Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

[Ells2024]

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

@crystalyzeg you should start your own thread, I think people would need a lot more detail, like what's full time, would your daughter employing you impact your PIP, etc?

Yes, tell him to leave immediately unless he starts paying his way.

Wow! Can't believe you've let this freeloading, cock lodging, CF get away with this for so long.
Tell him TODAY you've ran down all your savings, covering the bills, food, nappies, etc and you need him to transfer you a lump sum today, covering his share of things as you have no cash left and are struggling to get by. Or tell him seeing as you have paid up until now you won't be paying again and he can take over. Do not pay another penny!

Because the missing piece in the puzzle is that the man involved is not some benign lego figure with ultimate reason.

They're usually a lovebombing prick who says all the right things and manipulates the situation to their advantage, and pregnancy and childbirth is a key factor in bullshit behaviour escalating.

Its ultimatum time. Either he contributes 50/50 to household expenses or he leaves. And if he leaves, you need him to be contributing to your joint child.

And it starts NOW.

Where is his money going, is he supporting another family. It's a bit odd given his good salary.

I'm going to be blunt here-but this isn't a conversation.

He knows full well he's not contributing a penny, and he's not bothered about it. There's zero way that he's completely unaware that for 9 months, he's contributing fuck all to your shared existence.

He knows and he doesn't care. If he cared, he'd be asking what his contribution is and should he give you cash or direct debit, and set that up.

Instead, he's sat, for 9 months, hoarding his own money, whilst you've been paying for everything for all of you.

If it were me, I'd be sitting myself down, working out what he owes and demanding that he pays that. And if I were feeling particularly festive-I'd be tacking on the retrospective amounts, too.

He is a grade A cock lodger, and a decent partner, male or female, would not feel comfortable earning just under 100k and pocketing all that money whilst their partner foots the bill for everything.

The fact that you're uncomfortable to mention it to him speaks volumes. I'd be looking to get him out, if I were you because I'd worry that, even if he stuck to it for a while, he'd lapse. I just can't see a way a decent person would allow such a situation to exist and continue. That leads me to the conclusion that he is not decent.

Stop trying to be reasonable with people who take the piss. You've already given him a chance to act like a responsible adult, tell him to leave.

This ! Ffs

Just say look, I need £... From you monthly for your share of bills/food. Work out how much proportionately you both should pay based on income. Agree to review when things change. Also get back pay for all the months he has not contributed.

You are being mugged. Don't be a mug.

Your boyfriend's a leech? You're having to dip into your savings?

You'd be better off without him.

I'm glad to read that. I can hardly believe he expects to live without contributing, he certainly earns enough and would have to pay to live anywhere else. Discuss firmly with him, I hope he agrees. If not, he's a 'cock-lodger', you know what you have to do.

(On re-reading your first post, I have to say he is unique if he managed to get pregnant :-).)

You’ve only two choices. Let him rob you or tell him to leave.

He has figured out you’re willing to humiliate yourself to keep him.

I’d text him right now (well I’d have had it sorted before moved in)

Bob, this cock lodging cheeky fuckery has to stop now. I’ve asked you numerous times about contributing to your living expenses & now you have a an extra mouth to feed & clothe. Your half of expenses is £xxx a month. Please transfer it now & back date it to March. If you don’t consider this fair, just let me know where you are moving too so I can forward your bags & I’ll process the cms claim now.

If you are coming home, bring a takeaway, because I won’t be cooking tonight.

The full discussion of how he needs to start treating you better can be later if he accepts your terms.

Raise your bar lady & straighten your crown.

Aldo, get legal advice about protecting your house from him in case the relationship breaks down in the future.

Would he dispute rent amount if he was living else where? No. He doesn’t get to not agree, this is how much it costs, end of. If he doesn’t agree, kick him out. He is literally stealing from you and your baby.

Agree with this. Let him know you can no longer afford to pay for everything and he now needs to step up.

Dh moved in with me we both had decent jobs I paid for everything we put his rent money in a savings account for our first house deposit. Oh and he proposed 2 months after moving in we married the following summer baby after that. That’s normal your situation is absolutely insane!!!

I think the OP is getting a hard time as she’s had a baby and all the hormonal and emotional turmoil that entails so it’s understandable why she’s not felt able to bring it up before now.
However I didn’t think he has any intention of paying. There’s no point in having a conversation as you only upset yourself. Send him a text with a link to your bank account so it’s easy for him to pay. Regardless of what he does with the text, enjoy your baby’s first christmas and if he hasn’t paid chuck him out in the new year. It’s been 8 months so another couple of weeks doesn’t matter

I am dying to hear his “arguments” for the continuation of the status quo!

I hate threads like this, they are painful to read. He is relying on you feeling too awkward to ask for money, please keep any note of apology out of your voice when you tackle him later, he not only needs to step up financially going forward, he needs to pay backdated rent and bills since March, there is no way he should ever have got away with this. Good luck OP x

He knows what he is doing (taking advantage). He will know your pay is currently crap and that you're relying on savings. The fact that you've tried to discuss it and he still hasn't stepped up makes it worse. It would seriously give me the ick tbh. The only team player here seems to be you. At the very least he should be paying bills as I bet you've paid all baby expenses too?

By comparison when I was on mat leave, my husband covered everything and transferred me a large lump sum payment (we have separate accounts) so I didn't need to ask for anything.

Unless there’s some backstory of abuse /violence I find it so bizarre you didn’t raise it with him within the first or second month but better late than never I guess. And by raising it with him I mean making it clear he pays X amount. Not saying “ can we have a conversation” about this. Just have the conversation! He’s not your colleague - you don’t have to schedule the discussion surely.

He’s obviously the main one at fault though, it’s absolutely shocking and disgusting he is
not paying his way. He should be paying for most things on that salary, your savings should be untouched. I moved in with a friend who had a toddler once for a few months , as I was having housing issues and my family didn’t live in the same city I worked. Her husband worked away during the week and they weren’t struggling for money but I still paid my way.

She didn’t ever ask me for money to stay in her spare room but after the first week, I insisted on paying about £300 a month (this was several years ago) and contributing to food.

How would anyone - let alone your partner think this is acceptable to freeload off you like this?

If/when your child needs childcare for you to go back to work, please discuss who is financing this before you pay for a nursery.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP.

I have been through similar. It is financial abuse.

I beg your pardon?? 😮
Does he plan to ignore other costs he doesn't like too, say perhaps, the cost of raising a child?
What a selfish, ignorant person.