Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

[Ells2024]

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

What’s the plan for going back to work OP? As things stand, you can’t afford to stay at home because he isn’t contributing, and it certainly doesn’t sound like he’ll be going halves on childcare. You’re absolutely screwed unless a) you tell him in no uncertain terms what he owes now and what he’ll owe in addition for childcare, or b) you kick him out and claim his childcare contribution via CMS.

The longer this goes on the harder it will be for you to stand up to this man. He is acting as if your lovely baby is nothing to do with him, think about that.

OP if you can have sex you can tell him to pay his way.

you can have a conversation, but i'd just send him a monzo request for backdated bills since march.
And say, "you've forgotten to pay for any bills since moving in, this is the sum.
please set up a standing order for bills and baby costs of £xxx for the 1st of each month.
Please send a pic of the confirmation from your bank when it's done. thanks"

once thats done, then have a chat.

I think, deep down you know the answer to everything. It won’t be easy, but you will have support around you.

You're on mat leave using savings to feed his child while he does what with his salary?

Find your anger at the way he is treating you.

You're a family, not housemates - and you are not earning because you're looking after your joint baby. Do not ask for half the bills, that will not be in any way fair and sufficient, you will end up paying a lot more than him for family expenses. You won't believe how fast all those little things here and there for your DC add up.
I would ask for a joint account, each party contributes an agreed % of their income. Account is used for everything for family and your DC.

Would it help you to set it out logically?

1. My first duty now is to my child
2. I need to support my child and need to avoid unnecessary drains on income to do that.
3. You ( the father) need to contribute to rent and bills while you live here (x per month) from today onwards and pay me arrears of your share since you moved in of £(. ) today please.
4. You also need to pay child support (!if not included in previous shared bills)
5. Now we’re parents, we each need to take out life insurance and make wills.

If he doesn’t agree and take action immediately, get him to leave and put in a claim for child support. You need to prioritise your and your child’s welfare. Hard headed.

There are several types of abuse. Financial, verbal, emotional and physical.

This particular abuser has chosen financial abuse as his main strategy. But he will use other strategies from time to time as well.

It sounds to me he didn’t want the baby and is punishing you for it.

Actually if you are in a relationship and not just flatmates, it would be more usual and fairer as the PP has said, for him to support you to some extent while you’re on maternity leave.

He showered you with gifts in order to win you over, but as soon as he got you where he wanted you (powerless and trapped) he showed his true colours.
He is a selfish manipulative freeloader 🤬

Sorry but he should be supporting all three of you; not only ‘contributing to bills’. Get a joint account, put both your income and his into it every month - all pay goes in there. Make a spreadsheet of your household budget every month - bills savings etc etc - and it’s all paid from that account. What’s left is split between the two of you. Don’t compromise on this or you’ll end up in a crap situation and vulnerable. Do you love him?? Think about marriage to protect yourself and your child. If he won’t share money with you, you’d be better off alone with him paying CMS. Good luck x

Hey BF, you're taking the piss
On your salary you won't be short of money and need to pay your way
We need to share expenses for our DS too( if he isn't)
Get him told He knows what he's doing

Don't worry about him leaving, as I said He knows what he's doing.

He has saved so much cash over the last year.

How much has he cost you?

He's vile. There's no amount of money that he could offer me to persuade me to let him stay at this point. I'm so sorry, being on your own with a tiny baby at this time of year is not what anyone wants, ignore those being harsh, it's totally obvious there was a back story.

Have you got friends and family to provide you with support?

you should not have to ask/demand/rhreaten, this neglect is part of who he is, a man’s natural instincts are to provide and protect for his little family - put him out, claim child support, be calm and carry on without him, we all make bad choices occasionally

It is really disheartening to read on this website, time and time again, of women who’ve found themselves living with cocklodgers who care more about sitting on their arses watching Netflix, or in the case of OP’s scummy boyfriend, watching his savings grow sky high, than they do about their partners and their children.

He won’t change. He’ll pretend to for a while, but sooner or later it’ll go back to how it is now and you will be completely reliant on him, financially. Kick him out asap.

Wtf is this a joke!!!!??? You tell him he starts paying monthly or he leaves. He is a cocklodger and you are allowing it. Do not continue to use up all your mat leave and savings money, whilst he has a great time living rent free and earning that amount of money!

Wtaf am I reading?? I'd say never mind working out a figure - it's his turn to pay for everything (except mortgage if it's your house), for a year. Then afterwards, once it's evened up, you can split bills fairly.

I really hope this is an isolated terrible personality flaw of his! Although I can't imagine anyone even halfway decent, doing what he has done....

My husband only earns £1600 a month. All that is used to pay for the family, the mortgage. I have a horrible feeling that he won't pay if he hasn't already offered to do so. Have you bought everything for the baby by yourself?

You ask him to give back his key and find somewhere else to live because you can't afford to house an able bodied adult who is earning a good salary whilst you are on maternity leave after having had his child.

You are vulnerable right now and he knows it. The fact that you have to ask is absolutely demeaning.
He wasn’t always so tight, it’s not like you went into this with a man who wouldn’t buy you a coffee.
But you know who he is now.
This man is raking in 7-8k a month with NO outgoings. Where is he spending all that?!
He is stealing from his own child by allowing you to
dip into your savings.
To be blunt, he is putting himself before his own child as well as you and that’s not love. It’s just using someone.
Long term, this situation is doomed. What would happen if there was a second baby? And you were left paying for two kids?
He is financially abusing you and stealing from you, living in your home and not paying his way.
That is NOT love.

Come on now, he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. Of course he’s living his best life rent and bill free, probably pocketing all his money for himself as where else is it going? Meanwhile his girlfriend looks after his child and he comes back to dinner on the table. I’m sure he will be keen another ASAP to extend his fabulous gene pool. Winner winner, a cocklodging man’s absolute dream.

You deserve better. Boot him out. You can claim Universal Credit to cover the shortfall with your mat leave. There is no reasoning with a tight arse, trust me, they NEVER change. It’s like it’s in built in their DNA. And please don’t have another child with him.

okay , so it looks as though you’ve missed a stage you need to go back to Dating.
There’s no reason why he wouldn’t apologise profusely for the fact that he hasn’t contributed. Make a lump sum payment immediately from all the money he saved from the last few months.
And then get things back on track, taking you and the baby out to nice places treating you buying the baby cute outfits that he spots in shop Windows on his lunch break all those lovely thoughtful things that people do for their children.
There was never a Friday when I walked in from work empty-handed from the city without some little trinklet for my kiddies to let them know that I’ve been thinking about them while I’ve been at work all week.
Does he do anything along those lines for the baby?

He is taking the absolute P. Either he pays what you suggest, or he moves out and rents somewhere and pays maintenance, which will be a fair whack. Don’t put up with this.