Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

[Ells2024]

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

He hasn't had a normal, healthy family dynamic presented to him, you're gonna have to spell that out. Since he is so helpful in other ways he my not realize how unfair he's been.

Boyfriend, I need you to contribute £1500 month to cover xyz, and from next year it will be £2800 a month because I will have to pay nursery fees. If he still says no it's time to go for child support.

Good grief!!
This conversation should have been had right at the beginning of him moving in with you. But all is not lost, when it is a quiet time, insist he sits down and tell him straight that things need to change and you can no longer support his lifestyle without him stepping up to contribute to the household and his child.
He will no doubt try to get out of having what he will see as an awkward conversation but take no prisoners- you cannot be expected to do it all.

Hey OP, you feeling awkward about actually starting the conversation is so relatable. Many posters would disagree with this, but to break the ice I would probably say something like "look, I have to say something, but i feel really awkward about it. And because I felt awkward I haven't mentioned it before now, and now I feel embarrassed for waiting so I'm biting the bullet now". And then launch into the business side of things with laptop, budget, bank statements, and any council tax/utility bill paper letters you have to hand etc.

For your spending since March, I'd personally aim to get granular and divide every penny you've spent into themes, including all the random little sundries. Also thinking about it, why should women have pay 100% for things like maternity clothes either! But I digress...

And to also not let the word sorry slip out at any point.

Just floating out ideas. Good luck op, you've got this! :)

You could google as there are numerous identical threads.

He is not a good partner, he is a terrible father, I'd leave. They will all say the same.

He earns less than £100K - that's not very MN worthy......

Kick him out and claim child maintenance. This also protects your assets.

Remember, you're doing this for your child OP. That should make it easier.

Change the locks.

You live together as a couple/team, you share a child. You need to grow up and get over the awkwardness of discussing both where you see yourself as a couple and money. I hate using the phrase "grow up" as it sounds patronising and a bit rude, but not sure how else to phrase it! Partners, especially when children are involved, should be able to talk to, and more importantly listen to, each other about anything.

When he gets home from work tonight. Tell him once the baby is in bed you want to discuss your future together and where you both see this going. Hopefully it is as a joint team and you both envisage this being long term, marriage on the cards etc. If you want marriage tell him and tell him when. There is nothing wrong with saying I want to be engaged by next summer and married the following and seeing how he sees it.

Then agree the next night you will sit down and work out your family units finances in detail whether that is everything in the one pot (which is my personal preference - I wouldn't accept anything else and had this discussion with dh before we even decided to live together) or split finances so you both have reasonable disposable income, how savings and assets will be dealt with, taking into account he should at least be heavily financing your maternity leave.

Tell him he pays his share or you want him out.

He has zero experience of a normal parental relationship. He probably needs direct instructions as to your expectations—your shared child’s expectations. But even so it is not looking good. His bar for paternal input is incredibly low. He probably thinks himself a very fine fellow for even sticking around this long and doing minimal boyfriend stuff. Be open to the possibility that he may think this is the best he can do. I would throw him out but you can also walk bim tgrough this “these are my expectations for your contribution while we live together. If you don’t see that as fair then these are my expectations for your child support and you need to move out. If he isn’t going to be a full partner he needs to go so you can get back to your new life as a single parent.

I think it would be very odd to bring friends or relatives to listen to your family finances discussion. OP is not concerned that the boyfriend becomes suddenly violent or anything.

I would tell him that you have now opened a joint account/made an appointment to open one. And you can either both transfer all your income there, and an agreed sum to separate accounts for personal spends. Or alternatively, a percentage of respective incomes. And then you can have a discussion what percerntage exactly, and what is the joint account used for.

If she was reasonably assertive, if I would say yes, but he’s managed to duck out of this conversation three times now.

Surely he doesn’t think he can live for free whatever his family background is like. He is living with you and your joint child as a family now.

Also you can change the question.
When will you be willing to talk about living costs.?
What percentage of living cost are you thinking of paying?
Do you need my bank details to send your share of bills each month?

Text him one of these....
He may be willing to do it that way.

It doesn't matter what your family background is and what your relationship with your own parents looks like, you can't live anywhere for free.

Yup, I'd be charging him from March. He is a class A asshole. Sorry you are in the position OP but it needs to be sorted. This doesn't bode well for the future. He is leeching off you while you are unable to work and you are looking after his baby. Not a good sign. To me there is no recovery from it but I would want the back pay before I kicked him out.

I agree with pp who say irrespective of his upbringing he knows fine well he should be paying, and that it’s not a good sign for the future that you have to even ask after all this time.

He was able to spend money on OP at the beginning when it suited him. Now he’s got too comfortable and sees her in a vulnerable situation after falling “unexpectedly pregnant”, with little family support around, he is taking advantage and has completely pulled back. This is indicative of a very bad character.

If he were to be kicked out of OPs and moved in with a mate tomorrow, I’m sure he would quickly sort out rent payments if he was staying for longer than a month.

He’s doing this with OP because he can. I can’t wait for OP to show him he can no longer do this.

"Oi, cheeky fucker!! You earn a fortune and you're living in my house rent free. I suggest you correct that immediately!" Would be my place to start.......

Tell him you can't afford to live with him and he either tips up or moves out and you'll claim child support.

Why are you feeling awkward. You're going to be skint at this rate.

This should be a private conversation.

I'd say. "As you know I'm on maternity leave and i am struggling financially. I need you to fund our living expenses until I return to work , I've funded you for the last x months so I think it's only right and fair.

Moving forward, we are going to need to share all costs when I return to work, apart from my mortgage/repairs to the house. What do you think?"

Follow this with a silence .... wait for his response.

This is not aggressive, it's stating the facts. His response will tell you all you need to know.

So he stopped paying rent and bills when he moved in with you and what, just kept the money?

The other option that’s fair is he backpays then takes leave to do 6 months of full care while using his savings to pay and the op can build up some savings.
I just think it’s highly unlikely that this man is able to have an adult mutual relationship with anyone. He’s too terminally self centred, and doesn’t actually care about anyone else, as demonstrated by his actions.