Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

To be mortgage free in your early 40s is quite some achievement in itself, when you add in your good pension provision and £61k in the bank, I'd say you're in a very comfortable position.

If he's concerned about it, maybe he should consider a career change so his income and pension potential are closer to yours OP.

You sound in a very good position to me.

If he wants the high life, tell him to go out and earn it.

I think he’s having a midlife crisis. Has he mentioned getting a Porsche yet?

Now I've RTFT I can see actually, it's a relationship issue. I agree with everyone who says tell him to earn more and STFU.

I earn way less and work full time. Some people are lower earners. He shouldn’t be whinging though.

Don’t pay an IFA. As a PP suggested watch Rebel Finance School videos on YouTube ( a free course on finance, aimed at UK people) They clearly explain why BTL is a bad idea and why IFAs also offer poor value. It sounds like your DH is worried but not informed about when he would be financially ‘safe’. There are downloadable spreadsheets with the finance course. Simple to fill out. Do this together as a couple for complete transparency.

Has he got comfortable with the restrictions so that you could pay off your mortgage? I think if you don't resolve this you could honestly have millions in savings and he would prefer you to live impoverished lives. Your heading for a very sad retirement despite working hard to deserve a comfortable one.

It's is often a man thing and when widowed, woman put their glad rags on.

I think that your earnings difference is part of this and he is trying to evoke the "man of the house" mentality.

Your husband clearly doesn’t know he’s born.

I would tell him he can get a part time job then or a better paying one. I'd also contribute more to my pension so there's less in the joint account and get my own account. You both go 50 50 now.

Seeing as how he thinks it's so shit he can then sort it out from there.

Two separate issues here I think.
One: What is worrying him? Because you don't have money problems. Does he feel that even if he cannot provide cash from his salary he can produce an idea, the BTL and manage it. He will then feel more equal.

Two: Money management. Our last tenant left last week. We did have 5 houses, gradually let them go. It is now too difficult to take on as 'amateurs' . The regulations have increased and are now complicated and confusing, even Letting Agents make mistakes. (ask Rachel).
Buying and setting up a a BTL will take a big chunk out of the £60K
What plans do you have for the £60k you have in the bank?

What does NS&I pay at moment?
£10k into kids ISA now would be a start. You might top up before end of tax year.

I think this thread is in poor taste when you consider how many families are really struggling financially, and most young people haven't got a hope of getting on the housing ladder.

You are well off, and you know it. No mortgage, well above average income, good pensions, large savings, yet you post saying you're questioning everything. Surely your response to your whining husband is to laugh in his face and tell him to count his blessings. Perhaps he needs to start volunteering at your local homeless shelter.

We're finally in a comfortable position financially and I count my blessings every day. I have zero time for "my diamond shoes are too tight" whingers.

You are both right and both wrong. We were in an almost identical position at that age and my own thoughts flipped between the two viewpoints. On the one hand you are better off than many and in a good position re the house. On the other you are low on savings/pension, which is where you need focus now. Could you have made better decisions and be in a better position in hindsight? Sure. That’s life. No point dwelling in it.
Ultimately it’s a matter of perspective. Are you a half glass full or half glass empty person?

I find this insulting tbh. My husband and I both work and are older than you (45 and 49) and have been privately renting for over a decade as we can't afford to buy. We can't even dream of owning our own home.
£61k is well over what we earn in one bloody year!!!!

Honestly, it sounds like he is looking for a problem. This is more about him. He may be depressed, feeling "emasculated" (through no fault of yours!). Try to get to the bottom of it. Maybe by starting a conversation with "you are absolutely right, we could have been in a better position, we are where we are and it is a solid one. So with that in mind, what is missing in our lives that you feel we need...."

I hope that doesn't sound patronising, it just seems non-sensical that he is unhappy with what you have and is "wanting" more.....or worse!

Current bank balance with 5 kids 0.00 lol you guys are doing great he should be greatful but I do get the whole wanting more

SHIT???? Is he okay 😬 mortgage free, £61k in bank, massive house.... Is shit?????

I hope he doesn’t go on like this in front of others who may be (and probably are) in a far worse position! He’s batshit, and you know this. FFS mortgage free with money in the bank at your ages? What fuckin planet is he on. Clearly he’s the weak link here given he earns much less - if he wants more, he should be off his arse doing more qualifications, and job hunting!

I wouldn't touch BTL with a barge pole. Stocks and shares ISA or/and premium bonds are my choice, any gains are tax free and no tenants etc to deal with.

How dare he complain. As a family you are in a superb position financially.

The next time he makes the slightest comment about debit card spending I would completely and utterly lose my shit. And tell him to get a better paid job if he’s so bothered about more money.

So as a family with broadly similar income
(husband on £45k and I’m on £65k) also in our early 40s in a house worth a similar amount we have £260k outstanding on mortgage, around £100k in savings mainly stocks & shares. He puts 10% into a pension and I have a final salary one that is actually non contributory (basically gold dust I know). We’ve been on holiday abroad most years, sometimes 2-3 times, we go to the theatre regularly, go out lots, have weekends away, kids do multiple clubs. My personal philosophy is life is for living and you don’t know you’ll be alive or in good enough health to enjoy it all tomorrow (informed by some very sad things happening with family/friends - possibly illogical but luckily my husband agrees and we try and strike a bit of a balance with savings)

You’ve now paid off your whole mortgage and you have significant savings. How much more do you (& does he) want to add to that at the expense of things you want to do now. Is there a specific aim in mind like early retirement or buying the kids a house? There is nothing wrong with overpaying a mortgage and cutting back to allow it. Absolutely can be a very sensible decision that gives you loads more flexibility later in life. Equally absolutely nothing wrong with wanting experiences now more than additional security later. If you don’t agree with him then there should be a discussion and a compromise.

If you earn £64k, have paid off your mortgage and have healthy savings Im finding it difficult to understand why you may need reassurance from strangers. Did your financial achievements happen by osmosis or do you have dyscalculia?

He's the one stressed, he's the one contributing less. So what does he propose to do about it? Seems like a him problem.

There's a whole raft of shite BLT ads on Facebook now - but one I saw countering the nonsense was "go look at these people on companies house and see that when they claim to have made millions they haven't."

BTL is dead with the amount of nonsense in the Renters Bill.

Get him to write a business plan next time he mentions it - so you can discuss it like adults. Yields of 8% used to be accepted as low - and now I accidentally watched that god awful Homes Under the Hammer - landlords are settling for 4% yield. It's madness.

You run the risk of a non paying tenant who trashes the house - or even one who struggles to pay the rent and gets behind regular - it'll frazzle you emotionally and risks your financial stability.

You could counter it with the comments about he should earn more if he's worried about spending, or perhaps suggest you could manage if you worked less to equalise your income with his.

Honestly, reading what you've said OP I don't think this is about miserliness, or about control. The fixation is about things that have not happened in the past - financial decisions that you (jointly) did not take. It's about regret.

Many men in their early forties experience regret about a lot of things in their lives so far. They are no longer young men and are starting to realise that dreams they might once have had, even if they were only ever pipe dreams, are realistically beyond their reach. His life experience tells him that a BTL is the easiest way of getting rich, and he feels he has missed the boat.

The pair of you cannot change the past, and if you want to jointly reaffirm your relationship and the role of wealth in it then you can only do this by looking forward.

Work out what you think you want together. You've touched on pensions, and financial security for the DCs. Are school fees going to be a thing? Put numbers on these things to describe what they look like. Once you know what your objectives are, only then can you sit down and work out what kind of investments you are going to make to achieve them. You will find this far healthier and more productive than 'a BTL' as the be-all and end-all.

I've been very lucky, and only had one nightmare, but it seems to be heading in the direction of your experience.

I think it's more to do with financially aware people understanding just how much capital is required to provide a safe retirement income. Tens of millions of British people are completely insulated from that problem due to final salary pensions or a life on benefits that will continue in their 'retirement' from doing nothing.

With a balanced portfolio a safe amount to take in retirement is only 2.3% per annum, based upon a forty year retirement. You might not live that long, but you can't risk running out of money aged 90.

If you had £1 million invested, that would be £23k a year. Even with the State Pension of £12k, that would only be £35k.

Once you understand the numbers, it can be difficult to be relaxed about money unless you're on course to hit your targets. If you are on course, the goal posts probably start to move a bit - e.g. you aim for a £2 million pot and a £46k income or a £4 million pot for an income of £92k.

How much is 'enough'? For me it's probably around £2 million + mortgage free.

https://www.2020financial.co.uk/pension-drawdown-calculator