Current society not conducive to childrearing (if you don’t have family wealth)

[Tryingmybest2keepsane]

Hi there,

I guess this is more of a venting post if that’s allowed, but helpful feedback also welcome. It’s also super long - so a big thanks to anyone who makes it to the end!!

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant after trying for over a year and a previous miscarriage. The delight has quickly faded into panic as we’re now getting real about costs. It’s looking like things are going to be more than tight - probably going to have to get rid of the cat kinda tight. It’s so depressing and is what had led to me being on the fence for ages. Not because I didn’t want kids but because despite both of us working full time with a current take home of just under 5k, it’s still not really doable without major pain and sacrifice. (Before everyone piles in and asks for a full breakdown of costs, I’m not going to do that as I know we already earn more than some and there are things like pet insurance or having 2 cars that can be cut back. The point is that not everyone has to go without to such an extent and that the added stress and insecurity makes everything so much harder. No wonder so many split up within the first few years.)

We felt so lucky to get on the housing ladder after years and years of slow saving (where the housing market kept moving the finish line as deposit amounts needed shot up). We’re now in a 4 bed house (bought for £345k earlier this year) in a moderately priced part of a northern city - the mortgage is currently £1660 a month for 24 years. We needed a 4 bed as my partner had two older children and we knew we wanted our own. We also had to buy in this area so his kids could continue at their current school and within a short distance to their mum. (We have them half the time). We both wfh for some of the week, although that is likely going to have to change as we’ll soon be out of space.

We both come from pretty impoverished backgrounds and it’s that lack of a safety net that scares me. Growing up I lived in over 20 properties - some emergency housing - between the ages of 2 and 16, after which I moved in permanently with a boyfriend to escape the chaos at home.

I’m 38 now and have worked so hard my whole life since 16, going back to school as a mature student in my 20s while still working part time and working through the summer hols while my peers took unpaid graduate placements. There was considerable childhood trauma to overcome.

I know we can’t afford 2 kids (and he’s clear even 1 was almost out of the question), but to consider not having a child due to financial reasons when I’m working just as hard or harder than anyone else seems deeply unfair. I’ve managed to claw my way out of childhood poverty and and am the first and only in my family to have gone to university (UCL! still my biggest achievement!), but it seems no amount of ‘hard work’ can ever make up for a general lack of family wealth.

Unfortunately, circumstances are made worse by there being no maternity top up from my employer and no grandparents living nearby.

I fully realise that my situation is the sum of all my life choices - I could have picked a richer partner or a better paying career for instance, though I’d probably be deeply unhappy as I’ve never managed to feel an affinity with people from wealthier or more stable backgrounds. Similarly, with work, it’s only since I’ve switched from corporate to something more community focused that I feel any sense of satisfaction.

The main kicker is the cost of nursery or childminding fees alongside a hefty mortgage and our usual monthly outgoings. OH says he’ll just have to get a second job and I’m sure we’ll manage to scrape through. But I’m really sick of hearing how well off other people are or how they were helped by parents or an inheritance windfall (all our parents are in social housing/renting). Yes, I’m resentful! Yes, I blame rampant inequality and capitalist greed! It will mean the end of some friendships as it’s not good for my mental health to hear how easy others have it. I’m having a big whiny moment and I know I’ll get over it. But equally I’m sick of pretending like everyone is in the same boat, because we’re not.

So if you’re also out there feeling disillusioned and overwhelmed by our current system - please know you’re not alone. Id also strongly encourage you to get involved with affecting systemic change however you can - whether that’s through community work or politics. I realised after meeting an old friend I’d not seen for a while that power and money corrupts and distances people from the realities of life. She used to seem quite empathetic and open minded, but now works for a big 5 management company and is due to make over £800k once she makes partner. She casually shared that she can’t understand how people become homeless and I literally had to explain how easy it can happen. It really saddened me as I realised so many are protected from knowing just how tough life can be.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening x

“accepting his lot as a single parent”. So all people should live out their years alone if the first relationship breaks down? What makes you think our situation isn’t a happy one? If anything the kids are in a financially more stable situation and are keen on a new sibling. I’ve been in their lives for almost a decade and have a lot to offer them. There’s a lot of love and laughter in our house. Being a stepparent is one of the hardest, most painful things I’ve done and most people never realise the sacrifices we make. I’m proud of the family we’ve built. So I’m not going to listen to judgmental idiots online who are clearly just out to being people down.

Of course not but it does complicate things if you then go on and have a second family. The resources have to go that much further. That's what your whole post is about - resources. The first child have to be considered before creating any further children.

Well if you're more financially stable as a couple than your dp was in his previous marriage what on earth is the problem?

The first children are more than catered for. They’ve literally been on 3 holidays this year.

Well, you've just found an area you can cut back then.

More financially stable than as a single parent.

OH not DH?

He hasnt married you?

Right ok if he dies his half goes to his kids and you lose your home.

Smart move.

If you wanted stability you should have married a guy with no children.

He'll soon have 3 children across 2 households. It was never going to be cheap. Honestly not sure what you were expecting.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

Wow to some of the comments, some quite judgemental, never be so quick to judge as you never know how life can chuck unexpected curve balls and hit for six in tough ways. Cancer in my partner has taught me the value of just being!!

Yes - agree odds are stacked against the woman and social media creates such noise & expectations that are for many unrealistic.

Just my opinion but cut out the noise of expectations, don't panic. The cat is fine! You have two babysitters in the making.
Keep a good spreadsheet, access all support & just enjoy your time. They go from baby to teenage overnight!

Debt free diaries on money saving expert can give some good suggestions for how to budget, tips for saving pennies etc..

We can look into a mortgage break for sure. I’m just worried about it adding to the overall cost and being more unmanageable when I go back to work. Interest only only knocks off £200 a month so doesn’t seem like we’d feel the benefit. We’re lucky that we even have the option I suppose as we wouldn’t have if still renting!

Our mortgage is quite big but it was that or stay renting forever and rental rates are even higher around here. I have friends who are first time buyers who don’t have kids and are in a similar situation with their mortgages as they’ve remortgaged or stretched themselves to get a 3 bed so when the kids do come they have space. Property is just crazy expensive and unless you have family to help with a bigger downpayment your options are really limited. Unfortunately as we’d both owned property before and fallen off the ladder we didn’t qualify for any of the ISA or stamp duty saving initiatives.

Many people cannot afford 3 children; that’s the reality for thousands of couples these days so in that respect; you’re not unusual. That’s no judgement about partnering a man with 2 children - it’s just simple facts. You want a 4 bed house so each child can have their own room. Thousands of people limit themselves to one or perhaps 2 children and live in much smaller housing. Not necessary by choice - they might be desperate for another child - but due to financial constraints.

Will they be going on three holidays next year?
Is that at the expensive the cat?

Your partner saw you coming didn’t he?

He's got you paying for a huge house for his kids.

This is a selfish entitled man problem, not an economy problem.

You and a baby would be fine in a one bed flat. Then your costs would be a fraction of now & you’d have none of this worry.

Honestly the kids don’t cost that much to feed and entertain. We managed a family holiday this year and they had two with their mum and her partner. They’re pretty low maintenance these days. The main outgoing is the house, which yes is bigger but we’ve offset by living a bit further out. New build 3 beds around here go for more. I’ve also put nearly 10 years into raising someone else’s family and hoped we’d be in a better position financially by now, but that’s life and I’m running out of time.

There’s no maintenance to pay as we have them half the time.

If you want more money you need to get a better paying job

Having that money to spend on other family expenses?

If you can afford it then of course you can go on holiday abroad every year. But expectations have definitely changed to where people feel entitled to this and feel hard done by if their finances don't stretch to that. There is feeling that people are entitled to a middle class lifestyle on working class wages.

Kids have been put first for 9 years and their needs will continue to be a priority. I love them. We’re a happy family. What makes you think they wouldn’t be exited to welcome a new sibling (they’ve said as much!) I’m sorry you have such a disdainful bitter view of stepfamilies. We’re really not that bad.

Yes but he’s not raising them alone is he. There are literally four working adults and multiple grandparents involved.

It’s ridiculous that everyone is having a go at the OP for having a kid with someone who has two kids already. This blended scenario is very normal in this day and age and you’d think she’d still be able to afford to have a baby on two fairly decent salaries.

completely derailing the thread and unhelpful

I think it’s really hard if you have come from nothing, worked really hard to end that cycle and still struggle but it’s worth reminding yourself that you have broken that cycle, you have achieved so much and you have a much better life than your parents.

This idea that everyone who is finding it fine is handling it well because of inherited / familial wealth is absurd.

It’s tough for the vast majority of people and what is more the vast majority of people spend a lot of money on things they don’t need to when it comes to kids. So there are areas to cut back on.

The worst bits expense wise are the pre-school years. Nursery and childcare just do your head in until the point at which a large chunk of it is handled by the school and after school care.

ha the cat thing was a joke tbh. I’d never get rid of her even though she’s a complete nightmare, but that’s another post!

yes a bit silly of me not to have looked into nursery fees properly. I’d thought the 30 free hours was going to stretch and bring down costs more than it actually does. I hear it’s something that catches a lot of new parents out. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but it wouldn’t have changed anything. I’d still want my own child. My phone is actually 5 years old and costs £11 a month so not something I can reduce. But I do spend on products, hair, makeup etc that could probably be cut back.

Congratulations @Tryingmybest2keepsane wonderful news.
Presumably your DH pays CMS, well surely this will go down once you have your own LO ? Also if you are well work as far into your pregnancy as you can , this may give you a year with your baby , that will be a year without any travel costs to and from work so that is another saving . Re the nappy situation, l know Aldi's have a superb range for babies at very low cost in comparison to the big brands .
Finally you will find a way once you have your baby in your arms everything will become so much clearer for you .

Thanks for your lovely message - so nice to read and well done on making it out of the trenches. It’s weird how you go through uni thinking that it will give you all the same opportunities in life cos ‘now I’ve got my degree’ only to realise how much help other people are getting behind the scenes. Even things like being savvy with money. Because no one had anything other than debt growing up and we never owned our home, I didn’t understand how to save or plan for the future. I’ve always felt somewhat behind with life things and I truly think it’s because everything has had to be self taught. It sounds like you’re doing a great job overcoming generational trauma despite the world working against us. I’m always so proud of people who’ve had to overcome more to get where they are.