Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

@SkippyKangeroo 37k for a man in his early 40s isn’t enough for what he wants ! If he wants to be in a better financial position he needs to be earning 70k plus (more in London & the South East). He doesn’t earn enough for the financial security he wants.

Okay, I know this isn’t the point of your post AT ALL, but what the actual hell are you putting up with this complete misery of a man for?!

This can’t be about the money - you’re in a really good financial position - is it about control? He sounds like an utter fun sponge and I know how emotionally draining it can be having to endure that attitude and try to jolly them along for the sake of DC, as ex-husband was also slightly Dementor-like, at times.

DC haven’t been on holiday abroad, but you have over 60k in savings, have I got that right? It’s not about spending huge amounts on holidays, it’s about having exciting adventures together as a family and broadening the DCs horizons about the world beyond our shores.

It sounds fairly miserable as a whole, from your update. Life is short. DC are young for a very short length of time. If things don’t change, can you imagine your life with DH once the DC have left home, growing old together, making the most of retirement? If the idea of the future fills you with dread, something has to change.

You earn more than him. Even if you walked away with 50% of the savings and value of the house, you wouldn’t exactly be destitute. Just saying.

…… ssoooooo … what are you waiting for !? You appear to have a firm grasp of reality and a healthy appreciation of all that you and DH have built together. Looks like you’ve been doing the heavy lifting though, whilst your Scrooge-like Walter Mitty of a husband has been daydreaming. FGS - give him the WAKE UP call that he badly needs. And start spending on yourself and the kids - a kick in the Monzo will do the trick. Starting NOW.

It's possible he's 'number blind'. But also, it seems that you've not sat down and assessed individual and joint finances as is and with a view to the future.

The thing to do is to meet with at least 3 diverse financial advisors on the first free meeting. An expert advising will be invaluable.

I am number blind. £1000 Vs £100,000 doesn't register and I worry....

LOL

If you think your marriage is on the rocks better to separate sooner rather than later. You are the higher earner and have a bigger pension. Better to take the financial hit now while you are young enough to recover.

Does he have better job prospects?

Agree completely with your BTL investment assessment. That party is long over. You are far better off in stocks and shares.

He sounds as if he has got a bit of a problem with money anxiety. Maybe its because he's on a significantly lower wage than you and he is worried about the future if you split up.

This man is being driven by something other than your financial situation. Something from the past that is now needing attention about his self esteem or something like that. Shame, habit, feeling less than, control. None of it is anything that you are doing wrong - DO NOT think that.
He needs to examine his way of living and what it means to live fully. Good luck. He can afford a counsellor, definitely. And don't you pay.

Good god we struggled financially most of our lives are now in our 70's & having to still work. Thank goodness we have no mortgage now. Paid off our debts & have savings but it has taken most of our lives to be on this position. You are both extremely lucky.

My husband also has negative tendencies ( understatement) that resulted in us not going on holidays that were more than 3 hours flight away, not doing things, me having to listen to him moaning about every single job he's had for 20 years etc. I am also the higher earner, and have a better pension (due to me making better decisions while younger) It is so draining. Now I cant be bothered. My last 2 holidays have been long haul, just me and the kids. Its cheaper and I don't have to put the dog in kennels! He's been moaning about getting on planes for so long I just say 'Well I thought you didn't like to travel more than 3 hours?'
If I had £61K in savings I think I would put it into stocks and shares ISA's for the kids (don't know if you can do this- I'm looking to open up a LISA for DC's when they get to 18) and definitely put money in investments. Problem with pensions is if your marriage is rocky and you put more money into it he'll get half.

For some people, there is never enough. Sad but true.
I felt elated when my overdraft was paid off and I am significantly older than you.
All about perspective

I'm sorry but he is being ridiculous and can't believe you have and to post this question..

Tbh I get what he’s saying a bit. To be living mortgage free in a 550k house early 40s but only have 61k is a bit like fur coat no knickers. Or perhaps knickers, no fur coat is more fitting.

I see this happening to us although we are 10 years off that. So I am actually looking at releasing equity from the house to rebalance and get a few years maxed ISAs under our belt.

If your DP is that upset about it you could chat about doing something similar. Having a small % mortgage to start a lump sum in stock global tracker and get some compound action going. You need a plan to stick to. An aim goal for him to be happy. I don’t think he’s necessarily being unreasonable. I don’t like the idea of that balance either.

@Tungtungtungsahur Ignore him, you are in a great position, now it’s time to enjoy the freedom of being mortgage free.

Well done! And if he’s that bothered he can go out and earn more Xx

I preface this I have read through the thread and Im aware it’s in money matters.
I am utterly shocked that your husband who is coasting nicely on your wages dares start moaning about anything. Without your wages he would be fucked.

I have a bizarre financial situation, I want to share with you, I hope you don’t mind. We moved into a house with a decent deposit and as the market has gone up we’ve equity to by a house outright that would be in a shitty area and it’s something we may have to do. When we bought our lovely house we had a few unfortunate events such as my job being lost over Covid and then the discovery that my baby has really quite severe learning disabilities, autism/adhd and a few other issues that prevent me from returning to work. So our plans to over pay mortgage and sensible decisions never really happened. We instead had to do a debt management program for debt we got into after I lost my job and a snowball of other shite transpired, I won’t bore you but another year and I’ve cleared my debt but still won’t be returning to work. My son doesn't sleep, he is violent, he needs nightly bed changes if he wets through his bed, sometimes I need to just hold and rock him through his anxiety. I get 82 weekly to be his carer. With universal credit, DLA, carers allowance and my partners full time wages we have about 35k a year with 100,000 left on our mortgage. We don’t want to leave our home, mostly because our neighbours are absolutely wonderful, my disabled son can scream, shout and I can imagine living next door to us is dreadful. Yet they treat us with such kindness, always including my son on the holidays by doing lovely things like buying him sensory toys etc and are so understanding when I apologise for loud incidents. We really should move elsewhere (partly so they get a break!) but mostly for our finances. But this aside we are still in a much more comfortable position than friends who are renting privately, who work 48 hours a week and are on dreadful wages which are heavily taxed regardless. We worry so much that our “benefits” will be reduced because the cost of everything is insane. I use Vinted/marketplace etc for bedding a few times a month because my DC shreds his bedding, bites through T-shirts, being incontinent pants need replacing constantly. He breaks beds, sofas, washing machines and radiators and we have to replace so many things. But with that small amount of equity in our property (about 160k) gives us so much more hope than my friends who have crappy landlords and are paying in excess of 1000 for a 3 bed semi. We obviously would prefer the original plan of me working again and clearing our mortgage early but it’s not the end of the world.
We give our DC what we can and they’re happy, Im pretty frugal but it doesn’t affect them, we have a nice home life etc and despite not being in a position like yours, we are grateful.

I think in your position which is incredible at your ages and especially comparative to most, of course take advice from those who will give you excellent advice on getting some investments etc, whatever you feel comfortable doing with your money, but please don’t let your miser husband stop you and your children enjoy your lives. Whilst I can say hand on heart saving is very important to me and I wish my situation would give me that opportunity, living life is also important. Tomorrow isn't promised and that’s not me saying “go wild and live like a rockstar until you’re broke”, I am saying, enjoy what you have clearly worked so hard for.

You are both in a great financial situation.

Sounds more like a midlife crisis on your DH’s part, his ego is not massaged enough and he is not happy with his sex life?

I was so moved by this @Brassknucks ... you sound like a lovely mum, no wonder your neighbours like you, you sound great and I'm sure your DS is lovely. It must be very hard but how amazing for him that he is so loved.

OP Your husband is being a bellend

My DH is the same about money and also a very negative person in general. The way he’s always described our circumstances would have you believe we are destitute. You have my sympathies it’s very draining and brings you down.
No suggestions really but I gave up trying to help him see the positives a long time ago and don’t entertain listening to the whole “we are broke” narrative. it also helps that we keep separate finances now so I don’t feel obligated to explain my spending outside of shared bills.

This is absolutely insane. You are in a great financial position though at a huge cost - crazy you're not having lovely regular holidays and ENJOYING the kids childhoods with them in a way you can. You could be having so much fun, so much more joy in your lives - having brilliant experiences, making memories. And also making life easier - a cleaner, getting the kitchen done etc.

He sounds miserly and the negativity alone would drive me mad, let alone without decent holidays and a nice lifestyle to sweeten his shitty attitude!

I agree with everyone else who says you are in a great position for your age/stage of life.

I felt we were doing better than many to have paid off our mortgage around the time our eldest started uni. And it was smaller.

Does your do have the potential to earn more? As that is the obvious solution if he is disgruntled.

It's hard to say if a BTL is a good investment - depends on how properly prices are going in your area - and obviously you need to have the bandwidth to take on the work involved. With hindsight, if we had been able to hold onto our first house it would be worth around 5 times what we paid for it now and would have been a good investment for our retirement (and could downsize back in to it) but not sure we could have afforded the current house without the equity from the first.

OP this sounds like a him problem rather than a financial issue or a you failing. As such you can never fix it. Situational issues or behavioural difficulties you can generally fix by changing the situation or your behaviour. But where it's an issue related to how he sees himself and the world - generally related to his past and often his childhood - what you do/say or how much money you have will never be enough. It's like pouring into a leaky bucket: it temporarily resolves the issue but it will always drain away again.

I'm not saying leave him but I am saying stop fixing/appeasing him. Say to him you and the children are having a meal/weekend away/holiday. You'd like him to come as long as he is gracious about it, i.e. doesn't look miserable/complain about the cost etc. He's not you're boss or God: he gets A say but not THE say.

Life is short and you won't regret only having £200k in the bank one day rather £250k but you will regret those missed holidays and treats.

I personally don’t think scrimping and saving to pay off a mortgage is a good financial decision when you earn 100k between the both of you. You’ve saved 61k + equity, yes, but in the past 10 years you really haven’t lived the kind of life someone on your income should.

On a similar household income years ago we prioritised investments (both in stocks and shares and ourselves) and had regular holidays, treats & just kept paying our existing mortgage. Now we’re in a position where we have a net worth of 1m+ not including our pensions and house equity and we’ve built some solid memories and bonded along the way.

I suspect that is what he means when he says you’re not in a good situation. I’d be a bit angry too getting to my 40s with only 2 holidays in 10 years and driving a banger while also feeling I don’t have control over the financial situation because I earn less. You need to talk to him & try and reach a compromise about how you move forward financially.

BTL is probably not a great idea at the moment but there are other ways you can generate an income. Eg it’s possible for your 61k to net you a 10-20% yield per year if you invest in reputable dividend generating shares. Yes you pay tax on this but I usually offset that by paying more into my pension.

He's mad! You are in a good position. We would all be slightly better off if we had known 10 years ago what would happen to property prices, inflation, interest rates, the stock market but that's not how time works....

He think it is shit because his wife out-earn him or ? How is the marriage as a whole....

Only on Mumsnet would someone refer to £61k in savings as “only” £61k 😳🙄 Different world syndrome!!