And no need to go all the way to St James's Park to have a flappy pigeon crap on you from a great height. Simply make your way to Solihull and a brief train ride and 3 hour hike from the station brings you to a location where all sorts of crap will rain down upon you from the vultures disguised as flappy pigeons circling above you. Eeek!!
@BSIntolerant That train that Scamaloupolos is so keen on, do you think it has a special platform at Birmingham New Street a bit like Harry Potter's magic platform in London?
"The 1313h train to Warthogs is departing from Platform Eleven-Billionty. Every carriage has a six figure number, as does every seat. Book your third class ticket for the beginning of a new term at the School of Magical Thinking which is at the end of the line and you'll know when we've arrived as we will hit the buffers.
We have a new campus this term and we want to emphasise that there is to be no running in the corridors or talking to pupils from other schools who seem to be hanging about in our new campus claiming it's their campus. Do not try to sell them magic potions that turn out not to be magic at all. Do not invite them to join your economics lesson where we use special calculators that only do addition and have no subtraction button. We do not want pupils educated in other establishments questioning our curriculum.
We expect you to do a lot of homework in your pockets of time. We are of course there to support you and if you fail your O Levels you only have yourself to blame and it's your own time you've been wasting.
The Modern Languages Department is available after school hours and this is where you can read the first page of a Spanish phrase book or learn how not to ask too many questions in any language. The Geography department is teaching a module on the alps and there will be a field trip where we will hike right across India on a Friday afternoon to visit the Swiss alps. Biology this term will have an empty module about the human brain. No special equipment is needed but do turn up in a white lab coat and big glasses so you look all sciencey. The English Department has a variety of manifesting books available to borrow and a selection of punctuation for pupils to scatter about. There will be a talk from Mr Worre about writing fiction and Head Girl of VI firm this year (Miss Uber) will read her essay to the pupils in assembly. We are very proud of her essay which she wrote using the blood of the pupils in the lower years.
No pupil may keep cash in their locker. Please hand all pocket money to this (and every) year's prefect Miss Bloodsucker. At the end of the term you can ask for your money back from Prefect Bloodsucker and she will exchange it for empty promises and a Certificate of Gullibility.
We regret to say there was some very bad behaviour during the summer term when a certain pupil claimed she had won all the end of term prizes and then had a fight in the old school tent with some fellow Vth formers and a prefect. She is now standing in the corner and we'd really rather no one spoke to her.
This year's Sports Day will take place in June. The main event, the Race to the Bottom will just involve the lower years this year. Prizes will be awarded by the prefects to themselves as they already know they have come first. The Headmaster will be entering the Sack race on his own and the Headmaster from our richer sister school in the US will be deciding the outcome of that. There is no parents race this year now that Miss Castle has left the school and taken her parents' finances with her.
Finally, can we remind you all that broomsticks must be parked at a public car park in a nearby county".