Would you pay all the bills, to allow DH to retire?

[retirementislooming]

I'm really torn as to what is the right thing to do here. Would love opinions.

Been with DH for 17 years. He works in a high stress, life or death job, and to be honest, he is close to burn out. It's shift work. He is knackered most of the time. He would like to retire at 55, which is about 2.5 years away.

He would have a lump sum to invest, of circa £72k. But his monthly income from his pension would only be £900pm.

I am going to draw my pension at the same time as him (I'm older). This is a pension I had from an employed position for 27 years, but I am self employed now and will carry on working.

My lump sum, plus other stuff coming to fruition in a couple of years, will mean that by then, I should have £165k lump sum, which I plan to put into NS&I. My pension income will be £1000pm, which I will feed into the NS&I.

My self employed business brings in around £2500-£4000 a month (seasonal).

Our household bills will be £500pm, plus food and alcohol, so about £1000 a month. No commuting, as I WFH, and mortgage will be finished.

So, my question is, even though we have never combined finances, should I support us both with the income from my business?

On the one hand, I feel that if he paid half of the bills, then he would probably have to put in £500pm, only leaving him £400pm left to play with, and this might push him back into work (which I definitely don't want), on the other hand, would I be crazy to pay all the bills from my ongoing self employed business?

I should add, that my business is not hard work particularly, and with him at home, and helping me with it, I would feel semi retired myself.

I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees.

A - he should retire and your business should cover all bills & food

B - he should contribute

Another salient point, is that he is due to inherit substantially in the future. At which point we could go back to 50/50, but this won't be for many years yet (by the looks of things).

Lastly, we do not share children. Mine are grown and flown. He has none.

I think you need to decide if you are a partnership. I can't see how a marriage works where one has so much more spending power than the other. You either need to decide you're comfortable with supporting him/taking care of him and providing the life you want for both of you, or you not. But if your not, why are you married?

How long are you planning on working to support you both? Until state pension age? How long is that?

It seems as though you'll be accessing your private pensions early(?), basically to subsidise his early retirement.

I get wanting to be able to go abroad over winter, but that sounds like you'll be condemning him to a lifetime of being at a loose end just to keep himself available for long winter holidays. And will you be able to afford all this travel on only one salary? What about saving for house maintenance etc?

@retirementislooming are you moneyponders on the other thread??

Can't he just join you for 6 weeks then? Or find something more flexible - freelance, or zero hours? Has he actually even tried looking for anything?

This is what I am starting to think myself, tbh. I think because we've had 17 years of separate finances, it feels weird, to suddenly think of it being me paying for all the bills and food. But also, he's my DH, I love him, and I want him to be able to walk away from this horrible job, as soon as he can. I want him home and safe. I want us to be able to go away for a few months in winter. I want freedom for us to travel whilst we are still young enough to go places.

On your other thread, you have said:

'He was in dreadful financial difficulties when we met. He lived with me rent free for a few years, so I could help him. I also paid off some loans of his. I have also paid for everything in the home, all repairs etc. I also pay for all meals out, takeaways and treats. We actually earn the exact same amount, even though we are in very different jobs. But I don’t spend a lot on frivolities and I save a lot, whereby he is a spender, we have multiple things delivered to the house every week, he buys stupid shit, like metal detectors, exercise balls, kites,… A load of crap that never gets used and gets thrown in the garage. If I shared my money with him, it would be gone in a heartbeat.'

You have also said that he won't be sharing his £72,000 lump sum or his £2 million inheritance with you. So it seems like the support and generosity is all going one way, from you to him.

He can't afford to retire at the moment. Why can't he look for a part-time, hopefully much less stressful job so that he can still contribute to the family finances?

This. I can’t help but think this thread would be different if it were him earning and you wanting to retire. You’d very clearly get told you’re married and of course he should pay

I think it’s unreasonable for anyone. Yes, people may not be able to do their job due to physical/other limitations, but retiring at 55yo, or any age when you are physically able to do some work is unreasonable.

I couldn’t continue in my career at a point due to age/physical limitations, and was able to retire age wise but as I was able to work in general, I swapped out for a desk role in a different line of work where I could transfer my skillset. I WFH more than counterparts due to age 😁.

Appreciate there are roles where people may not have transferable skillsets per se. I know of two people in this situation, one picked up work in a chain hardware at the paint desk working half days for a few weekdays and one full day on the weekend. They need these sorts of people as younger folk with young families don’t want to work weekends, but days of the week make little difference when in your older years. Hardest thing was putting paint cans on the shaker to mix the tints, which they said was a doddle.

Another picked up work at a historic site that included accomodation spread out. They employed people of retirement age only to drive very small shuttle buses around the site for people who didn’t want to/couldn’t walk between points of interest, restaurant etc. Shifts were half days only, pick your number of days over 7 days. Several shuttle buses operated at once as large site. Again, these are not jobs that younger people want, pay is on the basic side. Those are two examples but they know people doing other similar retirement jobs where career skills were not transferrable.

There should be no need for people to retire unless they get to a point where health will truly not allow it even decreasing part time work incrementally. Plenty of options for any situation, people just need to have the mentality that they should continue to contribute to society to work until absolutely not viable.

Can he decide to go on bank/seasonal contracts etc?
I don’t think it’s good for anyone’s mental health to go from a highly stressful job to 0.

(I’d also want my kids to have money left to inherit.)

It seems unfair for you to keep working if he’s retiring this young.
There’s got to be something he can be involved in.

Could he get a part time job stacking shelves? I know a lot of people who left high stress jobs to do this before retirement keeps some income coming in.

Why can't he look for a part-time, hopefully much less stressful job so that he can still contribute to the family finances?

Because OP wants him available to go abroad for a few months of the year. Not sure how they're going to afford that, but hey ho.

Tell him you agree, as you said no mortgage, a time to travel while both well, a happier husband.
All your talking about is £500 a month, and you said your work is not stressful.
Sometimes you need to see he risked his life for years.

Yes I would do; could you live on less and cut down on your work so you have more free time?
It’s not clear what you spend your excess income on so hard for an outsider to comment as you look fairly comfortable.

Apologies for 2 threads. I felt like I didn't give enough context before, like what lump sums we would have, so I went away and worked that all out.

It's not that he "won't share", I just meant that these sums would be in our own accounts (as we do not have a joint account). I have no doubt that when he inherits, he will be extremely generous, as that is 100% in his nature.

We are not in England, so if we were to split up, he would be able to keep his inheritance and I would keep my house (opposite of how it works in England). Not that that's on the cards (!) we are very happy.

I want him to be able to walk away from this horrible job, as soon as he can. I want him home and safe.

So why wait 2.5 years until he's 55? Get a different job now. Or is he only entitled to his work pension at 55 if he continues in the role until that age?

OK I'm going to ignore the back story for now and concentrate on your OP.

My DH was in a similar position. He retired and took three months off. It was like a 'firebreak' for his mental health. He then went back 0.5 WTE. He's a new person.

It's worked really well for us. As to the wider issues - I won't comment.

£900 pm is clearly not enough to live on. On that basis, the choices are either you pay or he keeps working. You don't seem to be able to accept that reality.

In answer to your question in the OP, yes if it were me I would pay the bills. Fair enough if you don't want to do that.

I don't understand why you are so opposed to him getting a part time job. It sounds like that's what he would prefer.

I know you say you want to travel, but he only has a certain amount of annual leave now and that wouldn't change. If you want extended visits with your dc, why can't he come with you for part of the time?

I would only do this, if the lump sum from his pension was transferred over to me so I can save it and invest it.

This actually could be an option. He could go back to working at the same place after taking his pension, but on reduced hours. Many others have done this. I don't think he would want to though! The role he is in just now, you cannot continue after 60. He doesn't want to quit now, as he's on £50k. Would be hard to find anything near that with no stress, I guess.

I remember your other thread and my response was given your separate finances, that you brought assets to the marriage that benefited him, the fact that you've bailed him out a lot, and that he spends a lot on cars and crap, was that you shouldn't have to financially support him while he's still only 55!

However the fact that you now say you don't want him to get another job because it will interfere with his availability for holidays puts a rather different complexion on the issue.

Either he doesn't work and is fully available and you share your income/subsidise his share of the household expenses.

Or he gets a part time low stress job and you accept he only has 6 weeks hols (though part time could allow a bit more flex).

Either way he needs to stop spending so much on crap. Have you raised that with him? He may have assumed you'll cover all the expenses and he'll get to spend £900 a month on crap!

Oh wow. Scrub what I said, if he stands to inherit and ha made it clear he won't be sharing then don't even think about it.

The lump sum should be considered joint money too, if your earning are.

So why are you married?

Can he invest his lump sum and save for the next few years to put it into something that generates him an income - like a holiday property for example?

One of my ex military friends retired I his 50s with a similar pension and topped it up with seasonal work (groundskeeper for a golf club) could he look into something like this to top up his pension but still leave him free to travel in Winter?

I'd be inclined to still want a contribution to bills to be honest, given the other information on his spending.

I think the issue is that he overspends. Hence has far less savings/preparation for the future in place.

Fwiw, I'm about to take very early retirement. I'll see how it goes financially, but my back up plan is to do casual part time work, rather than a PT job, precisely so I can take extended leave when I want to travel.

Yes, I've told him not to buy crap! To be honest, he would have to be very careful going forward, because that £900pm would have to cover any trips we take. I'm not happy to pay for both of us to travel.