Would you pay all the bills, to allow DH to retire?

[retirementislooming]

I'm really torn as to what is the right thing to do here. Would love opinions.

Been with DH for 17 years. He works in a high stress, life or death job, and to be honest, he is close to burn out. It's shift work. He is knackered most of the time. He would like to retire at 55, which is about 2.5 years away.

He would have a lump sum to invest, of circa £72k. But his monthly income from his pension would only be £900pm.

I am going to draw my pension at the same time as him (I'm older). This is a pension I had from an employed position for 27 years, but I am self employed now and will carry on working.

My lump sum, plus other stuff coming to fruition in a couple of years, will mean that by then, I should have £165k lump sum, which I plan to put into NS&I. My pension income will be £1000pm, which I will feed into the NS&I.

My self employed business brings in around £2500-£4000 a month (seasonal).

Our household bills will be £500pm, plus food and alcohol, so about £1000 a month. No commuting, as I WFH, and mortgage will be finished.

So, my question is, even though we have never combined finances, should I support us both with the income from my business?

On the one hand, I feel that if he paid half of the bills, then he would probably have to put in £500pm, only leaving him £400pm left to play with, and this might push him back into work (which I definitely don't want), on the other hand, would I be crazy to pay all the bills from my ongoing self employed business?

I should add, that my business is not hard work particularly, and with him at home, and helping me with it, I would feel semi retired myself.

I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees.

A - he should retire and your business should cover all bills & food

B - he should contribute

Another salient point, is that he is due to inherit substantially in the future. At which point we could go back to 50/50, but this won't be for many years yet (by the looks of things).

Lastly, we do not share children. Mine are grown and flown. He has none.

@retirementislooming your husband needs to contribute to your household whichever figure you would be happy to accept and not be resentful.

I would help out yes but I'd be asking him if he could try and find a part time desk job to help out with the bills. 3 or 4 times a week maybe. I'm 63 and work full time in the NHS, I'd love to just give up work but it isn't an option.

I'll say the same on here as I did on your other thread. It's fine for him to "retire" from this job but he needs to get another job. He simply can't afford to live on his pension and as a grown ass man with no disabilities, he should not expect another person, even his wife to financially support him.

I would say this even if the sexes were reversed, even if he wasn't a spendthrift etc.

All those details are irrelevant. He needs to get another job to support himself. Even if it is part time or seasonal or whatever to allow you to go on nice holidays in the winter.

I would. But my dh’s wages allowed me to work part time for a few years when the dc were little and spend more time with them so I’d consider it giving something back. I think if you love someone and care deeply for them then you do what you can to make their life a little easier. But obviously you have to balance this carefully with what your family can afford and future considerations. If he isn’t willing to share his inheritance then I would think very carefully about how you work as a team financially before committing to anything.

I would. Theres nothing stopping him getting something part time to bring some coin in if he gets bored.

He should do something to keep himself active and thinking. I worked in assisted living and all they do is sit and wait for food and pills. Can he invest in a franchise?

He should work on for a few more years, possibly in a new job. He can't finance his share at the moment, so it's unreasonable. And 55 is pretty young.

Nooo, he has never said that. He has said the opposite if anything - like he would pay off the mortgage and buy me a brand new car etc, and believe me he would!! But I am going to finish the mortgage myself, as I don't want any lines blurring there. It would be entirely different, if I didn't have kids to consider. But I do have adult children and their inheritance to think about. He is probably one of the most generous people I've ever met. Probably why he had money problems when we met. 😆

Having read this my thoughts are now fuck that. I supported my ex husband for 20 years like this and 5 years ago he just walked out and I never saw him again. Don't be a mug like I was.

This seems unrealistic.

You don't want him to take a part-time job because it'll impact on your travel plans.

You won't pay for him to travel.

He will have a much-reduced income and is a spender.

You'll be travelling by yourself anyway; you may as well help him find part-time work.

Look at this from the other side.......if it were you wouldn't you want your OH to support you?
If he is close to burn-out then let hime retire and get a PT less stressful job, many people do. And enjoy your marriage

No, there are too many people in their late 40s and early 50s not bothering to work purely because they can't be bothered and it's damaging the country.

He should get a job he loves or go self-employed.

In these situations isn't it normally a MN thing to work out all outgoings and split how much each pays towards them by percentage of earnings.

It was clear from the previous thread he can’t afford to retire at 55. He still needs to supplement his income with a part time job. You say that’s not convenient due to the travel planned but he wont be able to afford his share of travel costs anyway. If that’s the case you’ve answered your question and you will be paying for most things. If you’re fine with that then that’s ok. If not, you’ll have to suggest he gets a part-time job. Have you discussed his lack of funds for retiring early?

He is also a prolific spender and not a saver so the chances of him being able to survive on his 900/month is pretty low.

I would definitely support this. Working in a high stress environment may kill him sooner than retirement. Giving him permission to retire will make the next few years more bearable for him.

i don’t think you need to be so prescriptive of what parts of your finance you need to pay. Instead, I would look at your whole income and outgoings and both make a fair contribution. He would expect to have a financial hit,with early retirement and you could offset this somewhat by taking his contribution to your business as decreasing his share.

I would start by immediately telling him you support him and agreeing that at a later date, when you have more exact figures, you can work out the details. I would imagine this will come as a huge sense of relief to him.

OK, so what I'd do, if you believe he will step up with your work and around the house, did do to some extent with DH, although we were much younger, is:

Encourage him to retire on the understanding that he will take on most household responsibilities and support your business when you need it. This is very dependent on him being a man who will actually do that, not just say he will do that.

Invest the pension lump sum jointly, with me having enough control to make sure it's not frittered away.

Pay the bills and pool the rest so you've equal spending power. I known it won't work for everyone but we did that in a joint account that we had equal access to. In theory he could have spent the lot, but he also knew I could see what he was spending.

We reached this situation be cause lovely kind and supportive DH couldn't control his spending and was doing a job that was "killing" him, so I encouraged him to take some time out. He did go back to work and later became the bigger breadwinner, but he was much younger than your DH.

Why does it have to be him paying 50/50 on bills or you paying them all why not pay proportional to income into a separate account that is solely for bills and food, so if it needs a 1000 and he has 900 and you have 3000 he earns 25% so contributes 25%. There is no way he can contribute 50/50and then afford to travel for months.
He maybe able to get seasonal work like gardening so would be free to sun seek in winter or a zero hours contract where he can just not be available for several weeks so long as upfront with this it should be fine or self employed handy man there are always folks looking for people to do small jobs like putting shelves or curtain rails up put together IKEA furniture etc

Can you grow your business so it can support him as an employee? That way he gets flexible part time work, your business generates more and you can both go on holiday when you like.

You can’t have it all ways. You don’t want him to get a part time job as you want him to travel with you, but yet you won’t help him pay for the travel. This all sounds very unfair, you are married and supposed to be a partnership. Pool your money and both enjoy a good standard of living with the travel you want. Either that or he gets a part time job and you don’t travel together in the way you want.

Bear in mind that he'd have his pension already - so would need much less monthly income to make up the shortfall. My DH is earning the same on 0.5 WTE as he was full time because of his pension.

Working won’t necessarily stop your holidays. As long as he is not proud, he could sign on a a temp. Employers would fall over them selves to give someone with his background work.

I’d be really irritated to essentially fund another person. He’s really too young to retire and do what? I think a different job less stress, possibly part time, should be the goal here. If he made even just £1k a month it’d be enough with the £900 to live on, have holidays etc as bills are low. If he retires he can pay bills/ food but you are going to cover a lot holidays , a car, events, or feel unable to go as he can’t afford it. If he doesn’t want to work I’d reconsider the relationship. I’d want an equal as opposed to a cock lodger.

I could sort of see your point until this post.

You want your cake and eat it.

You can’t be grumpy he wont have enough money to pay for trips etc etc and at the same time be grumpy he is working part time because it would impact your travelling plans.

There doesn’t seem to be a real partnership going there tbh.

it's too much of a drop in income in one go. By all means do some travelling but then he should take a part-time job or some volunteering. He'll be bored stiff and spend even more money on tat otherwise. If your work is 3 hours a day it doesn't really sound like you need help with it either.

He definitely is not too young to retire. It is becoming more common. It. Just needs absolute honesty, trust and clear communication between you to make it work.