When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

[RachelBee]

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

Honestly I would call his bluff on this one and if he did quit his job start the divorce proceedings - he’s not going to fight for 50/50 custody if he’s threatening to resign over looking after his own children.

Ouch OP that sounds bad. I'm your DH in this situation, as the high (and sometimes only) earner. The very first thing I wanted to do was open an ISA for my DH, it's such an obvious investment choice. Maybe your DH is not very bright when it comes to financial planning, but his attitude towards you is grim.

The first thing I would do would be to calculate how much you should be paid to do his accounts (and what you are 'owed' back pay), or stop doing them.

Firstly you need to be paid the going rate for doing his accounts why are you not paid for this?Tell him either he pays you or he employs someone.The journey to school is a problem which has a few years to run until the youngest leaves.I would move house so the children can go to school by themselves.They would probably love the freedom.Or and a big or divorse him he sounds horrible.Good luck take back control.

I haven't RTFT but I would find out how much he would have had to pay someone to do his accounts over the years.
Then present him with a bill for all the unpaid work you did for his accounts.
He can hit you with all this crap all he wants but I'd also remind him you'd probably get more if you divorce due to you having to work part time to look after the kids etc.

I haven't RTFT but I would find out how much he would have had to pay someone to do his accounts over the years.
Then present him with a bill for all the unpaid work you did for his accounts.
He can hit you with all this crap all he wants but I'd also remind him you'd probably get more if you divorce due to you having to work part time to look after the kids etc.

Sorry posted twice!

ISAs are per person..not per household. You having the wool pulled over your eyes. You need advice.

I’m outraged on your behalf.
Say nothing.
You don’t need a new job (you have a job), you need a solicitor. Copy all documents. Make plans.
What a horrible little shit of a man.

Bottom line, it's all 50% yours if you divorce and he knows that. First thing I would do is stop doing the accounts 1/2 days a week unless he starts to pay you. if he won't pay, then go and get a paid job elsewhere. I wouldn't bother with a discussion about how things have been for you, he sees it and he doesn't care. You're never going to convince someone like him that he's being unfair. Build your own stronger position. Then divorce, you'll be so much happier in the long run.

And it isn't working out for her!
She needs to maximise her earning potential.
The OP did make reference to going back to her career but stayed that having teens was a stumbling block. All I am saying is that it's possible to work full-time in a career and have kids.

I haven't read the full thread, and I'm sorry to say this, but it looks to me like he's waiting for your children to reach a certain age and then plans to leave you. He is trying to hide his money and assets before that happens. I hope I'm wrong about that, as it feels quite cynical, but I don't see much evidence of love for you from what you have said.

I would visit a lawyer, understand your options and quietly get my ducks in a row. He may have had a headstart but at least you're now on notice.

You need a divorce lawyer. It's the only way you're going to see any of the money. You'll get around half, including half his pension.

Some on these posts on MN I really find truly shocking and I'm afraid this is one of those. OP If I were you I would make an invoice to your husband: "Services rendered for 12 years". (I don't know how many years you were married)

• Child care - X amount of hours
• Accounting- x amount of hours
• Cleaning- x amount of hours
• Household jobs- x amount of hours
• Personal assistant and admin work- x amount of hours
• Compensation for leaving a good paying job in lieu of taking care of you and your children- (think how much you would have earned had you not been a SAHM and subtract the wages from your low paying side gig)

This invoice should be addressed to him and come up to a pretty high amount. You've earned this money with your hard work. In the meantime go and make an appointment with a lawyer. Your husband has used you for free labour for way too long and now he's gaslighting you big time. I believe you're entitled to half of his savings but you need to see and layer and get professional advice. Had you not been married to him he would have needed to pay a lot of money to hired help to make all those savings, he made them thanks to you and your free labour.

Good luck. What a prick.

Divorce him or you will live your life out in poverty.

How many tens, if not hundreds of thousands of pounds have you "saved" the family finances by looking after the children when pre-school (full-time nursery care for three is extortionate), doing the school runs, providing wrap-around care after school and in the holidays, cleaning the house, shopping, cooking, laundry, gardening etc.. instead of out-sourcing it all. If you add all that up over the last 18 years or so, you can off-set it against all that money he reckons is his because "he earned it." YOU DIRECTLY FACILITATED HIM being able to earn it by looking after his children and running his home.

You are married (fortunately, because had you not been you wouldn't be entitled to anything), therefore everything he says is his, is actually half yours (and maybe more in a divorce if you still have children to house). Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it!

My husband and I have always taken the view in our marriage that there are three main "jobs" to be covered - earning money, caring for the kids and running the home. All are vital, regardless of which of us does which of them (and we've boxed and coxed at various points over the last 30 years), and considered equally valuable. When it was I who was part-time or on maternity leave, he didn't get to lord it over me because he put more in the current account at that point because he's not a sexist twat and appreciated that I was enabling him to go out to work.

Oh, and he's talking bollocks about the ISAs. My husband and I both have them and, when our adult kids were at home, so did they so that was four in the same household for a start - recommended and set up by a bona fida financial advisor so all legal there.

OP, you need to get your ducks in a row, as we say here on MN.

If you don't leave at least start invoicing your husband for the 1-2 days each week that you do his accounts. Perhaps knock up an invoice for the last few months today. If he won't pay you then refuse to do it. He can do it himself or pay someone else.

You could also bill him for half the school runs (your time and petrol) but it would be better of he just took these over from you as doing them makes it difficult for you to find full time wotk.

Is he intending to help support your child at uni. Parent support is built into the means tested system and without it most students would struggle to even pay their rent. He sounds beyond tight.

Did you ever actually discuss and agree that you'd not work or did you engineer the situation 'for the kids'? Why didn't you return to full-time work when the kids started school? Why didn't you use a childminder for school pickups?

Is this a situation that's been grating with him for a long time?

Oh, and in addition to @vegetarianlouise 's excellent points, DON'T FORGET PENSIONS!!!
You've lost out on contributing to your own over the years whilst he's presumably been feathering his own nest quite nicely.
Check that out asap!!

@Nestingbirds She can't make him, but she can make him her ex. She needs to get a ft job and go.

I agree @FrogFalacy in some circumstances being a SAHM or working very part time will be the norm and expected in some circles. If your parent and wider family members had a loving marriage and a traditional set up, it would be odd to have a runaway account, ensure you have a plan B and remain independent post children.

My uncles who had SAHM at home
completely shafted them and had affairs and they were financially vulnerable.

The OP works so she shouldn’t be in such a precarious situation.

Nevertheless, her husband imo is planning to leave her once her youngest becomes an adult .

Yes, sorry I forgot to include pension and the national contributions on the invoice.

And if the unpaid carer (aka mum) disappeared, it would cost a fortune. Not only that, but she is sacrificing a career and payments into a pension while she is looking after the family. Not all men, but some men, don't realize that marriage is a partnership where people pay in where and what they can, and they have equal shares in all the benefits of that partnership at the end of the day.

Hi OP - just to say I’m sorry you’re getting some unpleasant, misogyny-flavoured comments about the value of looking after children and the home. It’s really uncalled for!

Whether or not a woman works for money, she doesn’t deserve to be treated badly by her husband - surely we all agree on that?? Calling SAHPs freeloaders and criticising women who want to spend the holidays with their school age children seems needlessly inflammatory and unhelpful.

Different strokes for different filled I guess. I have three teens and I hope that if they choose to have kids, they are there for their children daily rather than going home with a childminder every day or coming home to an empty house.