When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

[RachelBee]

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

Tread carefully though. I'd be worried what a man like this is capable of if he thinks he's about to lose all the gold coins he's been stacking quietly in his secret treasure chest.

Yes, I wouldn't do anything that draws attention, or he may start hiding stuff (if he isn't already). I wouldn't even get into trying to get him to go halves on things (eg childminder or cleaner). Just focus on making you and the children a self-sufficient unit within the household, and build your earning capacity.

@FairKoala My ex suddenly set up his own business and said he was on £26k pa. After the divorce he could afford a house worth 1 million so he clearly has very generous parents(!!!) Which I don't unfortunately- renting privately is incredibly expensive.

For a start from today, ANYTHING at all for the children, you take from the JOINT account.

His reaction must be a real shock, so sorry O.P. and asking how you felt being overdrawn at your age, he sounds like a nasty bully quite frankly.

@Bethany83 The issue with doing that bow is it will be a change in beahviour and if he thinks she is even considering leaving the games will begin! I left with 87p in my account as he'd stripped all joint accounts dry.

My blood is boiling reading your posts!

Ps. You should enjoy telling your husband that you can no longer do his accounts for him and therefore he will have to actually pay a stranger. My God. Good luck O.P. you do not deserve this dis respect.

Yes, that's true... Yes, do what will be best in the long run. Perhaps just take some from the joint account and say to your husband that he's right and she shouldn't be overdrawn at her age and thank him for pointing that out!?!? Play him at his own game! Horrible man.

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who took time to offer advice.

It's been the reality check I needed. There are some gems of advice that I've made notes of and I will be contacting the organisations that have been suggested, calculating the sums and making a plan of what to do over the coming weeks, months and years.

It's confirmed what I have known for sometime. I promise anyone who thought I was ridiculous for getting into this situation that it creeps up on you.

You honestly think you are trying to do the best for everyone, working (whether PT or FT), putting you career on the back burner to support DH work, looking after the kids, looking after elderly/ill parents while taking care of the home admin etc. Before you know it the parents pass away, the kids start leaving and everything looks very different.

I thought there were some great comments about recognising all work within the home - whether paid or unpaid as work. The comments about teenagers not needing 'childcare' I agree in certain respects but I've also found that they've needed a lot of support too and I'm glad I have been able to work around them so they don't come home every night to an empty home. And just to stress different circumstances can make things tricky to juggle.

Again, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented. Some have definitely pushed me from feeling upset to angry/emboldened and wanting to assert my rights. Some made me laugh which was needed. The advice - especially a few of the organisations mentioned - has been invaluable.

Thank you. X

He is a user. He has used you.

Stop letting him use you for free accounting and everything else he is using you for.

You don’t have to give it up totally? Part time options exist to still be around for the children.
life is a lot about luck but also a lot about choices. Not sure what my children will do- they will have to find what makes them happy. But if you know what you want, it is possible to set about achieving that, if that’s staying at home more with your children then that is possible for many women depending on choices made.

For contrast, my dh and I have adult kids but none together as second marriage. He earns it all but we only have one account and he views it as joint money as we are married.

I second the poster suggesting you leave him
and take YOUR half before he starts hiding it. You deserve better.

Wow this is shocking. He is not your partner or your friend!!!!
Honestly I don’t think there’s any coming back from his shitty attitude and lack of investment in your partnership..
Get some legal advice. Best of luck xxx

Friend because of her disability, hadn’t worked for decades.
Before anyone jumps in to say that being disabled doesn’t mean the disabled can’t work. Friends disabilities were compounded by several other factors
The judge awarded her 70%
Her youngest was 18 and off to university

What judges want to see is that each party can put a roof over themselves and has income enough to keep themselves as well as put a roof over dc’s heads and look after them.
If that involves both parties working f/t then that is what is needed to be shown

What you can stop doing is the accounts. Do that immediately and remind him that since it’s not “work”, he can get someone else to do it for free.

@FairKoala Ah I see. I don't have a disability so I can work, even thoigh my kids were only 3 and 6 when I left as I was scared. Could just about do the housing for us although it had to be a private rental and will never be in a position to buy. I'm not saying I'd want his swimming pool or hot tub, but still feel the injustice if that makes sense?

Start invoicing him - childcare, cooking, accounts, everything that makes his life easier, and back date for the age of your oldest child.

Back bill him for the accountancy work at £150 per day.

Also why are you paying for the kids’ holidays and getting overdrawn? He should at least pay proportionately.

I'm glad you’re getting advice.

Good luck OP

i would disagree with some PP - don’t rock the boat ,don’t kick up any fuss 1 just get yourself ready to jump ship

why are you paying for the kids’ holidays and getting overdrawn? He should at least pay proportionately.

Absolutely. They are his children too!

yes yes yes to that. And how to decide/explore how various decisions will impact your future and maybe future (lack of) choices.

Although that might arouse his suspicions. Personally, I'd keep doing it while I get my ducks in a row and seek legal advice etc.

You honestly think you are trying to do the best for everyone, working (whether PT or FT), putting you career on the back burner to support DH work, looking after the kids, looking after elderly/ill parents while taking care of the home admin etc. Before you know it the parents pass away, the kids start leaving and everything looks very different.

this is important. I realised, from my own situation growing up, that a family needs to constantly reassess the needs of the family, and make adjustments. For us (me now as adult with children) it meant working out who did what and when, that occasionally my work (breadwinner) must take priority for me and that DH would need to step up (long biz trips to asia, for eg) at other times DC needed priority (preparing for exams, teenage heartbreak etc) and other times DH would need my support to keep his work (chef, split shifts in a restaurant for some of the years).

When people have the "shall we have a baby" conversation they neglect to remember that they grow and things change.

These men always rewrite history - they do it so convincingly that I wonder if they even believe their own lies! A way to protect their ego and not feel like the bad guy.

Seen it happen to friends/family so many times. They are always fully supportive of the wife working part-time when the kids are young - in fact they actively encourage it because they don’t want any of the hassle of school runs, sick days, school holidays, housework etc.

Then midlife crisis hits, head is turned by younger childfree woman at work……….. and bam suddenly he never wanted her to pause her career, he’s resentful that he’s the big man earning all the money and the wife is a leach. It’s just so predictable.

We all think it will never happen to us and our lovely husbands could never treat us like that, but the reality is that lots of previously lovely and devoted husbands can turn into monsters. All women have to protect ourselves and teach our daughters how to protect ourselves.

Take half the money in the joint account and put it in your own. Rent a house within walking distance or with easier bus travel, then file for divorce. Claim UC until you get a full time job. Claim child support from your husband and for god's sake stop doing his accounts. Then sit back and think of him having to not only work but look after the house.

He is an unmitigated selfish twat.

As PP said take your half out of the joint account and pay off the overdraft.

Stop bloody doing his accounts for him. Why are you doing them for free? Let him do them himself or pay someone else to do them.