Buying a house with partner who has children with ex

[Kjv83]

So I am just about to buy a house with my partner. We are going in 50/50. He has children from his ex partner but I dont have any and we wont have any of our own in the future. Am I being unreasonable by saying I want his half of the house signed over to me in the event of his death and not the children? They only live with us 8 days a month so its not like they will be homeless. As far as I am concerned, if one of us dies then it should go to the other person to alleviate the pressure of selling the house whilst grieving etc which is ultimately what would have to happen. Plus if he left his half to the kids then I would want to leave mine to a third party meaning we could both be in a situation where we would be homeless in the event of death. If its signed over to the survivor and we had a life insurance policy covering x amount to pay towards the mortgage to reduce it by the half that the deceased was paying then all would be good. The added complication is that I am needing heart surgery due to a childhood defect so getting life insurance is going to be a mission..... I have a group life policy through work which he is a beneficiary of which I guess may have to do? Basically, I am stuck in quandrey as I feel like people will think im being selfish but I relinquish any responsibility for the children and he knows that, I dont see why they should benefit from me. He can have a separate life insurance payable to them. Is it as straight forward as I think? Legal advise is just a minefield 😫 has anyone been in same position?

I didn’t say you should “be involved”. But the callous way you have written about his children, your own statement that you have “no empathy” for them, and your devious plans to try to persuade him to divert their inheritance for your own benefit, all indicate very clearly that you’re not a suitable person to be in a relationship with someone with children.

The kids wont need the house to survive as they will have other inheritance anyway 🙄 but will get it eventually. Just making it sound like he has to continue providing for his children when they will already be seen good and they will be of an age to support themselves. As partners you also look after eachother no? He sees nothing wrong with my so called attitude. I will always support myself but what I dont agree with is the additional stress of either one of us worrying about the housing situation when the other dies.

Not just my benefit for his also as if I died first I would also ensure my half went to someone forcing him to sell so interst for both. I just dont believe children should be handed money on a plate when you spend years working for it so they should work too.

Anyway repeating myself now. Thanks for the helpful input to a resolution and the other people who feel the need to comment on our relationship can take a run and jump as we are happy with it as it is and so is the ex wife and children soooooooo

horrified that you are setting out to deliberately disinherit children that are not your own. What right have you to take his money from his children?

You apparently don't understand how to own the property, there are only 2 ways to do so

1. Joint Tenants - this means you EACH own 100% of the property so the first one to die means the other person automatically becomes the sole owner gets. It is called law of survivorship as there are no actual shares (calling it 50/50 ownership is a classic misunderstanding of the real position) so it is impossible for one person to leave their "share" to anyone else in a will. DO NOT DO THIS
2. Tenants in Common - the means each person owns a defined % of the property and can do what they want with that share, ie they can leave it to their children if they write a will to that effect. DO THIS

You and he must own as (2) TIC and to do so you will also need to formally document:

a) A declaration of trust which sets out in writing who owns what % of the property. Technically you could avoid creating such a document and it would be presumed that you each own 60% of the property as there are only 2 of you (assuming both are named on the property deeds of course!)

b) His will must have wording that creates an "interest in possession trust" which legally allows you to continue living in the property after his death even though his children then legally own his share of it. The trust wording should cover the obvious scenario of what if you want to sell up and move elsewhere For example can you reinvest the entire sales proceeds in a new home (which would then be TIC with his will beneficiaries) or must you give his kids their share at date of sale and so have less money to fund your new purchase. The trust automatically expires when you die, so his kids get their share on your death in accordance with the terms of his will if you are still living in the property until death.

If you need to go into a care home then only your 50% (or whatever % you and he agree on) can be considered for the means test for funding your care home costs. His share will still; go to whoever he left it to in his will.

obviously if you divorce before death the court will sort out who gets what share assuming the marriage has lasted more than 2 years. If a "short" marriage the court will put each of you back to your respective start position in terms of who gave what money towards the purchase.

for the avoid of doubt, you CANNOT LEAVE A SHARE OF A JOINT TENANCY IN A WILL

It is a concept people often misunderstand, you each own 100% from the outset and the last to die takes it all, no matter what the will says for the person who died first

if you are the last to die then your own will must categorially explain what his children get from your estate otherwise they will get nothing.

Bear in mind even if he writes a will agreeing to you having a life time interest in the property he can change this at any time and you would be none the wiser unless he chooses to tell you. I honestly wouldn't be buying a house with him unless you are certain about the outcome now and in ten future. The fact he wants to buy together is neither here now there. What do you want?

Sounds like you are feeling vulnerable now and will be more so going forward. Decisions like this are supposed to be made to make life better and more secure. Maybe get some independent legal advice before proceeding further.

I never said I didnt want the children to get anything. He actually wanted to do option of joint tenants which meant it would go to me. I was the one who then suggested it needed to go to the children but only after we had both died which I didnt know we could do but the advice here has cleared that up and it is possible. He felt it was expected to go to them on his death and also didnt know it could be deferred allowing the survivor to remain in the property. If he went first then id be left in limbo if it went to them as he woild if it was the other way round, that was my issue but the way it has been suggested gets around that

Yes I do feel vulnerable. We both do. We have both been burnt before by ex partners and I feel the children make the situation a little more complex hence trying to gain advices from people who may have been in the same situation but it seems to have turned into a thread moaning about mine and my partners set up which has nothing to do with this. I will certainly seek my own advices and also with him

In our wills, should one of us die, the house goes completely to the other.

We both have adult children from previous marriages, 2 are mine, 1 is his and we have a separate insurance policy for each adult child should anything happen to either of us. But not the house. Once the surviving partner dies, everything goes to the 3 children.

This is what we initially spoke about however due to my heart condition I cannot get life insurance to pay to him til I have my operation which is another added complication as in effect he wouldn't receive anything at present. Can I ask if you are married or if you choose to go joint tenants?

We are married. Also, he doesn’t have a great relationship with his child, it seems quite a similar relationship to your partner’s with his children. So I completely get where you’re coming from. It’s not easy.

Totally sensible to protect your assets, but not reasonable to dictate to him who he leaves his half to (which IMO, should of course be his children, with a life interest to you meaning you can stay there).

Your comments make for sobering reading though. If me and DH ever separated I would hate for him to move on with a woman who clearly had distain for our children. I would never consider buying a home nor marrying someone who didn’t embrace my children and understand their priority in my life! Not that I would consider a second marriage anyway.

Why don’t you buy the house 100% and he buy an investment property?

Aren’t you “of an age to be able to support yourself”? Why are you trying to sponge half a house that you haven’t paid for from a romantic partner?

The norm is for people to work hard so that they can provide money for their family, not give half of their assets to a partner. Especially one that has explicitly stated they have “no empathy” for the person’s children!

No, healthy romantic relationships aren’t sought out with the expectation that a partner will support you financially. It is very telling that you not only think this but openly declare it and that you are incredulous when others disagree and tell you it isn’t acceptable.

Your comments here show your motives very clearly. Let’s just hope your partner has the sense to see it himself once you bring up your grabby suggestion that he disinherit his own children in your favour.

Step mothers get a lot of flack and people like you who are a caricature of the stereotype are the reason for that!

How appalling. So many people make this mistake and then the surviving partner changes their will and disinherits their dead partner’s children. There are endless cases in courts.

Anybody sensible who considered remarrying when they already have children would have a will in place ensuring their half of assets goes to their own children not be foolish enough to trust an unrelated partner to behave decently. Especially not one like the OP who has made such callous comments about the children!

How anybody could consider marrying or even having a relationship with someone who is so resentful of their children is beyond me.

As is ever so common with these grabby “step parents”, and not by accident.

I never dictated anything. I just aired the fact I felt it was unreasonable to leave the children the house when I was still living it in as I had no intention to do similar to him. They can have it when we are gone. I do embrace his children as much as I feel comfortable and their domestic mother will allow. I cannot have the children living in solely my home, we tried that and it didnt work as my house my rules whereas he is a little more relaxed so with going in together we would compromise on stuff like drinks in bedrooms (I dont agree with that whereas he allows them too etc) yes whilst you may hate him moving on with a woman who is not your ideal, its his choice and I say you have to be accepting of that fact. He would not allow someone round his children if he felt their demeanor or attitude towards them wasnt acceptable

Oh dear lord you know absolutely nothing about my situation but please fill your boots and go ahead and make massive assumptions 😂

You have an awful lot to say..... think you are perhaps the jealous party in a similar situation! Just like the ex wife is 😂

Says the person who wants half a house “handed to them on a plate” just because they’re shagging someone! Hilarious cognitive dissonance you’ve got going on there.

It’s very obvious you don’t have children even if you hadn’t stated it. The main reason people with normal attitudes towards family work hard is so that they can provide as much as possible for their families, not so someone who was a partner for the latter few years of life can live in a house twice the size they could afford until death, to their children’s detriment.

If he’s a decent man he’ll be showing you the door once he sees how you think.

Hahaaaa no, no skin in this game. We’re not all motivated by personal grabbiness, you know. Some of us just have a moral compass and can spot a gold digger a mile away.

The only part of my post that was about your personal situation was the first two words which referred to the fact it is an appalling arrangement. This is an objective fact as any decent financial advisor or lawyer will tell anybody seeking advice on the topic given that the arrangement you described does not protect the children of the partner who is deceased first from the surviving partner disinheriting them.

I am far from a gold digger. I earn alot more money than him and fund our lifestyle more than he does as he also has to rightfully pay for his children. This isnt about greed its about protecting my financial interest in a property that we will jointly own. If his half can go to his children which I never said it couldn't then my half can go to whom I wish. The question was always could we continue living in the house till we both die then the third parties get their share of which the answer is YES as illustrated by the helpful comments on here and not the likes of yourself

“domestic mother”?!

Jesus.

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