Buying a house with partner who has children with ex

[Kjv83]

So I am just about to buy a house with my partner. We are going in 50/50. He has children from his ex partner but I dont have any and we wont have any of our own in the future. Am I being unreasonable by saying I want his half of the house signed over to me in the event of his death and not the children? They only live with us 8 days a month so its not like they will be homeless. As far as I am concerned, if one of us dies then it should go to the other person to alleviate the pressure of selling the house whilst grieving etc which is ultimately what would have to happen. Plus if he left his half to the kids then I would want to leave mine to a third party meaning we could both be in a situation where we would be homeless in the event of death. If its signed over to the survivor and we had a life insurance policy covering x amount to pay towards the mortgage to reduce it by the half that the deceased was paying then all would be good. The added complication is that I am needing heart surgery due to a childhood defect so getting life insurance is going to be a mission..... I have a group life policy through work which he is a beneficiary of which I guess may have to do? Basically, I am stuck in quandrey as I feel like people will think im being selfish but I relinquish any responsibility for the children and he knows that, I dont see why they should benefit from me. He can have a separate life insurance payable to them. Is it as straight forward as I think? Legal advise is just a minefield 😫 has anyone been in same position?

But you WILL BE their stepmother. It’s not about whether you “deem yourself” to be so. I’m guessing you’ve never had a stepparent yourself? I had one who loved us and treated us like his own kids and one who didn’t even pretend to care. Life with the one who didn’t care was absolutely shit.

You can’t just marry him and live in his house and ignore the kids. You will be part of their immediate family and how you treat them will affect them for the rest of their lives. Kids aren’t stupid, they will know if you don’t give a shit about them and it will be really uncomfortable for them to be in a house with you.

I can’t believe your fiancée is OK with this.

Finally!!!!!!! I dont have kids to look after or kids to look after me. He is my priority! I would always see him good. To me as long as they are getting something (a life insurance payout) then thats all they need. Being left assets/money isnt/shoudnt be a given. We would have made sacrifices through the years for the kids etc so its good to give back to eachother. We deserve it, we worked for it!

Their mother has made it clear she doesnt want any one (me or anyone else including her partner) to be their step mother. I have no say in their care when they are with us etc. We have requested mediation witn her but she refuses. I have always said I would take a back seat. I am pleasant to them and we do stuff together etc and I enjoy being around them when they aren't playing up or disrespecting my partner. Him and the ex are very different people with different parenting styles. Its all very complicated but ultimately my hands off approach is what she and him want

This is a real having your cake and eating it post isn’t it?

So you get to keep your half, but he has to leave his half to you? Or at least his kids have to wait until you live out your life and expire, like a sitting duck in what should be their inheritance?

And if his ex suddenly dies in the kids have to come and live with you permanently, how do you feel then? You’re not really cut out to be a stepmother are you? And that is what you are.

Think you need to read previous posts re the house situation and also re the care of the kids. Whilst you may not agree with how the set up is, it works for us as a couple and the mother of the children

As I see it - you buy the house as tenants in common which in effect means that you each own half the house.
You both absolutely need to make a will which specifies exactly what happens to your half of the property when you die - presumably your relationship is such that you will each know the other’s wishes.
As I’ve read it, you are wealthier than him so in your case if he died first I’m assuming that if need be you would be able to buy his children out so they (or whoever his beneficiaries are) could have their half of the value reasonably quickly.
It seems likely that if you died first things might be much trickier for him. It’s all very well you saying that as an only child him and his children will be seen right by his parents but I assume you wouldn’t want to see him immediately homeless. That being so your will should allow him to remain in the home for at least a period of time and your half of the value should be placed in trust for your chosen beneficiaries until the property is sold.

Oh god another shitty Father who is with a woman who hates his kids. Those kids are getting nothing. Bringing up their attitude makes no difference to the fact that he is their Father. If they don't respect him it's probably because eof his shitty parenting.

You wouldn't get a choice if their mother died. It's unlikely but you really should be considering the potential possibility.

Oh well as long as it works for you and the mother, who cares if it works FOR THE CHILDREN.

It’s not about whether the mother wants you to be their stepmother. It’s not about whether you want to be a stepmother. You are marrying their father, living in his house with them, you are absolutely going to be their stepmother! And considering this, the dismissive way you’ve been speaking about them is really concerning. If they pick up that you don’t want to be part of their lives and are only there for their dad they will be miserable, and uncomfortable in their own home.

This sounds batshit.

Her “new” partner is going to have custody of them over their own Dad? Because he couldn’t fit it in around his job?! If their mother died he’d be having to change his job to take custody of his children, rather than her new man. Whether you like it or not.

What a load of shite you’re talking Op. you have no understanding of what it means to be a parent.

She doesn't get to choose if the kids have a step mother or not. If your partner moves in with a gf or remarries they ARE a step mother.

It's bonkers to think she can control this any differently.

No its because hes stricter with them and the ex let's them run riot. She also bad mouths the father to them and posts stuff on social media they can see when he has done nothing but support her and the kids single handedly financially for years before they split and continued to do so after. Typical entitled mother who thinks he should pay her every penny. She contributed nothing apart from care for the kids which she was fine with to allow him to have his career. I dont agree with mothers being supported, have kids and go back to work. Shouldn't be up to the man to solely provide. Who he chooses to be with shouldn't have anything to do with the kids. He is with me for me not my parenting

I feel very sorry for these children.

Well you tell her that! She knows she doesnt have a leg to stand on hence declining mediation as she will be told she has to hand over some responsibility to me when they are in my care. She is highly controlling about everything unfortunately

Who he chooses to be with shouldn't have anything to do with the kids.

Good god. You are unbelievable.

You should be nowhere near anyone with children.

Planet earth to planet La La.

If you think a man who would just abandon his kids to someone else to raise because his ex said so before she died, should be a man you run from the hills from.

The kids will be distressed at losing one parent and naturally look to their other parent for reassurance and comfort that can't be provided by a n other.

If he thinks it's ok, he a grade a tosspot. If you think it's ok, you really are a piece of work.

This isnt their home. We only have them 6 days a month. Its mine and his home. It works for the kids too obviously

Their dads home is also their home, even if their time isn’t split exactly 50/50 between the two parents.

It's your partner's job to tell her not mine.

Perhaps he'd like to parent rather than abdicate responsibility and then go "oh it's not my fault" and blame it on her.

He can't be arsed more like. And you are buying his shit.

Red flag alert

The kids might see it differently somehow. If you are not making them feel at home, then you aren't doing a great job at all.

Not my doing it was decided between them two. She knew from having the children that he wouldn't be able to have high care level due to his job. Dont shoot the messenger! If it changed then fine but deal with it at the time a dependant on what he wanted to do

This relationship and house purchase is never going to work I suspect.

I honestly don’t know who is worse, OP or the Dad.

And I bet there’s nothing wrong with the mother at all, all this badmouthing of her is so predictable. Maybe she has issues with them for good reason - five minutes into this thread I’m pretty sure I would if I were her.

He does tell her but as most mums do, she pulls the strings. One foot wrong and she threatens to limit access. She doesnt agree with anything he says ever. We have been together 3 years, I've seen it from the start as they had only split for 1 month when we met. She hasnt changed

A fair bit of what the op is saying doesn’t stack up, and the rest is just vile. Suspect this is a wind up.