Current society not conducive to childrearing (if you don’t have family wealth)

[Tryingmybest2keepsane]

Hi there,

I guess this is more of a venting post if that’s allowed, but helpful feedback also welcome. It’s also super long - so a big thanks to anyone who makes it to the end!!

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant after trying for over a year and a previous miscarriage. The delight has quickly faded into panic as we’re now getting real about costs. It’s looking like things are going to be more than tight - probably going to have to get rid of the cat kinda tight. It’s so depressing and is what had led to me being on the fence for ages. Not because I didn’t want kids but because despite both of us working full time with a current take home of just under 5k, it’s still not really doable without major pain and sacrifice. (Before everyone piles in and asks for a full breakdown of costs, I’m not going to do that as I know we already earn more than some and there are things like pet insurance or having 2 cars that can be cut back. The point is that not everyone has to go without to such an extent and that the added stress and insecurity makes everything so much harder. No wonder so many split up within the first few years.)

We felt so lucky to get on the housing ladder after years and years of slow saving (where the housing market kept moving the finish line as deposit amounts needed shot up). We’re now in a 4 bed house (bought for £345k earlier this year) in a moderately priced part of a northern city - the mortgage is currently £1660 a month for 24 years. We needed a 4 bed as my partner had two older children and we knew we wanted our own. We also had to buy in this area so his kids could continue at their current school and within a short distance to their mum. (We have them half the time). We both wfh for some of the week, although that is likely going to have to change as we’ll soon be out of space.

We both come from pretty impoverished backgrounds and it’s that lack of a safety net that scares me. Growing up I lived in over 20 properties - some emergency housing - between the ages of 2 and 16, after which I moved in permanently with a boyfriend to escape the chaos at home.

I’m 38 now and have worked so hard my whole life since 16, going back to school as a mature student in my 20s while still working part time and working through the summer hols while my peers took unpaid graduate placements. There was considerable childhood trauma to overcome.

I know we can’t afford 2 kids (and he’s clear even 1 was almost out of the question), but to consider not having a child due to financial reasons when I’m working just as hard or harder than anyone else seems deeply unfair. I’ve managed to claw my way out of childhood poverty and and am the first and only in my family to have gone to university (UCL! still my biggest achievement!), but it seems no amount of ‘hard work’ can ever make up for a general lack of family wealth.

Unfortunately, circumstances are made worse by there being no maternity top up from my employer and no grandparents living nearby.

I fully realise that my situation is the sum of all my life choices - I could have picked a richer partner or a better paying career for instance, though I’d probably be deeply unhappy as I’ve never managed to feel an affinity with people from wealthier or more stable backgrounds. Similarly, with work, it’s only since I’ve switched from corporate to something more community focused that I feel any sense of satisfaction.

The main kicker is the cost of nursery or childminding fees alongside a hefty mortgage and our usual monthly outgoings. OH says he’ll just have to get a second job and I’m sure we’ll manage to scrape through. But I’m really sick of hearing how well off other people are or how they were helped by parents or an inheritance windfall (all our parents are in social housing/renting). Yes, I’m resentful! Yes, I blame rampant inequality and capitalist greed! It will mean the end of some friendships as it’s not good for my mental health to hear how easy others have it. I’m having a big whiny moment and I know I’ll get over it. But equally I’m sick of pretending like everyone is in the same boat, because we’re not.

So if you’re also out there feeling disillusioned and overwhelmed by our current system - please know you’re not alone. Id also strongly encourage you to get involved with affecting systemic change however you can - whether that’s through community work or politics. I realised after meeting an old friend I’d not seen for a while that power and money corrupts and distances people from the realities of life. She used to seem quite empathetic and open minded, but now works for a big 5 management company and is due to make over £800k once she makes partner. She casually shared that she can’t understand how people become homeless and I literally had to explain how easy it can happen. It really saddened me as I realised so many are protected from knowing just how tough life can be.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening x

Ancient Greeks travelled abroad for holidays!

Your final paragraph really resonates. We found the early years incredibly tough. Breastfeeding a 12 week old, pumping and then doing the childcare drop off before both doing a days work…. Having to plan and cook as cheaply as possible…. Not having money for extras. But as you say, it also makes you incredibly resilient and less fearful.

Of course it would be lovely to have oodles of dosh and no money worries. It would have been lovely if I could have had even just 6 months mat leave with my baby. But when there’s no choice, you just have to get on with it. We all have to live within the constraints of our personal situation and the era we happen to be born in. Absolutely reasonable to speak out about societal inequality, but the OP is choosing the wrong target by claiming this is a ‘current society’ issue. Try having a baby in the 1960s/ 70s/80s/ 90s (or indeed any time before then) - it wasn’t some golden era

this is such a reductive argument. Shouldnt we try to progress as a society or do you want to go back to feudalism and public beheadings. The ‘be grateful we’ve got free healthcare’ argument is a line the rich feed the plebs to make sure they feel slightly superior to those poor folks in Africa. When really, it’s that too much wealth and power sit with narcissistic, Machiavellian, psychopaths who don’t care a jot that the rest of society is going down the toilet as they’ve got their private nuclear bunkers to hunker down in.

Thanks, appreciate that. Yes very sad that so many are that callous and unaware of the long lasting impact of trauma. Maybe I’ll stick with TikTok - there’s not a lot of solidarity to be found on here. I do think the extra hate is something to do with the stepfamily thing. I find women in particular are either dismissive of my role or automatically assume I’m some kind of family stealing monster. Best of luck to you!

Because apparently it’s far more fun to tear someone apart for making a ‘bad choice’ in partner 9 years ago. I really wish people would consider the systemic issues more and stop blaming one another.

We have two DCs and no family wealth. We live in a fairly cheap area of the country like you. We do absolutely fine with much lower take home pay between us two and a rental flat.
I don't really know what you think you can't afford - nursery for one is fairly doable, do you really need two cars? Getting rid of the pet will not save you that much though.
I am fairly confused as to where your money is going though it's easy to get into the childless working pattern of coffee, lunch and dinner eaten out, new clothes when you're bored of the ones you have.

Any negativity certainly from myself comes from having been the child in these situations.
You’ve got no idea what the kids are thinking. I didn’t have any idea what I was thinking until I unpacked it as an adult and then you realise that yes actually struggling as a single parent would’ve been preferable to much of what else happened.
Not suggesting for a moment that you are anything other than good parents. But you’ve admitted yourself resources are now going to be reduced
If resources were virtually nothing in the first place that does make things quite difficult

That’s a lot of assumptions your making right there

Sorry you had a difficult family situation. I also came from a broken broke and know there can be a lot of abuse x

Best of luck to you OP. This baby will be loved and cherished and things will work out. When I had my daughter I was a single parent living in my mum’s spare room and we had NOTHING in terms of money, but I did have my education (like you I was the first to go to university- the first to gain A Levels as well) and I have built us a life. That baby in hand-me-down clothes was the best thing that ever happened to me. While I don’t earn a lot by MN standards we live in a four bed house and holiday abroad a minimum of twice a year- and the worst of all sins- she has a stepfather who treats and pays for her as if she is his own because families are all different and not unhappy because they don’t fit the MN cookie cutter ideal.
You sounds like a great stepmother and I’m sure you will be a great mother. Take all the help you can, and trust your gut. You have longed for this baby for a long time.

Thank you so much! So nice to read some words of support. Wishing you and your family all the best.

Congratulations! Good luck with the baby.

You will just have to find ways of saving and ways of making the most of resources available to you.

Could you organise to let out one bedroom to a female student who might agree to care for your baby for a few hours every fortnight?
Team up with like minded mothers and give each other support.

I don’t think anyone is saying we shouldn’t progress as a society. Of course we should.

But I think your OP could be worded a lot better, because this isn’t just about ‘current society’ or people having babies in 2025. Your implication is that people have had it way better in the past, and actually, we didn’t.

it’s an easy way of thinking to fall into. I remember in the days leading up to my return to work, wondering how the hell I would cope with a breasfed 12 week old, childcare drops, plus a full days work, thinking how much easier my mum must have had it as a SAHM in the 1960s and 70s, bring up me and my sisters, living on one wage. But of course the reality is that she didn’t have any choice because there were no maternity rights or regulated childcare available to her. She was a clever, capable woman who was never able to achieve what she could have done in a career. Compared to that, I feel fortunate that although the baby years were tougher for me, I’ve had a successful career and financial independence. It’s all a trade off isn’t it? You can’t cherry pick the best bits of an era and ignore the downsides.

We’re all born into a particular era by chance, and we all live within our own specific set of circumstances and make the best within that. While of course speaking out against societal inequalities - but not assuming this is just a current issue.

Try having a baby in the 1960s/ 70s/80s/ 90s (or indeed any time before then) - it wasn’t some golden era

Even in the early 2000s, I remember having to go to back to work when my baby was 16/17 weeks old, still breastfeeding, because the mat money had run out-it was horrible.

Having to buy a 4-bed house is obviously always going to be expensive and puts you in a very different situation to many others. We had a two-bed flat when I had a baby-not ideal as no garden, but gave a bit more wiggle room with finances.

i didn’t realise CM reduced if you have another child. Seems very unfair, his other kids don’t get cheaper

I agree with you OP. It shouldn't be so financially difficult for 2 working people to start a family. I think the way our society has gone i.e. the focus on making money rather than on investing in people/communities means that life is pretty shit for working parents.

My DH is very bitter about this and he talks regularly about how unfair life is for people in their 20s and 30s now trying to make decent lives for their families. He feels that despite doing everything "right" he is financially nowhere near where people with similar qualifications but 20 years older than him were when they were his age and that wealth is being hoarded and the ladder being pulled up.

@crossedlines well she did have a choice. She chose to have a family and get married rather than work……..

And it’s the same now, just the worst of both worlds now z if we choose to have a family we must go back to work as one wage, or in this case 2 wages, aren’t enough.

Childcare in this country is a joke and those who don’t work should not have access to free hours. Where I live even if you want to pay it’s difficult to even get a place.

OP, it shouldn’t be this difficult and I’m sorry it is.

It also reduces if the paying parent moves in with a partner who already has children.

Progression is generally more wealth accumulation for everyone, meaning more consumerism.

Thats what people mean when they talk about society 'progressing' - I want a bigger house, 2 cars, holidays, nicer food

We have progressed from a society where people generally took 1 holiday a year within the UK, ate seasonally which mean basic, sometimes bland, sometimes very repetitive foods, from having a more manual labour force

Unless you were uber wealthy

People want these 'progressions' but then complain about the cost of it.

If you were to live the more simple life it wouldnt cost you so much but we are conditioned to that being seen as not good enough.

wtf! That makes even less sense

Yes, they don’t even have to be his children
So you can get the resident parents children receiving money from their mother their non-resident father/parent And additionally, their new step parent doesn’t have to pay as much child support so they have additional funds to spend on them.
People are so derogatory about blended family and I’m probably the worst for it but I get it
It does make the most sentence to just put up and shut up and move some bloke into your house

my point is that it’s no worse now overall than it has been for generations. Having to choose between having a family or having a job must have been terrible for lots of women. My mum was as clever and capable as my dad, but never had the chance to have a career. That’s a pretty damning indictment of 1960s society.

and like I said, 2 wages have been necessary to support a family for a long time now, it’s not a 2025 issue! We couldn’t have lived on one wage 30 years ago. But like I said, although the baby years were very tough, at least I’ve had the benefit of a worthwhile career - something which was denied to my mum and indeed her mum.

I follow a dude on youtube who helps people with their finances - Americans in his case.

The number of people who are spending 100s of dollars per month on eating out/getting a drink when they buy petrol/buying lunch rather taking a packed one etc. and doing that on credit card debt is insane.

I don't think eating out is quite such a thing here (although I might be very out of touch - I live rurally, so can't get anything delivered even if I wanted to), but my friend and I go to costa once a week in term time while our kids are at Piano lessons, and a drink for 5 of us, and a cake each for the kids it's about 35quid - which is a lot of money for something that isn't even a meal! If my friend isn't there, I just sit in the car for 45 mins and read, because it's just not worth the money. But it's completely normalised, people feel deprived if they can't do it.

I didn't go on holiday until I was 12 (and it was camping in the UK) - I wasn't in any way the only kid with the same lack of holidays when I was at school - now it's much more expected that you can take a week somewhere abroad.

I think our life-styles have increased an awful lot in the last 30 years, and it's mainly consumerism, and TBH, a lot of it is expectation rather than need.

Well yes, the system doesn’t work. Capitalism doesn’t work. You cannot infinitely grow economies when resources are finite.

However, your problem is you've bought a big house already and have a large mortgage. It’s your first baby but your family will have three. You have done brilliantly to go to uni but you’ve chosen a low wage career and are paying off uni debt. Your partner is also on pretty average wages. So you were always onto a loser.

That said. You’ll manage. You’ll have to cut back. Breast feed if you can it’s cheaper. Shop in Lidl or Aldi. Get their £1.50 veg boxes. Use a community fridge. Grow your own veg next summer. Eat vegetarian most days. See if you can find a way to earn a little extra while on mat leave.

Another random child ? FFS. You are charming .
Step mum bashers out in full force .