Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

[Ells2024]

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

I've just, as of today actually, officially divorced after a 2 and a bit year long battle, and a 14 year marriage. He didn't want to contribute either. He earned ok- conributed more than the base sum to a pension pot which I never knew about until we did financial disclosure in the divorce.

Save yourself the hassle I have been through. He either contributes now or you get shot. What sort of a "man" is he to let his partner struggle on maternity pay? Old enough to have sex and get pregnant- he's old enough to deal with the consequences. The finances by the way are just the start.

Indeed. I'm wondering if his name is Joseph and her name is Mary.

How did you not even have this conversation before he moved in? I'd be calculating all the backdated bills money that he owes you and presenting him with an invoice.

I suspect that in his head this was just something he would keep going as long as he could get away with it and he knows it can't last. So don't be surprised if he just walks away when you give him an ultimatum - but don't let that stop you giving him that ultimatum. If he won't pay, he needs to get out as quickly as possible.

@Ells2024 He’s living for free and he’s s he not paying for his child either ? Couldn’t make this up .

Throw him out and apply for cms

Also the separate money for baby

My eyes went like this 👀👀👀👀 when I read just below 100k!
This should have all been discussed upon him moving in, and if he didn't commit to it, back out the door!
I've seen it happen so much, women who don't or feel bad to ask bf to pay towards everything, I don't get it.
Do you rent?

This is a staggering situation - you poor thing to have shacked up with someone like this.
You need to back date his bills and he pays one lump sum for what he owes and then work out what you are doing going forwards. I would suggest he leaves if he doesn't immediately pay up and set up fair direct debits etc without complaint.

Once more. Let him know it will be the last time you'll discuss it. Give him a deadline. If he hasn't set up a standing order to your account every month by x date, he will need to leave. Be clear.

Start a child maintenance claim against him!!!!

I agree with giving him a deadline, for your sake as much as his. A few days should suffice.

Remember that he's not just taking from you, but from your child. If this continues, you won't be able to give your little one the life he deserves.

Bloody hell, how hard is it for two adults to sit down and talk money? What do you mean, you’re uncomfortable? This man is your partner! Sit him down, tell him that the two of you are going to make a financial plan, and then you are both going to stick to it and he will pay you back what he owes you. How hard is that - not hard at all! I read you are even considering asking him to leave but why can’t you just have a proper conversation first? Just tell him to sit down and talk it through - if he then still refuses to get with the program, you kick him out. Come on OP, you can do this!

I've already commented, but wanted to add some men specifically ones I have seen who get with women who already have kids.
One I can think of most easily 🤦‍♀️😄
Lives with family, okay he might be paying towards something there, I hope so!
Because he is in his 30's with 3 kids lol two with ex one with current gf.
So he just stays with her few nights so inbetween the two places.
So her thing was she doesn't charge rent as he doesn't live with her, well no lol he's getting the best of both worlds there!

And they have a child together since, so I think amongst other things this probably helped get a bit of money, and family days out to include her child from previous, and because she lets him have his kids from previous at hers because he has nowhere else to take them 🤦‍♀️

How in 2024 can a 'man' capable of earning £100k not even think about contributing to his own child? Are you sure he's telling the truth? Maybe he just leaves the house and pretends to go to a job.

He's either a fantasist or extremely selfish. He shouldn't need you to speak with him. He won't get better, you're probably better off kicking him out. Where's his parents in all this? I'd be extremely embarrassed if this was my son.

@Redruby2020 OP wrote that she owns her house.

Assuming he moved in quite suddenly
while OP was adjusting to being pregnant, I get how the conversation didn’t happen before he moved in - it’s reasonable to assume he would take the initiative to pay his way and bring it up himself within the first few weeks.

However to me it’s the fact it hasn’t happened for 9 months since he moved in. That is mind boggling.

OP said they’d never sat down to have the chat but surely they’ve sat down to drink coffee, eat meals, watch tv, chat about their day together? Why was it not raised during one of these conversations.

I really worry about women today, how can they possibly think letting a man freeload at the expense of them and their kids is “independence”. Modern men have really played a blinder.

They want submissive women who take care of the household AND support themselves completely. What is even the point? I’m sure even sexist men from the 1950s would be jealous of how easy some men have it nowadays - or maybe even appalled.

This is unbelievable.

If you feel unable to broach the subject, could you ask for someone to support you and organize a meeting and be an advocate? A sibling, maybe? A friend? Someone more assertive?

CMS is a joke, if they don't pay it just goes on and on and on.

So where was he living when this idea came up to move in with you? Seeing as he earns so much.

I am so shocked by this ( and I've been on Mumsnet a while).
OP please take notice of what PPs are saying. This is financial abuse, pure and simple. Any decent man would be shocked and ashamed in this situation. Whatever financial settlement you come to, ensure you backdate it and get money for the whole period he has been living with you.
Good luck

I don't think OP said he's her husband?

The fuck? Work out what he owes since the first minute he moved in, tell him to give it to you by Saturday or pack his bag and start paying child support. Do not be any more supportive or understanding. Do not use words like I’m sorry or I appreciate this is a shock or I get that you might not have it all now… He can find it, borrow it, who the fuck cares. Or leave. And you claim child support from that day.

If he doesn’t pay he needs to leave. You can then claim CM off of him and you’ll be eligible for child benefit (which you currently wouldn’t be as DP earns too much) and you’d be able to get 25% reduction in council tax. So if he isn’t paying enough to cover this then he need to go….immediately!

Make sure the figure also includes an amount sufficient to reimburse you fully (and restore your savings) for what he hasn't paid over the past few months.

He only gets away with it because you're letting him. If he refuses to pay, then I would start making sure all family and mutual friends know what a freeloader he is so that he's embarrassed enough into action (i.e I'm really sorry but I can't make it as money's so tight since I'm on mat leave and pay all the bills, food and baby costs - DP refuses contribute).

I would kick him out but only after he's fully reimbursed me - this would be the end of the relationship for me mentally, but kicking him out now would mean there's little change of getting your money back from him.

Smart enough to earn 100k, smart enough dodge the bills.

You I'm afraid are not looking quite so clever OP.

Woman up