Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

[Ells2024]

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

Oh my god, what an arsehole! WTF wasn’t this discussed and an agreement made before the baby was born? Backdate his half of everything from the point he moved in

Tell him to leave and apply for maintance via CMS. I can't believe he earns of £100K and contributes nothing.

You have a cock lodger and unfortunately he got you pregnant to trap you in the relationship He is a financial abuser Throw him out!

🥾Kick him out

If he was a good man, a good partner and a good father you would never have to do this.

Why do you want a relationship with a man happy to see you pay out for everything? A man happy to take from you?

End the relationship. Increase your tolerance and expectations of what a goodan, partner and father is and apply for CMS you'd get £851 if he earns £100000 a year. Allowing you to give DC a far better standard of living.

He's more than a 'boyfriend'

He's your son's father

We don't know the background to this tbf - she could be in an abusive relationship (not just financially) and be unable to just hoof him out without risk to herself.

That said, I suspect that he may have been married, hence the speed...? There's no clarity on the situation and doesn't need to be, but this doesn't bode well, I agree with the others. I had a freeloader and the FUSS when I asked him to leave (this is the same person I've posted about recently) - I wish I'd gone about it in a different way, and perhaps OP needs to do this 'safely',

Bet he’s thinking that you won’t call him out as you have a baby together. I’m not sure what is worse - being a tight arse, or taking advantage of your generous nature. Neiter ‘quality’ bodes well

If he doesn’t agree, tell him he needs to be gone in a week. That’s Christmas Day, so he’d be better leaving even sooner.

He’s contributing nothing while you’re draining your savings. Madness. You’ll get much more out of him via CMS.

What does he do around the house and to look after the baby?

I think talking to him is probably pointless. What kind of man thinks it's acceptable and actually needs to be told to contribute towards bills and his own DC. You'll probably be wasting your breath.

By the way, I bet he's one of those men who think women who expect any kind of financial contribution at all are gold diggers.

Surely you can't still be attracted to this utterly selfish man? Bin him.

Omg surely not????? Nearly 100k?? He’s awful

And he certainly needs to back date what he owes you for your expenses since March - to replenish your savings. You know, the stuff you had put away for a rainy day.

I think I might have to stop reading this thread, or take something for my blood pressure.
Good luck ELLS2024.

You’ll get over £800 a month from him via CMS, because he won’t be having overnights with a tiny baby. Plus child benefit (if you earn under threshold when you go back to work). Plus you won’t be paying for the food, utilities etc he is consuming. You’ll be over a grand a month better off by kicking him out - and your self-worth is priceless.

Why do you feel awkward? It is perfectly reasonable to have a discussion about family finances. Why doesn't he feel awkward leeching off you?

A huge number of relationships and marriages break down over money. That is why money and finances form a part of pre-marital counselling by churches.

What else hasn't been taken care of because he's avoiding serious conversations? Do you both have wills? Life insurance? Sorted out guardians for your DS in the event both of you die or are incapacitated? He is an adult with a child, he needs to act like it.

If he won't sit down for the conversation then set up a rent book and charge him rent so at least he won't have rights to your home. He can also pay child maintenance.

I understand what that's like. It can be difficult carrying all the weight on your own when you have a man that is supposed to help you provide. It makes you feel used and like what you're trying to build together is not a priority. You really have to assert yourself and make him listen. You've been nice about it already and I'm not telling you to nag, but definitely when the moment is right, make sure he's in a position where he will be able to give you his undivided attention. Tell him how you really feel and what you really need. Approach him gently but assert yourself in a way where what you say cannot be ignored. It is not meant for a woman to take care of everything all by herself, especially when it comes to finances. He is supposed to be chipping in in some way and come together with you to make what you do have together grow and prosper. This man is clearly not thinking about your future together or this matter would be just as important to him as is to you. And if after you've had this conversation with him and he still feels indifferent or ignores what you have said, an ultimatum would definitely be the appropriate thing for you to give to him. Like I said, he's suppose to help, that is if he truly is trying to make a life with you. And right now he is not taking you seriously or he's taking advantage of you as well as taking you for granted. You should not allow this! You just have to prepare yourself for whatever he decides to do and decide what you're going to do, if he doesn't at least try to contribute his 50 percent in that relationship. This is not a time to be timid or sound like you're afraid. You have to stand up for yourself and be strong, and say what you mean and mean what you say. It's not going to be easy but it will be worth it and you will either get more clarity about what his true intentions are or get the help and support that you truly need and to move forward together as a unit.
Best wishes!!

I met him at work, he’s definitely not lying about his income and before he moved in, he was really generous paying for pretty much everything we did and spoiling me to trips away, this has now all stopped. He was renting his own place before and had been single for over a year before we started dating. Rightly or wrongly (more wrongly) I’m struggling being on my own postpartum and I guess I’m worried the conversation will end with a no and me asking him to leave, which I would do now after reading all of your advice and seeing how wrong this actually is. He has been very hands on with baby and house bits and cooks regularly so losing that support side is daunting even though the financially side is not supportive.

Oh, and another thing OP: it’s not ‘being independent’ when you’re letting him take the piss like this. It’s actually the opposite, by running down your savings you’re making yourself increasingly dependent on a man who has no intention of being there for you and your baby.

@Ells2024 my long term partner lives in my house. We don't have kids but have four pets, which cost a lot. We've got a joint account set up and that covers all joint expenses - the pets, bills, food, holidays, cars, insurances etc. I pay the mortgage out of my own account as it's my house, ditto repairs etc. The plan was at some point we would buy a house together but we haven't been able to find one in our budget we like more than mine, so we've been living like this a lot longer than planned, but it's worked without many arguments.

He needs to be paying his way.

There are so many red flags @Ells2024

Has your DP got a emotional intelligence of a 15 year old?

You broach the subject by saying

You live in this house - you need to contribute to bills - I expect you to pay x a month.
We have a baby together you need to contribute to their upbringing. I expect x a month.
We will revisit finances every few months so that it is equitable & fair for all parties including our baby.

Why would end in a no? Why would a father not want to support his child?

If he doesn't, and thus shows what a complete loser he is, and thus you kick him out and claim child maintenance, then surely it's a bullet dodged but you've got a beautiful baby out of it?

Can you ever imagine doing this to someone else op? So. You move in with them and they pay for everything. Then you make a joint decision that renders them income less. And you don't say a word just pocket your income every month and whistle away. No? No, of course you wouldn't because it's absurd.

You found yourself pregnant, not 'we'.

Appears that the man baby arrived separately.

You met him at work, he lovebombed, you moved in and then are pregnant... so he basically has no reason to contribute ever again if this carries on

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been struggling, OP.

While it was a big mistake to let him freeload, I can see why/how you’ve been worried about raising this with him in your current circumstances. And the sad thing is he probably senses your vulnerability which is why he’s stopped putting his hand in his pockets! He is banking on your silence.

Sometimes it feels easier to stick your head in the sand and ignore the reality but it will only come up to bite you worse in the long term. Definitely do speak up and if he does leave, he was probably going to leave at some point anyway as someone truly committed would probably not treat you like this. Tap into any support network/ organisations and family you have and if nothing else feel empowered at standing up for you and your child.

It may be difficult initially but I honestly think you will feel better in the long run having dropped the burden of this stingy miserable man if he chooses to leave.

You are not cooking tonight.Tell him to pick up a take away on his way home. You do not pay, he can.
Once dished up, start talking.
You moved in here with me in March. This is the cost of half the general bills to date. Now I'm on maternity leave I need that transferred as soon as please.

Here's the breakdown of monthly bills - hand over written/printed spreadsheet (nothing towards mortgage but charge a rent based on local prices) - include shopping, utilities, Sky or whatever entertainment you both use. Anything for baby.
Obviously don't include your own phone bill, car costs, gym membership etc.
You can set up a monthly standing order to start in January. Here's my bank details.

Also look up what CMS he would be liable for if he moves out. So if he coughs & splutters and starts saying he shouldn't have to pay to live with you, you've ruined Xmas, he was going to propose (bs bs etc) you can tell him he's moving out and then pay you CMS of £xx (likely ball park figure) as you will be putting in a claim tomorrow.

If he's lovely, apologies for being a selfish idiot & sets up payment, fantastic, Merry Christmas. And in the New Year get a legal document sorted so he has no claim on your house (always protect your assets).

Wishing you all the best @Ells2024 .

This man knows exactly what he's doing, he does a little bit to help with the baby just enough so that you feel you wouldn't be able to cope with out him. He's doing this purely to stop you from asking him to pay his way.
He is a despicable vile grifter.
Never mind all this softly softly approach him gently 🙄
🥾 Get rid of him, he has no redeeming features if he's treated you like this.