Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

Your husband is a crank. You are doing really well financially. It could be worse....

We live in rented accommodation.
We can't afford to buy.
We have very little left after rent, bills and food shop.
We can't afford the music lessons the kids want or the clubs they want to go to.
We save around £50 a month.
1 holiday to butlins this year

We are lucky and grateful
We have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies and we don't have to worry about bailiffs.

It could always be worse. Your H needs to look at what you do have instead of what you don't.

He sounds like he secretly resents you for earning more than him, and so this is his way of making you feel inadequate @Tungtungtungsahur to keep needling away at you re finances.

He generally sounds like he enjoys sucking the joy out of you, he doesn't want to see you enjoying spending money on yourself and your children that you can afford easily.

What a prince amongst men 😁 I couldn’t be living with someone who felt they could constantly criticise me - even if he was earning a million pounds a year he wouldn’t have the right to do that.

You’re doing really well financially and you have clearly been living very frugally on your wages to get to this point - what is it for going forward? What do you want your life to look like?

In your 40's, mortgage free on a 4 bed detached with £60k in the bank? You're obviously doing very well indeed. He needs to work on his issues with money. Is he jealous that you make more than him?

Absolutely no one I know in their 40s is mortgage free - most of us have ones that run into our late 60s!

He's got a bee in his bonnet because you earn more.......he's never going to be happy.

There's also absolutely nothing stopping you from taking your kids away alone. Stop giving him the power, he wouldn't be in this fortunate situation without you. Hell he probably wouldn't own one property, let alone a buy to let on top. Cheeky fucker !

The only possible negative about seeing an IFA is that they obviously will have lots of clients who do have much higher net worths than yours, and it sounds like if DH hears anything in this vein (i.e. he asks about investing in property and IFA makes a throwaway remark like "well I do have other clients who do xyz but in your position I wouldn't advise....) he will just take that as further "evidence" that you aren't in a good financial position - when of course you are.

I would be tempted to either have a quick retort ready like "well we can't go back in time. What are you going to do about it now?" Placing the onus on him to work it out -and not just "let's not spend any money."

Or rather than waiting for him to pipe up again, it coming at the wrong time and you reacting badly (because seriously kudos to you, I wouldn't have bit my lip about the easiest way for your household to have made more money would have been for him to increase his earnings, after the first time) is to sit down and have the conversation with him first. Maybe come armed with facts and stats showing this gs like average household income, average age of mortgage repayments, how many households are renting/mortgage/mortgage free, average amount of savings in the UK, etc, to show that you are in fact doing much better, comparatively than he thinks.

And again saying "I don't want to hear anymore general moaning. It's upsetting to me to hear that despite being the main wage earner and (presumably) taking a hit with maternity, you are so critical of our financial situation. If you have a plausible idea of making more money (not spending less) by all means I'd love to hear it, but if not let's not discuss it further."

But tbh sounds like you might have some bigger problems. Living with a "glass half empty" person who is resentful because he only compares himself to those who have more, rather than feeling appreciative compared to those who have less, must be exhausting.

For some people it's never enough OP. Partner in much better position than most of society yet its not enough. Idk what he's chasing and tbh I leave him to it. Issue is you're married so it could become your problem. Protect yourself op for any dumb financial decisions.

Tell him to get a payrise then. He needs to get some perspective, that's insane you are mortgage free in your 40s. He sounds like he might be depressed, or deluded!! We have a massive mortgage and no savings - who cares, life is for having fun, you could die tomorrow. No idea how you can stay married to someone like that.

The short answer is that it isn't financially viable for small landlords like me.

The long answer is that I didn't ever set out to be a landlord, but by a quirk it made better sense to keep my first house and use the equity to buy the second. I'm not complaining, as all things considered, I haven't done badly.

However, I now find myself in a position where the incoming changes for 2030 will require work that I can't afford, and likely won't get planning permission for. I won't be able to evict any resident tenants to undertake the work even if I could find a way to fund it. Removal of mortgage interest relief, soaring costs of maintenance means that I barely break even across a year. And the drop in market prices since the Trussterfuck means that I can't afford to sell, as by the time I've paid capital gains and mortgage, I would end up losing money.

I realise that this is a peculiar set of circumstances, and that I haven't planned efficiently, however, I didn't set out to do this. Illness, and changes of circumstances have also impacted what was once a nice pension pot.

I am expecting a huge amount of small landlords to sell up in the next few years. Either to investment companies or individuals. That will reduce the amount of rental properties available and push rental prices up further.

Just book a holiday for you and the kids. he can stay home and count his pennies....

I think you’re in a really good position. I suspect he is saying this to deflate you a bit (your higher salary would have been key to overpayments) and make him feel better - it’s a form of control in a way

This nails it.

He sounds like an idiot.

I haven't read all the thread but just in case not already suggested regarding children. Not advice - just something to consider. Subject to continuing pension rules.

Pay £2880 (net) into a SIPP per DC, Government adds £780 to get £3600 gross). Invest into a cheap FTSE All World ETF. Repeat for 10 years. There is a really good possibility that that could be sufficient for an ample retirement another 40 years later. Pension compound magic happens if started very early.

(Obviously you'd track every year and make additional contributions as sensible)

@Tungtungtungsahur bung more in pension, presumably it’s salary sacrifice which is tax-efficient then reduce what you put into the joint account. We put in half the expenses (bills, maintenance etc). Spend your money on yourself from your account, then he won’t be seeing notifications. Ordinarily I’d say too up the joint due to you earning more, but if the house is paid for then it’s not like you need to. i’d say as you have concerns re the relationship that this would be sensible anyway. And I’m guessing you have the savings in an ISA or something? Consider doing so if it isn’t (split it in half maybe, an ISA each).

Why does he only earn 37k? @Tungtungtungsahur

Having been a landlord and worked full-time, it just wasnt worth it for my stress levels.

Everyone was vetted and checked by our agents, but oh my goodness some people just dont care about your rental property and do not expect the deposit back.

Don’t fall for the fallacy of sunk costs.

You are 41, do you want to spend the next 40 years like this?

Divorce isn’t the only option but the other options all require DH to make some changes so its rather up to him. But it needs addressing sooner rather than later or you will find that another ten years have passed in the “busyness” of work and family life and you are still in the same unhappy marriage.

You are better off than me and my partner. Each tube he brings it up say ‘well I bring the bill of the money to the table, you should try and earn more!’ Every time. He’ll stop. If he questions spending on the joint account I’d say ‘it’s my money too! Have I overspent?’ This is why we only have a joint account for bills and spending money separately for us both. My friend has her money paid into her husbands account and he questions her about any spending. She doesn’t even know what the balance of the account t is as it’s his account, not joint!

Divorce may be what he is worried about - more savings from your wages make a bigger payoff for him

I haven't RTFT but I think you need to sit down and talk. You're in a great position financially but if there's a disconnect between you you need to resolve it. IIWY I'd agree the plan for the next few years, including holidays etc and make sure you both compromise if needed. Well done for being in this position, I think you should be proud to be where you are.

This! Does he work full time? For someone who is so obsessed with being in a good financial position, he really isn’t earning very much.

The rental market is fucked with small landlords unable to take the long term picture on profit and big organisations too focused on short term gain with the result that there is a lot of substandard housing in the uk for which people are paying hugely inflated values meaning that nominally well off people struggle day to day - whilst those who own outright see the benefit of their wages
if the big sell off occurs id like to see councils funded to buy them ( in some cases buy back )

I currently clear £2k per year on my BTL every year once tax etc is considered!!! It really isn’t the pot of gold he thinks it is

In a nutshell. Does he have any redeeming qualities? He sounds like an utterly miserable fucker. Sorry OP.