Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

DH and money -How can I get through to him that young children are expensive?

511 replies

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:27

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

OP posts:
CrispieCake · 09/02/2025 21:03

I feel for you, OP. Such a joyless approach to life.

The one thing I'd do (because I'm rather petty) would be stop buying any groceries/food for your DH and tell him there's a can of beans (own brand, not Heinz) in the cupboard and some bread and you're economising. Hopefully he'll approve of that as he munches own brand beans.

You're right that he's not looking after the pounds for the pennies. A divorce, for example, will prove much more expensive than a few lunches out and the occasional soft play trip. It's an odd thing to torpedo your marriage over.

LittleBearPad · 09/02/2025 21:03

Tiswa · 09/02/2025 21:01

Hold on he earns so much and he worries about being bankrupt and has you in debt and won’t even contemplate anything joint and says unpleasant things to you and considers his children to be a drain

Show quote history

He’s a prince among men!

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 21:05

LittleBearPad · 09/02/2025 21:03

I’m doing the same with my bonus. To complain about it would be rather ‘my diamond shoes are too tight’.

He sounds unpleasant OP. I’m amazed you can still be attracted to him. I’d send him out to Tesco’s.

Show quote history

He isn’t in day to day life and it’s actually really sad the way he’s become. I do think a lot of the stock responses have become habits that are entrenched. I also think he isn’t used to not having money (whereas I am!)

OP posts:
Swirlingceilings · 09/02/2025 21:06

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 20:47

@NoSquirrels I think the main thing I’ve taken away is that I’m not alone. It has sort of been lost in the bickering on the thread but many posters have said things like ‘yes, my DH does that too, I deal with it by’ and it does help.

Things are tough because DH earns close to (but not quite) £100,000. In a couple of weeks he will get a bonus of around £12,000 which he will have to put most of into a pension pot because otherwise he’ll be over the £100,000 he needs to stay under for childcare. I’ve never had that much money but I can imagine that stings like a … jellyfish (don’t like the original saying) and is frustrating. But it’s also not forever and I keep repeating myself on this. In 2027, both children will be in school, no childcare costs, I will work more, he can keep his bonus, things will not be as they are now. But it’s horrible feeling like you and your children are this massive drain and maybe that’s not what he means to make me feel but he does.

I am really sorry you feel attacked on this thread and I hope my post didn’t add to that feeling.

gently though, you are being financially abused if you’re DP takes home 4.5k and only pays the mortgage and bills from that, leaving him with 2k a month spare. Meanwhile your 2k earnings are almost entirely spent on the kids and food. I don’t think you’re profligate, I think to be saving money for them whilst paying off debts and paying for everything else means you’re doing really well.

honestly, I think your DP is getting angry as a deflection tactic because he likes the fact that his outgoings haven’t altered since the kids arrived, only yours have. When you ask for a small contribution he gets angry with you and fundamentally that is selfish and financially abusive because he isn’t paying for his kids, you are. You’re feeding them, clothing them and paying for their childcare (or doing it yourself on your days off work).

you are not a fool for being in this situation, I can completely see how it’s easy to get into this situation and why you can’t force your DH to suddenly become reasonable. Ultimately, only you can decide if you want to accept it or not or if you want more equality financially.

if you do plan to leave though, get your ducks in a row as mumsnet says and certainly register a notice of home rights with the land registry to stop it being sold without your consent should you divorce.

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 21:15

@Swirlingceilings i was starting to feel attacked but I am bit more chilled now the kids are in bed! The endless ‘don’t understand / weird / you’re a fool’ posts were getting to me a bit.

I do know what you mean and I’m aware of it but I don’t actually think DH is. I think he sometimes is aware and then feels bad and ashamed but also can’t help himself and blurts things out.

Hopefully things will get better and improve. We just have to wait and see.

OP posts:
seven201 · 09/02/2025 21:16

I'm a 3 day a week teacher too with one in nursery and one at school. The school age one costs £20 per day for wraparound childcare, which does quickly add up. Your dh does sound infuriating. My dh earns a similar wage to me but is full time. I sort of have the opposite problem in that he's always suggesting a takeaway or having lunch while we're out so I'm always the boring one saying "we did that last weekend so can't today". But you as a family sound like you can afford to enjoy that kind of stuff. Being criticised for every little thing I bought would really piss me off. I have no words of advice, but you're allowed to have a vent,

ThisAmusedCrab · 09/02/2025 21:23

I give up. He’s put £12,000 in his pension. He’s £12k richer than you in that sense. Meanwhile, you’re in debt. You’re getting angry at strangers, not your husband.

Hercisback1 · 09/02/2025 21:24

ThisAmusedCrab · 09/02/2025 21:23

I give up. He’s put £12,000 in his pension. He’s £12k richer than you in that sense. Meanwhile, you’re in debt. You’re getting angry at strangers, not your husband.

À MEN.

Swirlingceilings · 09/02/2025 21:30

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 21:15

@Swirlingceilings i was starting to feel attacked but I am bit more chilled now the kids are in bed! The endless ‘don’t understand / weird / you’re a fool’ posts were getting to me a bit.

I do know what you mean and I’m aware of it but I don’t actually think DH is. I think he sometimes is aware and then feels bad and ashamed but also can’t help himself and blurts things out.

Hopefully things will get better and improve. We just have to wait and see.

I hope so for your sake, but unless you demand that finances are sorted so that you have equal amounts of money to spend on yourselves (not the kids) you will continue to be financially abused as he racks up thousands in savings. I would put money on him having lots saved unless he spends 2k a month on his hobby.

RosesAndHellebores · 09/02/2025 21:36

Hang on a minute. I earn more than the op's dh. Why is he only taking home £4,500? Student loan?

I get the bit about the bonus and the pension. Assuming the op is in the TPS her pension scheme is second to none.

Tiswa · 09/02/2025 21:44

The fact that he earns 100k is having a bonus coming and you earn well as wel and he is afraid of financial ruin (given that he has never experienced financial issues) is odd and concerning

blueshoes · 09/02/2025 21:48

Crushed23 · 09/02/2025 14:54

Having read some of the updates, I'm going to have to agree with PP: you should walk away from this marriage because it clearly isn't serving you. You have the means to go it alone and CMS will mean your DH finally pays his fair share for his children.

Since divorce is one of the options on your mind, it might be worthwhile to consult a divorce lawyer to see how much you will get on a divorce and whether he gets a share of your property and how much he has to pay in maintenance. You may not want his money but you should nevertheless see how much you are entitled to as a negotiating tactic.

This man only understands money. Therefore, the only way to get it through to him is for the knowledge to sink in for him that a divorce will take him to the cleaners and also end up doing childcare if he does not play fair in this marriage.

Is he employed? If so, it is difficult for him to hide his earnings. Can you start gathering details of his bank accounts?

Don't threaten divorce. Just lie low until you have got your information and consulted the divorce lawyer. If you tip him off, he will start to conceal his assets and pay.

Is your name on the mortgaged property that is the matrimonial home?

DingDingRound3 · 09/02/2025 21:52

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 14:38

I think at the moment it isn’t abuse but I can see how it could become so.

The poster did say she’d nearly left and I have thought about it. But my main worry is that I’m reducing my hours again next year. And this is where it is so frustrating. DH is happy for me to work less when it means he doesn’t have to worry about childcare but not so much when he has to pay for things.

You’re mad. Sort this or stay at work.

Choux · 09/02/2025 22:03

RosesAndHellebores · 09/02/2025 21:36

Hang on a minute. I earn more than the op's dh. Why is he only taking home £4,500? Student loan?

I get the bit about the bonus and the pension. Assuming the op is in the TPS her pension scheme is second to none.

This. Using this tax calculator a gross salary of £95k is a take home pay of £5,471 a month.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/tax-calculator/

Now maybe he is putting some into his pension which is tax efficient if you are a 40% tax payer (although not if it leaves your wife in debt and you ,marriage in tatters because you are so miserly with her).

With a £5.5k take home pay and a £1.5k mortgage he has £4K left for council tax, utilities, some food, car and hobby and... that's a lot of money leftover for the expensive hobby and whatever else.

JustFeedMeCake · 09/02/2025 22:09

Yeah I know you did. It’s weird, how you live is weird. No you weren’t calling me weird. I wasn’t saying you’re weird or odd or peculiar, just saying how you live is. Sure. OK

OP, the above from you is a bit childish. I had already apologised and said I thought it was very unfair on you and that you deserved better. You've had plenty of great advice from other posters and have been rather snippy with some. Surely you knew that people would see your situation as " unusual" you could maybe be a bit more receptive. Hope you sort it out.

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 22:12

@RosesAndHellebores you answered your own question, I think: you earn more.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 09/02/2025 22:13

DingDingRound3 · 09/02/2025 21:52

You’re mad. Sort this or stay at work.

Show quote history

Why are you reducing hours? Absolutely don’t. If he has to work around doing pick up so he should

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 22:13

For school drop offs and pick ups.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 09/02/2025 22:15

@imsureiusedto I would be slightly concerned if he's feeling skint on that level of income after stuff he pays ( unless he has an absolutely enormous car lease payment) that he's got not just an expensive hobby but an expensive 'habit' too ( although not sure what) or a lot of hidden debt -can you see his bank statements/card statements etc ? Is he secretive?

RosesAndHellebores · 09/02/2025 22:18

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 22:12

@RosesAndHellebores you answered your own question, I think: you earn more.

Yes, I phrased that badly but I only earn a little bit more (103k) and my net is closer to £5,500. There is something amiss if your dh is only clearing £4000/£4500.

ThisAmusedCrab · 09/02/2025 22:22

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 22:13

For school drop offs and pick ups.

He earns £100k, he can pay for childcare

Tiswa · 09/02/2025 22:27

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 22:13

For school drop offs and pick ups.

Of course so he still gets to do everything and you reduce your hours to cover but are still expected to meet all the financial requirements because he won’t share because it is his

You need to properly sort this all out OP really as this isn’t good at all

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 22:33

RosesAndHellebores · 09/02/2025 22:18

Yes, I phrased that badly but I only earn a little bit more (103k) and my net is closer to £5,500. There is something amiss if your dh is only clearing £4000/£4500.

Show quote history

There is nothing amiss, he just doesn’t earn as much as you do. I haven’t said at any point he earns £95,000.

OP posts:
DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 09/02/2025 22:53

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 22:33

There is nothing amiss, he just doesn’t earn as much as you do. I haven’t said at any point he earns £95,000.

Show quote history

You said he earns close to, but not quite £100k. So £95k was a fair guess by a poster, and is why people were thinking £4k take home didn’t add up.

To be honest your numbers and who covers what have been all over the place on this thread. That might be because you’re finding posting, and processing it all while you do, stressful. Understandable. But if it’s actually an indication that you’re not really sure where either of your incomes are going, then it just cements the larger problem.

RosesAndHellebores · 09/02/2025 22:55

Do forgive me. I thought you said he was putting £12k into his pension to avoid going over £100,000. I mistakenly took that to mean he would be on about £95/£99k but perhaps he's on 89k? Even so, I'd have thought that would come in closer to £5k than £4k.