Current society not conducive to childrearing (if you don’t have family wealth)

[Tryingmybest2keepsane]

Hi there,

I guess this is more of a venting post if that’s allowed, but helpful feedback also welcome. It’s also super long - so a big thanks to anyone who makes it to the end!!

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant after trying for over a year and a previous miscarriage. The delight has quickly faded into panic as we’re now getting real about costs. It’s looking like things are going to be more than tight - probably going to have to get rid of the cat kinda tight. It’s so depressing and is what had led to me being on the fence for ages. Not because I didn’t want kids but because despite both of us working full time with a current take home of just under 5k, it’s still not really doable without major pain and sacrifice. (Before everyone piles in and asks for a full breakdown of costs, I’m not going to do that as I know we already earn more than some and there are things like pet insurance or having 2 cars that can be cut back. The point is that not everyone has to go without to such an extent and that the added stress and insecurity makes everything so much harder. No wonder so many split up within the first few years.)

We felt so lucky to get on the housing ladder after years and years of slow saving (where the housing market kept moving the finish line as deposit amounts needed shot up). We’re now in a 4 bed house (bought for £345k earlier this year) in a moderately priced part of a northern city - the mortgage is currently £1660 a month for 24 years. We needed a 4 bed as my partner had two older children and we knew we wanted our own. We also had to buy in this area so his kids could continue at their current school and within a short distance to their mum. (We have them half the time). We both wfh for some of the week, although that is likely going to have to change as we’ll soon be out of space.

We both come from pretty impoverished backgrounds and it’s that lack of a safety net that scares me. Growing up I lived in over 20 properties - some emergency housing - between the ages of 2 and 16, after which I moved in permanently with a boyfriend to escape the chaos at home.

I’m 38 now and have worked so hard my whole life since 16, going back to school as a mature student in my 20s while still working part time and working through the summer hols while my peers took unpaid graduate placements. There was considerable childhood trauma to overcome.

I know we can’t afford 2 kids (and he’s clear even 1 was almost out of the question), but to consider not having a child due to financial reasons when I’m working just as hard or harder than anyone else seems deeply unfair. I’ve managed to claw my way out of childhood poverty and and am the first and only in my family to have gone to university (UCL! still my biggest achievement!), but it seems no amount of ‘hard work’ can ever make up for a general lack of family wealth.

Unfortunately, circumstances are made worse by there being no maternity top up from my employer and no grandparents living nearby.

I fully realise that my situation is the sum of all my life choices - I could have picked a richer partner or a better paying career for instance, though I’d probably be deeply unhappy as I’ve never managed to feel an affinity with people from wealthier or more stable backgrounds. Similarly, with work, it’s only since I’ve switched from corporate to something more community focused that I feel any sense of satisfaction.

The main kicker is the cost of nursery or childminding fees alongside a hefty mortgage and our usual monthly outgoings. OH says he’ll just have to get a second job and I’m sure we’ll manage to scrape through. But I’m really sick of hearing how well off other people are or how they were helped by parents or an inheritance windfall (all our parents are in social housing/renting). Yes, I’m resentful! Yes, I blame rampant inequality and capitalist greed! It will mean the end of some friendships as it’s not good for my mental health to hear how easy others have it. I’m having a big whiny moment and I know I’ll get over it. But equally I’m sick of pretending like everyone is in the same boat, because we’re not.

So if you’re also out there feeling disillusioned and overwhelmed by our current system - please know you’re not alone. Id also strongly encourage you to get involved with affecting systemic change however you can - whether that’s through community work or politics. I realised after meeting an old friend I’d not seen for a while that power and money corrupts and distances people from the realities of life. She used to seem quite empathetic and open minded, but now works for a big 5 management company and is due to make over £800k once she makes partner. She casually shared that she can’t understand how people become homeless and I literally had to explain how easy it can happen. It really saddened me as I realised so many are protected from knowing just how tough life can be.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening x

Why should you? It's something only one generation in human history ever came to expect.

Im afraid this is exactly it.

If you’re comparing us to the Victorian’s then yes. Things were worse then. But otherwise this is factually incorrect. Wealth inequality and as such the quality of life gap has drastically increased since the 1950s meaning that there is now a 10 year life expectancy difference between the richest and poorest postcodes in the UK.

😂 😂 😂
Im going on a lovely cruise next year and Greece this October half term. I'll have a sharp word with myself at my cheek of leaving this sceptered isle

Well said.

Congratulations on the baby!

I’m afraid I don’t agree with you about how unfair and difficult life is. Plenty of people make huge sacrifices for their DC — and the DC have to make do with less as well. Material things aren’t what makes children happy. For example they don’t need three holidays a year. Many people make do with one car or none. Children can and do share bedrooms. People live in flats not houses.

Childcare is a killer but that stage doesn’t last long.

I also grew up in poverty and was also the first in my family to go to uni. You should be proud of yourself for breaking out of poverty but don’t be constantly feeling hard done by. Sounds like you have a good life and a good family. Soon to be even better. Good luck.

I’ve read the first page and pretty gobsmacked by the answers tbh. Especially those that have t read your OP.

Yes. Yes you’re right about all of it. You have had things immeasurably harder than many - most tbh. You’ve been left both with a priceless real empathy for the more vulnerable, plus the scars of those experiences, but also you’ve put yourself into a life where you will be constantly faced with the people you know just not having a clue. I know that despite being fairly penniless for much of my adult life, I still had a rich extended family that has rescued my mum and me at some crucial moments, as well as knowing how to game the system because my mum knew how and had the cultural capital to do so. I still make decisions that a rich person makes because of that cushion. And I’m very far from penniless now.

Congratulations on your baby. Yes, it shouldn’t be this hard. I hope that you find when you get there that it’s manageable.

You will have 3 kids… a lot lot lot of families (including mine, where we earn a lot more but live in a more expensive area) have to stop at 1 or 2 because of the cost (and indirect costs such as a bigger car and house). In the past people had big families but standards were lower- I shared with my sister and step sisters (when they visited). My husband shared with 2 brothers at one point and they were by no means considered poor at the time.

Nursery Fee support starts at 9 months now. Do shared parental with your partner and look at condensing hours since you wfh this will be easier. You will then have a day a
week each at home.

I think your experience of your very rich friend isnt typical. Most people don’t go around bragging about how much they’ll make when they make partner and most people believe life is hard for the majority of young families and feel the government help needs to increase (it is increasing). The majority
of people haven’t had a huge inheritance by the time they have kids (although if you have lots of rich friends you might be noticing a lot do?). A lot of people use credit cards/ savings when they have a baby.

Its not about the doing of it, its about complaining if you cant afford it.

I’m surprised that no one has mentioned the huge cost of childcare in this country. British parents pay some of the highest childcare costs in the world - top 5 at least depending on your salary.

Well it does mean we will have to go without food or clothes for 6 months at least I'll be slim for the beach

@Tryingmybest2keepsane you will have to do what generations did before you and cut your cloth to match your circumstances.

My mother's generation did it with no maternity rights whatsoever.

Mine did it with six months mat leave.

There were no free hours in the 90s. DS's day nursery 8-6.30, charged £55 per day, 30 years ago.

I think you need to crack on, economise and make the best of a lean year or four. A car could go or be replaced with a banger, holidays can morph into camping, cut the coffees and meals out/takeaways, cut back on other personal spends as women have done through the Centuries. Removing a family pet comes last and only when you are on your uppers. To suggest getting rid of the cat speaks volumes about your nature.

Does your judgmental attitude serve you well in life or are you that miserable on the inside too. We’ve been together a long time thank you and both sides of the stepfamily are in a happy stable situation. Not all breakups are messy or hurtful towards the kids. In fact it’s only people like you who stigmatise families like ours that are doing the damage. It takes a lot of maturity to create happy stepfamilies but we’ve done it and I’m not going to listen to people who clearly know nothing about these dynamics.

This isn't really a usual example. You chose to get into a relationship with a man with 2 kids, you are already a family with 2 kids and now you are adding a 3rd. There's not many families who can afford 3 kids.

No maternity pay top up from your employer again is a choice you have made. Plenty of employers offer great enhanced packages, I moved careers 2 years before we tried for a baby so I would get the enhanced pay for example.

No, wealth inequality was much much higher in the 50s, almost double what it is now.

There was an evening out of this by the 80s, although still unequal and inequality has continued to increase since the 80s but is still not comparable to the 50s.

First of all: congratulations for your pregnancy and my best wishes for you, your precious baby and all your family 💖
I just wanted to say that pregnancy is a very overwhelming period, with hormones ruling rampantly all over the place. That doesn't mean that what you have seen and identified is not there: in fact, the opposite is true because during pregnancy our brains develop incredible abilities for perception of dangers and risks. So we become extremely clairvoyant, so to speak.
Likewise, you can't possibly imagine the strength you'll discover in yourself once you have your little one in your arms: it's the most energising experience ever, because you know you'll do anything for that baby. I truly believe that the expression "love conquers all" is meant for mother love.
Anyway, my point is: you come across as incredibly strong, resilient and intelligent. Just imagine all those qualities you already have, multiplied exponentially. And all that justified rage you feel, properly channelled. You'll be a force of Nature!

i think part of the problem is that people hear the ‘30 hours free childcare from 9 months’ and assume that they’ll be paying next to nothing. Whereas the reality is that nurseries cannot stay afloat without making additional charges.

but honestly @Tryingmybest2keepsane this is not an issue specific to 2025. Nursery care has always been very expensive relative to income. I had my kids 30 + years ago - there were no free hours at all and paid maternity leave was only 3 months long, so we paid full childcare fees from when ds was 12 weeks to just turning 5 years!

And before anyone starts on housing- yes, the actual price of a house was cheaper back then, but mortgage rates were way, way higher so the reality of monthly outgoings was just as bad as now.

its not a competition of who has it worst; im just trying to give some perspective. At least nowadays you have the option of taking longer than 12 weeks off work and you could also use transferable leave so your partner takes some time off. That all means that you have longer before the nursery fees kick in.

We got through those early years with second jobs, cutting back on everything possible (didn’t have holidays, just stayed with friends occasionally) and basically gritting our teeth until the school years when we had the ‘luxury’ of only paying before/ after school and holiday childcare.

Im not going to lie - it was tough. And tbh if one of us had already had 2 children it would have been a very difficult decision on whether to have another. But you get through.

I don’t agree with your point about it being ‘current society’, like I’ve said it was bloody difficult 30 years ago. I look at colleagues having babies now having 9 months or even a year mat leave and can’t imagine how I coped as a breastfeeding mum of a 12 week old.

Children can share rooms, you don’t need a bigger house, you want a bigger house.

Go down to one car.

Buy things like jumperoos etc from market place.

Start meal planning, batch cooking and eating less meat.

Be really strict on things like buying coffees on days out, buying expensive beauty products and so on.

I'm comparing it to every single moment of human history prior to about 1975. I'm open to people who were parenting then telling me to move that goalpost a bit later too.

Babies being born on the NHS is a within living memory situation FFS

"oh no but some mums can't even afford Netflix and Disney plus they have to CHOOSE"

Omg OP i cant believe some of the replies here! It sounds like you're a lovely thoughtful stepmother and of course you're allowed to expand your family with the man you love and be upset that a baby of your own feels so financially difficult. These people are exactly what you described - out of touch because they haven't walked in your shoes and cant begin to imagine. Just know that you will make it work. Help is out there and lots of other mums in your shoes who can give tips about doing it cheaply. I know exactly what you mean about friends- I know people who were handed a hefty deposit and have breezed through life since because their mortgage payments are half of mine for the same size flat. They have no clue and speak as if were in the same boat but they have so many more choices and freedom available to them than i do and that hurts.

TBH I agree with some others - the issue here is the massive house - I only got a 4 bed house in my mid-40s (30 mins outside of town, only way I could afford the space), after starting out in a 2 bed semi (tiny one - TBH a flat would have been bigger) in my mid-20, to a bigger 2 bed when I had kids in my mid 30s, to the 4 bed now that I'm working from home and the kids are teens. If there's no way the older kids could share (mine shared until early teens - but they're both boys), then keeping the baby/toddler in with you until they were 1 or 2 (this is what I did with both of mine - DS1 until he was nearly 3, DS2 went in with DS1 when he was just over 1) means that you stave off needing those extra rooms for as long as you can.

I never had family close for childcare (although they did make a contribution to my first house deposit - but I could have waited a few more months and managed that myself too), and had to just 'make it work' (all the more so when I left my ex). I did it by freelancing when the kids were small, so that now they're older, I'm senior, but working from home around school-runs is already embedded in my work's expectations for me.

Those first years, with a 'proper' job and no family childcare are going to be very tough. Your partner getting a second job isn't going to be great - you'll feel like the world is on your shoulders because of it. You need to find some way to squeeze some more money out somewhere - interest only for a bit as others have suggested, dropping a car if possible, going full on survival mode for food. I've lived it, and I wouldn't want to go back to it, but in a way I'm proud I could do it, and it actually takes some worry off, because once you've literally been out of money until you're paid in a week, and just eating what's left in the cupboards, having to tighten the belt just a little bit holds no fear (not that I want to be eating rice with worcester sauce for dinners again)

It is what I chose - 9 years ago when I had little comprehension of how things would pan out. I fully accept my choices but it doesn’t mean I can’t try and fix a broken system. What’s interesting is how everyone has jumped on the stepfamily thing rather than acknowledge my main point which is that life is hard right now for a lot of people. I’ve often wondered if other women feel threatened by stepfamilies because they’re a shadow of what could happen to them if their relationship goes wrong. People on here talk like they have their life sewn up but have no empathy or wisdom for people further up the path. They talk like there’s only one way to do life and think that they can hear a few details and draw grand conclusions. It’s made me realise I wasn’t imagining the stigma I felt early on in this journey as I’d tell women I’d met someone with kids. It’s the stigma that’s the issue - it’s you not us. This feed has actually been incredibly healing in some ways as it’s so blatantly clear to me how much unfair judgment I’ve been weathering over the years when I know from research and my own experience that kids are much better off in a happy second relationship than they would be in an unhappy first marriage or raised by a struggling single parent.

The problem here is not that “society isn’t set up for child-rearing” - it’s that two people on £35k each can’t afford a four bedroom house in an particular area close to good schools, and three kids.

Lots of us can’t, on significantly higher incomes than yours. Move to a smaller house, or to somewhere cheaper, or accept you can’t afford three kids.

A PP made a good point - I would be substantially worse off if I was PAYE, the fallout of being freelance when my kids were young is that I now contract myself as a limited company, which has insane tax benefits vs. PAYE.

Since your job isn't offering enhanced maternity anyway, they presumably don't have any hold over you (eg. having to work for a year after maternity or having to pay the enhancement back) - so if it's in any way possible, start looking for how you could work under your own company, rather than as a normal employee and that could be the breathing space you need.