He has loads of money while I struggle, am I right to be annoyed?

[BeMellowDreamer]

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

If he wants you to work less so he has fewer household responsibilities, then he needs to subsidize you financially to make that happen.

it is less clear cut than with a couple with a shared child. In that scenario, I would say you should just be pooling income. That is what DH and I reduced my hours to focus on our SN child.

since he doesn’t understand that you working part time needs to partly come out of his pocket, then you need to seek full time employment that maximizes your earnings.

How did your son cope with getting to school etc when you were working full time.

As long as you didn’t rack up debts by being reckless then he should absolutely cover some/all of your bills.

A partnership is when you help each other out.

You need to go back to working FT.
Even if it’s shift work and you do 3 long days or something and get your son a taxi home.

I would look into school transport too.
There are criteria and if the school is a certain distance or not safe to walk, then the council has to put on transport.

Why are you doing the cleaning etc and looking after the dog, when these are his responsibilities too!

Obviously your son is your responsibility but you are leaving yourself in a vulnerable position by working part time right now.

Meh, sorry @BeMellowDreamer but IMO he has shown you who he is, and that is a horribly unsupportive and useless partner. I couldn't stay with someone like this. Someone who is sitting back and watching me struggle and suffer. He won't be any better if you were crazy enough to marry him.

Throw this one back.

Ffs people, this isn't AIBU, there's no need for this amount of vitriol.
OP, I'd be wary of moving to PT work in these circumstances. I realise you are struggling and ND children sometimes do find it easier with a parent at home. But this man is already making it clear he's not going to help you financially.
I'm guessing he does bugger all round the house, which is why he's quite happy for you to be at home doing it all for him. The dog walking needs to be split 50:50, if he won't do his share then he needs to fund a dog walker. Really you'd be better off with a full time job, again he does half the housework or pays for a cleaner.

I'm sorry you've had such nasty replies here. No way would he get to live anywhere else with everything thrown in for £600pm. No idea what glue MN is sniffing at the moment.

Agree. I don't gain financial responsibility for another adult because I like spending time with them, and we're sleeping together. In fact, if they thought I did, I would no longer do either of those things.

If he wasn't going to be contributing to your bills, then you couldn't afford to go part-time.

it doesn't sound much of a partnership, tbh.

In your position I would go back to work full time. Your boyfriend has no say in your working hours. In his position I would not be funding my girlfriend.
If it was me I'd just see this as dating and live your own life doing what is in yours and your child's best interest at all times. If you get married then talk about combining finances.

If he's the one telling you to reduce your hours then he needs to pick up some of the slack financially. But he doesn't have to.

Can't you just go back to working ft and pay your own debts? It's not really his responsibility at the end of the day. You have a responsibility to your child. Presumably the kids dad contributes towards them? If not then that needs dealing with. I can see it from his pov as well as yours.

But you cannot rely on him financially at this stage so at least you know where you stand.

Go back to work full time. Tell tight tits that he needs to up his game in terms of life admin / cleaning so henceforth he will be doing half.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s ever advisable to be financially reliant on anyone. Married or not.
As an aside, in my experience, if he’s tight with money, he’s tight with other things….his time, in bed, his general attitude. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

Bad move going PT, especially for the reasons
you've mentioned. What do you do when you aren't walking the dog and your ex is in school? Unless you have a 6 bed, extremely large house it's not housework.

No, it doesn't, but in a decent, loving partnership the partner with the spare cash wouldn't just sit back and let her struggle when he had the means to alleviate that struggle. How would this be "automatic" in this situation anyway? It's an exception!

And actually, a couple living together do have a financial relationship, even if they're not married!!

I don't care what anyone says, this is not a good man for the OP to tie herself to.

you need someone who sees you and your son as his own no matter who or what. A true family.

I was working FT and with him WFH FT, we still struggled with housework etc so yes DP wants me PT.

Well as he is not prepared to support you being part time it's time to go back to fulltime

He sounds like another entitled bloke looking for a free housekeeper.

im sorry op, he doesn’t seem much of a catch.

He wanted you to go part time
He's living in a house in your name
He wants you to cook and clean
You're not married
You have a dog that is both yours that is too big that he doesn't look after

He's got a good deal. None of the risk. All his money to himself while you cook and clean for free. And walk the dog.

Kick him out and work full time

He doesn't regard you as a partnership and legally you're not
Your son is your team and you need to support him by going back to work full time
DPs actions do not support his words

Just another thought, are your son's needs great enough that you could apply for DLA or similiar?

Part time is not a good idea. You need to consider your financial future if the relationship breaks down - what happens with housing? Your pension? Funding for your son?

Too many colleagues have been left in inadequate circumstances because they went part-time, divorce is expensive and the only ones who came out of it in a reasonable fashion had full time jobs.

At least he's shown you who he is. You'd be daft to make yourself further dependent on him. Go back to work fulltime.

Don't have kids with him.

It sounds rather like the OP just decided that she fancied working less and it would be a good idea if the boyfriend paid more, but that wasn’t a conversation anyone has had

Though obviously we can't know I'd say that's very possible
So is the idea that he might have supported the idea of part time while OP looks for another full time job, but that OP heard this as "Sounds good love; you go ahead and I'll pick up the shortfall"

After all he appears to have money, and for some that's attraction enough, at least until they find he's not the ATM they once thought

i’d be saying to him don’t have kids with her

Currently he has no children and works full time

we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework

Says it all really!

If you are on more than minimum wage, look at how much a weekly clean would cost. I am better off working more and having someone clean my house every week, even before vaguer concepts like career development or pension come into play. Plus I don’t have to clean nearly as much!!

You can put that into household costs and split it 50:50

Don’t make yourself vulnerable to a partner who isn’t offering to support you even when things are good. If things go bad he’s unlikely to become generous then.

When you discussed going PT what was the agreement? What is he covering to enable this?
i think not being married, opens you up to risk as above.
I think if you can’t afford your debt you have to be responsible for it and get a FT role (sorry)

You are accountable for your son and you & as such should work to cover that?

It great he gets his housework done for him but he can take on half of that if you go back to FT.

Op, having read your update, you want to go part time, to look after your son and walk the dog. You are already in debt. You want your partner who is not your husband or the father of your child, to pay for you to do this.

You would make yourself hugely vulnerable. He only has to walk away, meet another woman, and you would be stuffed. You could not survive or provide for your son. Don't be a fool.

I'm a single mum and have worked full time and raised my DS alone, rurally, from 4 to 16. There is always a way.

Look at how much rent he pays you and whether he pulls his weight at home. Rehome the dog., you can't afford it. Find another full time job and get those debts paid.

Then consider whether this man is actually a partner or little more than a cocklodger. £600 a month is not much.