Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

I agree with the PP who said he is a miser. He will never be happy. No magic amount of money or assets will make him happy. This is who he is. I feel sorry for you having to put up with this negativity when you are clearly working hard and making a good life for you and your family.

It makes me want to giggle that people like him think they're badly off and aren't happy.

I'm a disabled solo parent (due to DV) with a traumatised child. I pay 115 a week so they can go to therapy to try to undo some of the lifelong damage their sperm donor did to them. I'm in my overdraft. Dog just got hit by a car while in someone else's care as my house had a gas leak on a Sunday and I had to evacuate it. Thankfully, I have insurance for her. So far she's had £5.6K worth of veterinary treatment, but it looks as if she will need her leg amputating. I am awaiting neurology and rheumatology appointments for me (been waiting since March for neuro) due to damage from the extreme violence I experienced (abuser in prison) and I've been waiting 3.5 years for therapy for me so far... but....

I'm happy! I feel blessed. I have a rented home to live in that is as safe as possible, which I have been able to decorate how I want it. I have lovely neighbours and have developed new, supportive mum friends. I can open the curtains, blinds and windows when I want. I have access to a phone and keys to my property so I can communicate with who I want, when I want and I can leave and enter when I want. I'm no longer imprisoned - I'm free... Life is good. When you've been to hell, just the basic necessities of life make you happy and feel immense joy. I feel sorry for people lile your husband, who spend their life never feeling as if anything is good enough.

I mean you could probably do a BTL with the 61k or some of it.
I think you’re doing completely fine; better than fine tbh! Not ultra rich but you’re also not struggling. He has a high bar…!

You are not rich but you are pretty comfortable. Assume the 61k is mainly in ISAs, if not why not? I might switch 3k each into ISAs for the children to get a start on their saving for uni or learning to drive/ rental deposit.

Your children are only young once, they deserve some nice holiday memories.

Living your life being this preoccupied with money sounds miserable to me. You can’t take it with you. Enjoy what you have and be grateful and ask your husband what the point of having more money would be if he won’t even take his kids overseas when you have £61k savings, and enjoy his success?

You lost me at "mortgage free".

Or take in a lodger.

You'd never see them in a house that big.

I'd encourage him to look into a higher paying career, unless he's the primary carer and only working part time?

I don't know how you've kept it so civil to be honest, I'd have flipped by now and told him to stop being so bloody ungrateful and entitled.

You're in a superb financial situation, probably in the top 1-2% of people.

There are scales online where you can see where you sit against most other people in terms of earnings and savings and I can guarantee you'd be very high up.

OP you've done amazing and are in a really strong position with no mortgage, there are very few people who have what you do at your age. He really does need to give his head a wobble. If I were you I'd be booking a nice holiday for your kids in your position, its fair to plan for the future but not completely ruin the happiness of your present, you have enough disposable income to go on holidays and make some nice memories for your kids.

There is a happy medium here. I really think he needs to see a therapist regarding his anxieties and maybe some couples therapy. Do not let him drag you down, you are so fortunate, 6 figure joint earnings and no mortgage should mean you can bloody live a little.

I would love to be in your position we are the same age, 1 child, £400k equity but with a £250k mortgage and some savings but £70k joint income. Yet we manage to go on holiday at least once a year and have some treats. I couldn't live with the constant frugility, you deserve to have some reward for your achievements so far OP. Xx

What do you mean ' only ' £37k ? honestly the lives some Mumsnetters must lead!

Anyway, let Scrooge McDuck count his pennies, and take your kids on a nice big holiday with that huge amount ( and it is by most peoples standards) of savings in the bank.

You've already sacrificed so many experiences due to penny pinching and greed, so get some memories in the bank whilst you can.

I think he’s being ridiculous. We are on about £60k combined and have a mortgage free rural ish 3 bed worth around £350k. Mid 40s, two dc aged 13 and 22. About £4k in savings and some credit card debt that we shift around to good deals - about £6k. No huge pensions or huge saving pots. I’m disabled and on long term / ongoing pip. We think we have a really good life! We go on a very nice holiday each year abroad and one UK a holiday, have days out, meals out etc etc. You only have to look around to see how much people are struggling right now, Mumsnet isn’t representative of real life, a lot of people here are very high earners. Your dh needs to relax. Book a holiday ffs! Your dc are only little once, give them some nice holidays and enjoy them whilst they’re little.

How does he know he'll be around in a couple of weeks,years,months.He won't be able to get any benefit from being so tight if the inevitable happens.He needs to lighten up enjoy what he has,a young family who memories cannot be made with if he's not there.Money cannot buy your happiness

I wonder if the husband grew up in a family with a lot of insecurity about money?

I did and even though DP and I are comfortable I still have to remind myself constantly that it's OK to buy the nicer branded bread instead of the supermarket's own.

I always try to buy from car boots or charity shops although at least I can justify that on environmental grounds.

I agree you’re in a good financial position - but not sure you’ve made a good choice of husband!

As well as negative, he sounds childish and entitled. Is he expecting you to take care of him financially and then blaming you that he’s not (even) better-off? He needs to realise he’s an adult and jointly responsible for your financial position.

The reality is he’s in an extremely privileged financial position solely because of your earning power and savvy decisions. He needs to channel all the energy he is wasting in whining into advancing his career.

Do you think it is entitlement or resentment (of your success) that is causing him to act this way? Either way, he’s emotional immature and I’d be having a frank discussion with him about how unattractive it is and that it needs to stop. It wont be doing him any favours in the workplace either.

You are probably not in as much shit as others, but there is something better than that happening. It's your husband, though he seems negative and it's probably draining you emotionally sometimes, he is not complacent and wants to be in a better position, that's so many 100 times better than being married to a guy who doesn't have a fucking clue and doesn't want to do anything about it. So you are not just better off financially, but you have a good husband

Do you know what, go on experian/ clearscore or something and run a cheeky credit check to see if there's something he's hiding. Because you're mortgage free in the your early 40s with 60k in the bank. His wife is earning more than him, he is sitting pretty and even if he was to lose his job. The worry of debt or mortgage payments on top of house hold bills in theory doesn't exist. So why does he keep mentioning it??

OP, he sounds utterly miserable and extremely controlling.
Yes you are indeed blessed, not least with two healthy children in that mix.

I couldn't live my life with that.
Do you really want to share your future with such negativity.

I would suggest non negotiable counselling or look at how separation might look like.

Approach it calmly to him.
He's clearly not happy and you have reflected that may be a split is best all round.

Your children will be soaking up that negativity.

His monitoring your spending when he earns half what you do is controlling and boardering on financial abuse.

Nip this in the bud now.

2.3% is a very low safe withdrawal rate, especially as you get to higher numbers where there is flexibility to reduce withdrawal in a bad year. On that calculator your 2.3% gives a zero% probability of running out of money and an average pension pot at death of £17m! (Based on an initial £1m pot). That’s a ridiculously low risk tolerance. Around 4% would be more typical, balancing the downside risk with a low baseline guaranteed income from an annuity, DB pension, or structured sovereign bond portfolio.

OP, he’s being very silly and, more worryingly, restrictive and controlling about how you enjoy your life today while blaming you. I hope you can get to a happier place and please remember that while divorce may be financially painful the sooner you do it the sooner you can start rebuilding your finances and enjoying your children’s childhood.

You are in an amazing position, I would have a few holidays rather than worry about saving for the children , as we only live once , I mean one holiday a year for the next few years so that the children are making memories and you can all relax.

I'd honestly suggest he has counselling. His moaning is bordering g on abusive, plus he earns half of what you do. Tell him to get a job in the evenings before he comes at you.

Jesus Christ!! To be in this position is most people’s dream! He needs a reality check.

Have you heard of the Rebel Finance School? It does sound to me as if it might be something you could do together which might help hubby to feel happier. A lot less spendy than an IFA! (It is free and the people who run it have won all sorts of awards for making it available).

You’re in a bloody amazing position!! He’s crazy.

I wish I’d been in that position in my early 40s. When I was 43 I still had 20 years of mortgage ahead of me and bugger all in the bank.

I think he has a real chip on his shoulder and is either trying to bait you into an argument so he can throw it in your face (“see, I knew you thought less of me for earning less”) or he is mentioning money to reassurance seek, hoping his lower earnings come up in conversation and you reassure him that it’s ok, he’s doing well and you don’t mind

100% something psychological going on here

Oooh or some kind of cognitive dissonance- he feels money is a problem but he’s trying to convince himself it’s YoU that’s the problem not him