Hi there,
I guess this is more of a venting post if that’s allowed, but helpful feedback also welcome. It’s also super long - so a big thanks to anyone who makes it to the end!!
I’ve just found out I’m pregnant after trying for over a year and a previous miscarriage. The delight has quickly faded into panic as we’re now getting real about costs. It’s looking like things are going to be more than tight - probably going to have to get rid of the cat kinda tight. It’s so depressing and is what had led to me being on the fence for ages. Not because I didn’t want kids but because despite both of us working full time with a current take home of just under 5k, it’s still not really doable without major pain and sacrifice. (Before everyone piles in and asks for a full breakdown of costs, I’m not going to do that as I know we already earn more than some and there are things like pet insurance or having 2 cars that can be cut back. The point is that not everyone has to go without to such an extent and that the added stress and insecurity makes everything so much harder. No wonder so many split up within the first few years.)
We felt so lucky to get on the housing ladder after years and years of slow saving (where the housing market kept moving the finish line as deposit amounts needed shot up). We’re now in a 4 bed house (bought for £345k earlier this year) in a moderately priced part of a northern city - the mortgage is currently £1660 a month for 24 years. We needed a 4 bed as my partner had two older children and we knew we wanted our own. We also had to buy in this area so his kids could continue at their current school and within a short distance to their mum. (We have them half the time). We both wfh for some of the week, although that is likely going to have to change as we’ll soon be out of space.
We both come from pretty impoverished backgrounds and it’s that lack of a safety net that scares me. Growing up I lived in over 20 properties - some emergency housing - between the ages of 2 and 16, after which I moved in permanently with a boyfriend to escape the chaos at home.
I’m 38 now and have worked so hard my whole life since 16, going back to school as a mature student in my 20s while still working part time and working through the summer hols while my peers took unpaid graduate placements. There was considerable childhood trauma to overcome.
I know we can’t afford 2 kids (and he’s clear even 1 was almost out of the question), but to consider not having a child due to financial reasons when I’m working just as hard or harder than anyone else seems deeply unfair. I’ve managed to claw my way out of childhood poverty and and am the first and only in my family to have gone to university (UCL! still my biggest achievement!), but it seems no amount of ‘hard work’ can ever make up for a general lack of family wealth.
Unfortunately, circumstances are made worse by there being no maternity top up from my employer and no grandparents living nearby.
I fully realise that my situation is the sum of all my life choices - I could have picked a richer partner or a better paying career for instance, though I’d probably be deeply unhappy as I’ve never managed to feel an affinity with people from wealthier or more stable backgrounds. Similarly, with work, it’s only since I’ve switched from corporate to something more community focused that I feel any sense of satisfaction.
The main kicker is the cost of nursery or childminding fees alongside a hefty mortgage and our usual monthly outgoings. OH says he’ll just have to get a second job and I’m sure we’ll manage to scrape through. But I’m really sick of hearing how well off other people are or how they were helped by parents or an inheritance windfall (all our parents are in social housing/renting). Yes, I’m resentful! Yes, I blame rampant inequality and capitalist greed! It will mean the end of some friendships as it’s not good for my mental health to hear how easy others have it. I’m having a big whiny moment and I know I’ll get over it. But equally I’m sick of pretending like everyone is in the same boat, because we’re not.
So if you’re also out there feeling disillusioned and overwhelmed by our current system - please know you’re not alone. Id also strongly encourage you to get involved with affecting systemic change however you can - whether that’s through community work or politics. I realised after meeting an old friend I’d not seen for a while that power and money corrupts and distances people from the realities of life. She used to seem quite empathetic and open minded, but now works for a big 5 management company and is due to make over £800k once she makes partner. She casually shared that she can’t understand how people become homeless and I literally had to explain how easy it can happen. It really saddened me as I realised so many are protected from knowing just how tough life can be.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening x