Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

[Ells2024]

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

You didn’t answer this, but can you get your mum or your dad or your brother? To Be with you when you have this conversation? If you don’t feel strong enough to do it on your own?

You need some support.

You have a baby OP so this makes you a family. An honest, frank conversation is required to make this relationship work for all of your sakes, especially the baby

calculate what his half of all bills and childcare etc should be.

Then tell yourself that's what you're paying him to be your boyfriend.

He is taking the absolute piss out of you.

Honestly - wtf were you thinking?

YOU unexpectedly found yourself pregnant. He wasn't

But why weren't finances sorted before you moved in?

He is a terrible partner and a shit father

You do a spreadsheet NOW with all expenses
You divide them proportionately to salaries (which may change when you go back to work, but add in childcare)

He owes you back pay

If he won't do it, you split and you get him for CM straight away

Bastard

OP @Ells2024 - Can I ask does your boyfriend have other children...?

Just LTB OP.

He's showing he's not a partner, he's a cocklodger and you'll never get him to do anything without "mothering" him, doing all the thinking yourself and cajoling him into it. Life is too short for that shit.

He's a grown adult. He knows the bills need paying and he has an income. Anyone with half a brain and a shred of decency would be contributing without you having to ask. This isn't some problem you need to solve, there's no magical "right way" to ask that's going to turn him into a decent human being.

You just need to cut loose the millstone round your neck (him). Then you'll be able to sort out your life as a single mother, claim whatever benefits you're entitled to (which at the moment is basically nothing due to his wages, which DWP will assume you both share) and claim Child Maintenance from him, then get on with your life without him dragging you down.

It's no good trying to play happy families with someone who didn't want the child in the first place (going to assume that "unexpectedly pregnant and turbulent times at first" means he wanted you to abort) and is only reluctantly paying lip service to being a father by moving in with you but is still acting like a single childfree man (not sharing his wages and let's face it - probably sleeping with other people). It's a fantasy that won't work OP, let go of it and face reality, he's not interested and you're on your own.

No this is his first child

unfortunately I only have elderly grandparents near by who are not in a position to support on conversations like this but are a good listening support.

How about his parents? what are they like?

Him moving out doesn't mean that he won't continue to be a parent.

Realistically, the money you save by him not being with you and then him paying child maintainance, on £100k a year, of around £800 pcm will be plenty to pay for some support if he choses to be a dick.

What about a good friend? Ideally Male one.
You really do need to stand up to him you know. I’d come down there myself but I suspect I’d probably swing for him if I didn’t get the correct response from him.

He doesn’t have a father and a sort of estranged relationship with his mother. He has no other family.

It’s all starting to make sense now.
He’s a bit of a broken bird, isn’t he? A Project. Certainly not a equal partner which is what you need given your circumstances.
It would make far more sense for you both to make this work so fingers crossed you can have this conversation. He will see the error of his ways and there can be a lovely happy ending.
But you know what you must do if you get anything other than a positive response. And an apology.

You are on maternity, not paying into your pension, not furthering your career,missing out on promotion opportunities and looking after both of your child. While, you also pay for everything, depleting your savings and he gets to bank his salary and fuck you over. He'll no.

You deserve much better than what he is giving and I am glad you are taking the advice here on board. Come back if your waver and he tries to dissuade you, mumsnetters are great with support and hard truths when needed.

You need to be firm op. Ask for a contribution now or he needs to leave. He should be paying towards the baby, bills and food. Come up with an amount you would be happy with and ask him to start giving you that. Possibly since he moved in as he should have been paying something. He's been living with you for 9 months and paid nothing. Sounds like he's got used to this and reluctant to change.

If he makes the right noise but doesn't transfer some money straight away, then you need to tell him to leave.

I live with my partner and have a child. Both our incomes go into a joint account and that pays for all bills and shared expenses. And every month we both get the exactly same amount of 'pocket' money to our personal accounts from the joint account. We are a family and a unit. Both our incomes have varied, and this feels a very fair and easy way to do it. It is also totally normal and expected, to financially support you child and partner of maternity leave.
However you decide to do it as a family, it is so important to get the conversation going, be on the same page as each other and feel that it is fair.

You tell him it is a New year a new budget.
Get all the bills together.
List them...
Including baby expenses including child care....
Then tell him from the 1st he owes you x amount...
Each month you will send him a list of the bills and he will pay. As he would also have rent extra on top if he moved out...
Otherwise he can go home to his mum.

You're already a fool. How long will you be such a pushover. He pays nothing to maintain himself or his child? That's not you being independent, that's foolish. Being a strong, independent woman is not being a pushover and facilitating a freeloader. Come on. Personally, his obscene selfishness and clear lack of care or commitment would make me ask him to leave rather than pay to stay.

@Ells2024 did he contribute towards the cost of any of the baby things? Coat, prams etc?

Yeah. This.
Its Spreadsheet time.

Make sure you get a bank statement too, which lists how much you are spending on food and baby stuff..
How much money have you "lost" on maternity leave.
Total lost pension contributions...

You will be shocked how much you've spent whilst he's had a completely free ride and been able to avoid conversations by blanking them.

He's a selfish mean freeloader.

Meanwhile he has pension, rent free, bill free, baby spending free.

Big deal to do a bit of cooking and playing with the baby. For the amount you are spending you could probably hire in a Norland Nanny for a while to cover that.

PS, backdated. No no account should he deplete the mother of his son's savings by not making an equal contribution.

What's he spending all this excess cash on?

Absolutely this.

I continue to be astonished at how some women allow men to treat them like this.

Three times ducking the conversation should be enough but, FWIW, when there are no distractions, I'd give him one last opportunity to think about and tell you what sort of father and partner he intends to be and he wants his child to understand, like his father? or a real one.

BTW, if you are on mat leave then a share of the bills is not 50/50 if you have reduced income.

He needs to front up, and that involves 'backpay' for what you agree is fair or you need to think if you will be better on your own and he can let his personal history repeat itself and let him be true to his one true monetary love. If that then CMS all the way after he departs.

Good luck.

She has no family support and this is a very rushed relationship. That’s how it’s happened.