life advice and an action plan together.

Cross posted. I haven't read all the replies to you, but even if you are stepping away from this thread, I did see some posters who gave good advice that you need to get some help with sorting out your debt that doesn't involve taking out new loans on your own without advice. There's a huge section in Money Saving Expert about how to do a money diet, with practical realistic advice. I hope that you manage to get some help with this problem as I think you will feel much more positive and in control of your life if you, and you don't have to do this in secret, or all on your own. Wishing you all the best .

But if you'd bailed your adult child out several times, would you then continue to ask them to go on holiday with you, get your nails done together, go on day trips to London etc?! Because I don't know of any parent who would behave like this

No, I wouldn't have. It's a weird dynamic.

keeping a front is part of the reason you are in this mess. if you are not honest about what you can afford with yourself and others you will just keeping ending up in dire situations again and again.

You are using your mum as an excuse not cut your spending and your MH as well. You need to be ok with discomfort.

What you should do is come clean to your mum, stay at hers for 6 months and short term let your house if you can't manage a lodger. This could help blitz your debt and doesn't put your mum in any sort of financial insecurity for your mistake.

Being debt-free might do more for your mental health than overspending.

The reason it feels like a "pile on" is that no one else agrees that keeping your mum in the dark is worth £1300 a month.

I hope you get a repayment plan and a budget sorted.

@Kilopascal so that warrants the comments I've had does it - I've been completely open about it being entirely my fault, I don't need endless confirmation of that, and nor do I need someone accusing me of fabricating/exaggerating my MH struggles in order to appear vulnerable and helpless (which couldn't be further from the truth)

I think you need to take the emotion out of it. You don't currentlyhave any spare money, so you can't spend money on things to keep your mum in the dark.

Sympathy with your struggles isn't actually going to repay your debts. Budgeting might, though.

Fortunately, you do have a decent job, so although it's a lot to repay, you can do it.

When you borrow from your mum she knows that you are borrowing because you have no money of your own.

When you go out spending with your mum she thinks you have the money to spend.

What you are doing is ridiculous. You are getting into debt so that you can have a pretend life. Pretending you have more money than you don't and lying to your mum to look good.

By continuing to do this, going out with your mum at the weekend and buying her meals and drinks, you are getting yourself more and more into debt.

You won't change this so nothing will change, your debt will spiral.

People are on the whole not belittling your problems but they are trying to make you see that you will make them worse with your actions and you can’t afford you do everything you want to do because it helps your mental health - you have to be able to look after yourself without relying on money you haven’t got and there are things that you can do - such replace the gym with at home exercise - to look after your mental health.

This is your choice - getting declared bankrupt and losing your house will be a far bigger mental health hit than anything to date. You have to be able to look after your mental health without going more and more into debt. It’s possible but you have to change your attitude

you are not a victim
it not hopeless
you can fix this

@itsthetea my comment referred to the poster accusing me of exaggerating or fabricating my health issues. I'd love for them to try being inside my head for one single hour

I've been completely open about it being entirely my fault, I don't need endless confirmation of that

Ok, what do you need? Budgeting advice, or some useful phrases to have ready for the next expensive invitation from your mum? Ideas for inexpensive ways to feel better? Ways to get more people into your life who aren't your mum?

THat shows an underspend vs your income, which isn't the case as yo've been getting into more and more debt, so you should dig deeper into what else you're spending on.

EG
-I guess you do actually eat? So where's the grocery bill?
-PCP car payment.
-Fuel
-Car maintenance
-Nails
-Holidays
-Day trips
-Meals out
-Drinks out

I should think my list above will add up to over £1000 per month, which is well over you monthly income.

So please look again at ALL your expenses and get a true list of what you spend. Then you will see the ONLY way to reduce your debt is to spend less.

Here are some ideas:

-Account fee - is this for a bank account? Cancel it immediately.
-Heating bill - get a blanket for your living room, turn the thermostat down 1 degree
-Gym - find an online pilates channel and make it free. £52 is the price of gym with excellent equipment and a pool. A gym without equipment is around £18.
-Phone bill - how are you spending £31 per month? If you're outside of a contract, switch to Lebara for around £5 per month. If you're not outside of contract, wait till it ends then switch and don't buy a new phone for at least 3 years.
-Ditch readly - read the guardian, bbc and sky news for free. Lots of online puzzle sites for free as well.

There should be more you can save on groceries, eating/drinking out.
All beauty treatments should stop, you can't afford them.

I would add to the above: once you've stopped paying off your debts, you will have actual money again to budget with. Right now, those debts are your biggest outgoings.

Somewhere between your two extremes there is a sustainable budget. You need to work out what that is.

I noted that you said you had paid your mum back each time she bailed you out. So effectively she has set you up to overspend and then asked for the money. That doesn't work for you.