Current society not conducive to childrearing (if you don’t have family wealth)

[Tryingmybest2keepsane]

Hi there,

I guess this is more of a venting post if that’s allowed, but helpful feedback also welcome. It’s also super long - so a big thanks to anyone who makes it to the end!!

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant after trying for over a year and a previous miscarriage. The delight has quickly faded into panic as we’re now getting real about costs. It’s looking like things are going to be more than tight - probably going to have to get rid of the cat kinda tight. It’s so depressing and is what had led to me being on the fence for ages. Not because I didn’t want kids but because despite both of us working full time with a current take home of just under 5k, it’s still not really doable without major pain and sacrifice. (Before everyone piles in and asks for a full breakdown of costs, I’m not going to do that as I know we already earn more than some and there are things like pet insurance or having 2 cars that can be cut back. The point is that not everyone has to go without to such an extent and that the added stress and insecurity makes everything so much harder. No wonder so many split up within the first few years.)

We felt so lucky to get on the housing ladder after years and years of slow saving (where the housing market kept moving the finish line as deposit amounts needed shot up). We’re now in a 4 bed house (bought for £345k earlier this year) in a moderately priced part of a northern city - the mortgage is currently £1660 a month for 24 years. We needed a 4 bed as my partner had two older children and we knew we wanted our own. We also had to buy in this area so his kids could continue at their current school and within a short distance to their mum. (We have them half the time). We both wfh for some of the week, although that is likely going to have to change as we’ll soon be out of space.

We both come from pretty impoverished backgrounds and it’s that lack of a safety net that scares me. Growing up I lived in over 20 properties - some emergency housing - between the ages of 2 and 16, after which I moved in permanently with a boyfriend to escape the chaos at home.

I’m 38 now and have worked so hard my whole life since 16, going back to school as a mature student in my 20s while still working part time and working through the summer hols while my peers took unpaid graduate placements. There was considerable childhood trauma to overcome.

I know we can’t afford 2 kids (and he’s clear even 1 was almost out of the question), but to consider not having a child due to financial reasons when I’m working just as hard or harder than anyone else seems deeply unfair. I’ve managed to claw my way out of childhood poverty and and am the first and only in my family to have gone to university (UCL! still my biggest achievement!), but it seems no amount of ‘hard work’ can ever make up for a general lack of family wealth.

Unfortunately, circumstances are made worse by there being no maternity top up from my employer and no grandparents living nearby.

I fully realise that my situation is the sum of all my life choices - I could have picked a richer partner or a better paying career for instance, though I’d probably be deeply unhappy as I’ve never managed to feel an affinity with people from wealthier or more stable backgrounds. Similarly, with work, it’s only since I’ve switched from corporate to something more community focused that I feel any sense of satisfaction.

The main kicker is the cost of nursery or childminding fees alongside a hefty mortgage and our usual monthly outgoings. OH says he’ll just have to get a second job and I’m sure we’ll manage to scrape through. But I’m really sick of hearing how well off other people are or how they were helped by parents or an inheritance windfall (all our parents are in social housing/renting). Yes, I’m resentful! Yes, I blame rampant inequality and capitalist greed! It will mean the end of some friendships as it’s not good for my mental health to hear how easy others have it. I’m having a big whiny moment and I know I’ll get over it. But equally I’m sick of pretending like everyone is in the same boat, because we’re not.

So if you’re also out there feeling disillusioned and overwhelmed by our current system - please know you’re not alone. Id also strongly encourage you to get involved with affecting systemic change however you can - whether that’s through community work or politics. I realised after meeting an old friend I’d not seen for a while that power and money corrupts and distances people from the realities of life. She used to seem quite empathetic and open minded, but now works for a big 5 management company and is due to make over £800k once she makes partner. She casually shared that she can’t understand how people become homeless and I literally had to explain how easy it can happen. It really saddened me as I realised so many are protected from knowing just how tough life can be.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening x

Did you actually read the o/p?

she says she is in the north and can’t relocate - she even gives reasons why they have to live where they do.

I did but I must have missed that bit

50-50 does not always equal no Maintainence, lots of factors involved
Even so 2 teens/ young adults are not cheap

No I never like women who go on to have children with more than one man either.

they should put existing kids first.

i mean you could say that about anyone who chooses to have more than one child. Every subsequent child stretches financial and emotional resources further.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You will be eligible for 30 free childcare hours when your baby is 9 months old. Some childminders will just work within those 30 hours. Another thing is registering for child benefit.
What rate of mortgage are you at, you should look at switching next year of on 2 years deal.
For baby stuffs, look at asking on Freecycle or get second hand on Facebook marketplace.

Good point. My friend’s DH traded her in for a newer model
as he “couldn’t do family life anymore”. Has two new kids now…

Same shit, different bucket. He’ll be back on the market soon they always are

Get rid of your cat? Awful attitude. You are in a relationship with a man who has 2 kids from a previous relationship, you didn’t really think this through did you? Those children will now receive less CM because you are now having his third child. Did he consider the impact on his first family I wonder? Or does he expect the state to pick up the tab?

My NDN is just like this. Three DC to a previous partner but her youngest DC is to her current partner who she lives with. Shared custody arrangement of the older three DC, 2-2-3 it looks like.

Complete lack of awareness how her selfish behaviour affects her existing children having to go back and forth between two homes. But that's the type of person she is🤷‍♀️

you could say that about anyone who chooses to have more than one child. Every subsequent child stretches financial and emotional resources further.

I would think most people stop when they can't afford more children, yeah. But weirdly it seems people having second families get a special pass, because they so, so want second families, with their shiny new partners, and even though the financial and emotional resources are paper thin, they feel entitled to have children they can't afford and which make life materially and emotionally hard for their actual, living children. Men or women, I always think it's bad behaviour.

I would speak to the mortgage company and see if you can extend the loan period. Costs are high for a few years but then they reduce so you can up your payments then.

it’s all relative though isn’t it. I’ve had 2 kids that only got a couple of terms nursery funding so I worked out I’ve spent about £30k on nursery fees I wouldn’t have spent if the 30hours from 9 months had been in place when mine were babies. It sucks but at the same time we fixed our mortgage for a decent rate so you win some you lose some.

You say ‘It’s only since I switched from corporate to something more community based’ that you feel any satisfaction.

Your friend who works in a top five firm may hate slogging her guts out for a corporate - very many do. But maybe she decided to suck it up and get on with it because it provides her with the sort of financial peace that you are complaining you don’t have.

You can’t have your cake and eat it.

Poor cat.

Yes I was just thinking I'd love to pay that for a nice 4 bed

Why on earth shouldn't I go on holiday abroad once a year? I work full time, as does dh. What exactly do you think would be a better use of our resources?

Exactly this. It’s why I don’t go near men with kids.

@Tryingmybest2keepsane you acknowledge you have made choices that have created the situation you now find yourself in. Your chosen partner has 2 children and you both have chosen to have a third. You have a satisfying but poorly paid job with poor t&cs. These things were entirely within your control and blaming society for your financial woes is short sighted. There's universal credit and funded hours for childcare that will help but if you want more money, fundamentally it's up to you and your partner to earn it. No point moaning about it now. Decide what you want to do and get on with it.

You are miscalculating something somewhere. Your income is great and you have plenty of money left after paying the mortgage.
You can save for the months of maternity/ paternity leave.
Get rid of one car.
No holidays for one or two years.
Then you will be ok. And it is not that much of a drama.

Congratulations!

I think the biggest issue is that this is a second family for your DH, so that will take a lot of resources. Maybe your DH is right and he will have to get a second job? If you can, the best thing would be to maybe see if you can extend your mortgage to reduce the payments. You can always pick them up later, if opportunity presents. You might also have to consider whether your low paid but satisfying job is realistic at this time. You may need a less satisfying but higher paying job.

Quite

You could have chosen someone who didnt have any children but you didnt.

Im not sure why youre acting as if you had no agency.

We both come from pretty impoverished backgrounds and it’s that lack of a safety net that scares me. Growing up I lived in over 20 properties - some emergency housing - between the ages of 2 and 16, after which I moved in permanently with a boyfriend to escape the chaos at home.

So why are you saying current society isnt conducive to children unless youre already wealthy, when you were a child it wasn't either.

Not sure what you want. Youve made choices that mean money is tight. His kids mean a big house in an expensive area. If you'd chosen someone without kids you could have had a smaller property in a cheaper area ...so youre just going to have to deal with it.

You have a 4 bed house and 2 cars im sorry you've no money left after all that but thats what you chose.

Congratulations, OP!
We're finding it tight, but it's absolutely worth it. Our DD is the best thing to ever happen to us.

I recommend nous.com. It's free, and they monitor all your major household bills to proactively switch you as often as necessary. We've found it great and it doesn't take much effort.

All the best for your extended family. You can be rich in 20 years ☺️

Thank you - these are brilliant!

The other thing I would say OP is comparison is the thief of joy. You’re better off than many, even if you’re worse off than your mates. I’d sack off the mate showing off about her high salary because that’s just unappealing behaviour

Oh and agree with PP to definitely remember you don’t need loads of stuff for a baby. No moses basket. We used the pram and pram carrycot as the place baby slept downstairs. Next to me upstairs. She ended up cosleeping from 1 month old so don’t buy an expensive cot just in case — buy as you go. Aldi nappies and wipes are good. BF if you can as cheaper than formula. Bundles of baby grows and vests etc on Vinted.

Unnecessary baby gear includes: dock a tot type stuff - expensive bouncers (though I’d grab a cheap one maybe) - outfits (they look cuter in baby grows! And you’ll get given some as gifts) - etc etc.