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Original poster

DH and money -How can I get through to him that young children are expensive?

511 replies

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:27

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

OP posts:
JustFeedMeCake · 09/02/2025 19:27

@imsureiusedto sorry if that upset you but, I didn't call YOU weird, at all. Please read what I wrote. I said it's weird, as in the situation is weird. For what it's worth, I think it's incredibly unfair on both you and the children and I think that you deserve better than this.

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 19:28

sallyanne33 · 09/02/2025 19:23

I may have misunderstood OP's reply, but a PP asked about the mortgage here.

Show quote history

?

@mitogoshigg I am sure. I don’t think I’m blameless and I’m making no proclamations to be. I’m pretty resigned to everything by now.

OP posts:
Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 19:29

JustFeedMeCake · 09/02/2025 19:27

@imsureiusedto sorry if that upset you but, I didn't call YOU weird, at all. Please read what I wrote. I said it's weird, as in the situation is weird. For what it's worth, I think it's incredibly unfair on both you and the children and I think that you deserve better than this.

Yeah I know you did. It’s weird, how you live is weird. No you weren’t calling me weird. I wasn’t saying you’re weird or odd or peculiar, just saying how you live is. Sure. OK.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/02/2025 19:30

@mitogoshigg why should the op have to scrimp and save on the level of JOINT disposable income they have when her DH has a flash mega bucks car and expensive hobby?

0ohLarLar · 09/02/2025 19:32

Ok am i being daft here? Your set up is a bit mad but i can see why he might be worried about spending.

If he pays the mortgage and bills, and you know your regular outgoings are less, why are you ever falling short & having to get extra from him?

Not that you shouldn't be entitled to family money but I wonder if as a family your shared income doesn't go as far as either of you expect it to.

I suspect if you paid your share of mortgage & bills, and he paid his share of children's costs, there'd be less left than you think. You need to sit down together and compare notes on what's being spent.

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 19:37

Life, I suppose. Sometimes there’s an expensive month.

OP posts:
Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 19:39

RandomMess · 09/02/2025 19:30

@mitogoshigg why should the op have to scrimp and save on the level of JOINT disposable income they have when her DH has a flash mega bucks car and expensive hobby?

Do you actually think £1,650 on some of the food shopping, toiletries then clothes and activities for a 4 and 1 year old and personal spending is scrimping and saving?

RandomMess · 09/02/2025 19:40

@0ohLarLar yes but her DH won't do that and instead expects has a constant dig about even essentials from the supermarket. Clearly the COL has bypassed this man.

He's so selfish the fact op had to get into debt to fund mat leave also bypassed. No idea how he thought the op was paying for things once her paid leave ran out because he didn't care so long as he wasn't affected.

Quitelikeit · 09/02/2025 19:40

Op

I wonder if he is resenting paying the mortgage and bills - the shocking thing is that the cost of living has hit everyone and more so you especially due to the costs you are covering

I know some couples do operate separately with their finances and it can work very well

but you have not got an easy deal by paying for childcare and food plus all children’s activities- in actual fact your food and childcare bill are equal to the mortgage

I’m not sure the split is as fair as you think it is

You are not a fool and nor are you stupid

He is just deeply resentful

I mean equally he is also probably paying out a fair whack each month but it seems that he is looking in your direction when he is feeling the pinch and that is not fair on you

If my husband operated like yours we would be leading two different lives economically which just isn’t really fair or sustainable in a marriage

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 09/02/2025 19:41

OP you sound like you're on the very end of your last shredded nerve.
Can you hang on feeling like this until DC start nursery? I'm a bit worried that you can't.
You are seeing personal attacks in posts where there are none. You say yourself that you are finding your husband's personal attacks on you very hard to cope with, and I wonder if that's why you are so defensive/reactive here.
You accept the financial set-up, you just want your DH to stop the snide remarks. So if they only stop for a short while and then start up again, what can you do or say AT THAT POINT to stop your DH from reverting to his old ways? What have you tried if anything? He will only change if you change your reaction to him. Counselling (just for you) could really help you with this. You need to alter the dynamic between you, and we can't see what that is, we only know that it is not working well for you as it is. And he won't change unless you change.

0ohLarLar · 09/02/2025 19:42

But you can't have an "expensive month" if you can't afford to

It sounds like you think you earn loads but 3 days a week of a teaching salary +what your DH earns isn't a huge income, unless you live in a cheaper part of the country. My sibling & their spouse have similar in the south east and are really struggling, they have to absolutely watch every penny and the mortgage rate rises nearly broke them. They certainly can't afford nicer cars, for example, or soft play twice a week.

RandomMess · 09/02/2025 19:42

@Completelyjo less the £800 childcare, less the debt from her mat leave, less the monthly food and household bill for all of them.

The point I was making is why should the op sacrifice all the nice stuff for her DC whilst her DH carries on as if he were single?

Perhaps he could get a less flashy car and spend less on his expensive hobby and not laugh at paying the gardener £300 rather than £100. I mean he could have cut the hedge himself.

Choux · 09/02/2025 19:43

@Completelyjo no that wouldn't be scrimping but that £1,600 also has to cover a debt that the DH doesn't know about. So he probably thinks she is a fritterer and tries to let her know when he thinks there is unnecessary spending.

0ohLarLar · 09/02/2025 19:44

Op are you married? Actually?

Does your DH realise if you are that that means your assets are shared anyway when married?

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 19:44

OP can you a see how he can even comment on your spending this often if you have separate accounts? I’m really confused by this. If you don’t talk money and can’t possibly down down and discuss finances then surely he’s not going through your accounts?
But then how can he pass comment on everything or anything for that matter?
How would he even know?

Does he expect you to be putting some money aside on your income and is frustrated your not so then comments every time he sees a spend that he views as frivolous?

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 19:45

If he is @Quitelikeit all I can say is it hasn’t been communicated to me. It was him urging me to drop some hours next year which is why the whole thing is frustrating.

I’m defensive because I’ve been accused of some unpleasant things; it does make you like that. I really don’t want counselling. But thank you.

@Completelyjo but it isn’t. At the moment the majority of that goes on trying to repay some debts, not that I ever do, it’s just circular. I think you’re underestimating the cost of childcare and the cost of food and so on massively to be honest. I’m not suggesting I’m living in poverty but I certainly don’t have over a thousand pounds every month.

OP posts:
Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 19:48

What he expects @Completelyjo is that I pay for everything for me and for the children out of my salary.

Childcare
Swimming
Classes
Food
Cleaning products
clothes
shoes
my hair / waxing / any social activities
fuel
parking

Out of the above childcare is obviously the biggie. It’s just under £1000 a month.

Then swimming is £130. Insurance (home and car) is £70 so that’s another £200. I could give more detail but honestly you just keep going on about how much I spend so I’m not sure what the point even is.

OP posts:
Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 19:49

0ohLarLar · 09/02/2025 19:42

But you can't have an "expensive month" if you can't afford to

It sounds like you think you earn loads but 3 days a week of a teaching salary +what your DH earns isn't a huge income, unless you live in a cheaper part of the country. My sibling & their spouse have similar in the south east and are really struggling, they have to absolutely watch every penny and the mortgage rate rises nearly broke them. They certainly can't afford nicer cars, for example, or soft play twice a week.

Well yes but you can’t drive with a popped tyre, you can’t not pay a bill and so on. This is what an expensive month is, it isn’t like I’ve decided to wander round selfridges with my friends and saw an item of clothing I fancied Hmm

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 09/02/2025 19:52

What do you want then, if not advice that counselling or an ultimatum are probably your only options?

You asked how to make your H realise something. But you can't make him realise anything if he won't listen to you.

Hairyfairy01 · 09/02/2025 19:53

Are you legally married OP?

Is your name on the house deeds?

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 19:54

Well, I’m not sure we can be illegally married Hmm Yes, we are married.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 09/02/2025 19:55

How much are you paying for food. I spend about £650pcm for dh and me, dd whose here about three nights and a family dinner for 4-6 on Sundays.

Frankly, I think of less was going on coffees, Ice creams, soft play and lunch, you probably could treat yourself every month from Selfridges.

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 19:58

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 19:49

Well yes but you can’t drive with a popped tyre, you can’t not pay a bill and so on. This is what an expensive month is, it isn’t like I’ve decided to wander round selfridges with my friends and saw an item of clothing I fancied Hmm

Show quote history

Could you cut back on a couple of trips / meals out a month and put a small amount into savings that you can draw down on when you have an expensive month?

Won’t solve the husband problem, but might give you a bit more leeway.

Hercisback1 · 09/02/2025 20:01

Is there anything you can stop doing that would affect him, because "it's too much"?

You do the food shop, play him at his own game.

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 20:02

Actually @Hercisback1 has a good idea. Surely there’s something expensive he likes, but sadly there just isn’t the budget…