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Original poster

DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

621 replies

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 18:43

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

OP posts:
Makemydaypunk · 03/07/2024 21:04

You would be completely foolish to even entertain the idea, this man will rip you off to the tune of hundreds of thousands, I bet if you agreed to his thieving plan he would be on the deeds of your new house as joint owners and I bet you never see a monthly payment. Please don’t do this, he will take your money at some point in the future.

WmFnKdSg1234 · 03/07/2024 21:04

Never give up your financial independence for lurve.

I learned that lesson the hard way.

Boltonb · 03/07/2024 21:04

He’s a proper cheeky bastard!

How are these men able to get away with this kind of shit??!! It’s unbelievable that women are even having to question whether it’s a reasonable request? Or questioning themselves as being too cautious?

God, it’s depressing.

Tell him to get to fuck. We’d all like to live in a mortgage free property, or have someone else owe money for the property we live in and pay no loan interest. I’d explain to him that that’s not how life works.

I think he sounds like he should be in the bin, personally

caringcarer · 03/07/2024 21:05

If he's only paying you £600 pcm for all bills and food he's already living in your house rent free. Does he realise all you can get for £600 pcm is a room in a house inclusive of electricity and use of the kitchen and bathroom. He'd still have to buy food if he rented a room. He has got it so easy at your expense. Don't give him any further advantage off your back.

pikkumyy77 · 03/07/2024 21:05

Why do some posters act like there is no difference between paying the mortgage and the partner paying a random 600 a month?

The reason the bank loans you money is that you pay interest on the loan and the house that you are purchasing serves as collateral for the loan. If you stop paying or default on the loan the bank makes itself whole by repossessing the house.

Mr sexist poster upthread who thinks this is fine because banks “charge so much interest” so OP and boyfriend would be, somehow, benefiting from the boyfriend paying hid 600 directly to her. But people are failing to price in risk to the OP and the bank if bf defaults. OP can’t repossess the house from him if he stops paying. Nor can the bank as he’s not liable for the mortgage.

This is called privatizing the reward and socializing the risk.

Channellingsophistication · 03/07/2024 21:06

doesn’t sound a good arrangement for you. Sounds like he’s hoping to lean on you whilst he sets up his business in not having a financial commitment.

VotesAndGoats · 03/07/2024 21:08

At the end of the day. Do you want a bigger home or not? If not why doesn't he save his money into an ISA and you can pool that to live off in retirement. If you get married and you die, then he can have the house. What is the issue with that? And if you split he can his use ISA money for a house. He should just pay bills if he lives with you, not rent.

Longlazyday · 03/07/2024 21:08

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 19:40

Honestly, I said I’d never buy a house with anyone again. I thought I was being unreasonable but all the comments on here have made me realise I’m not. I would strongly encourage him to make his own investments if that’s what he wants. I get that he doesn’t want to feel like my tenant but this is the reality of our situation

Show quote history

If you ‘strongly encourage him’ and he ‘no’, what will you say then?

Summerhillsquare · 03/07/2024 21:09

coodawoodashooda · 03/07/2024 18:50

He's okay with you being more vulnerable than him.

This is what it boils down to. The male assumption that women will bend to their benefit.

VotesAndGoats · 03/07/2024 21:10

Yes, never, ever make yourself financially vulnerable once you have financial security. Ever.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 03/07/2024 21:11

I (and my DP) finally own my house after having a mortgage for over 40 years. Your supposed partner is a CF for seeking to bypass this lenghty commitment on your dome.

Vladthecat · 03/07/2024 21:12

I’d be wary of him changing and throwing his weight about and trying to be boss once he gets his name on your property.

He could change for the worse and you’d be reluctant to break up because you’d be “ in deep”

Red flags galore in his suggestion !
Keep your independence and let him keep paying you £600.

WmFnKdSg1234 · 03/07/2024 21:12

Summerhillsquare · 03/07/2024 21:09

This is what it boils down to. The male assumption that women will bend to their benefit.

Show quote history

@Summerhillsquare yes, entirely this.

EmeraldRoulette · 03/07/2024 21:12

CheekyHobson · 03/07/2024 19:53

In all honesty, if someone suggested this to me I'd be so put off them that I'd end the relationship.

They are either too stupid/financially naive to recognise that they've proposed to financially exploit me, or they know full well that they're proposing to financially exploit me.

this

but the former is unlikely.

CautiousLurker · 03/07/2024 21:13

So he hates the idea of owing that much money to anyone, but would be happy owing it to you… with his name on the title deeds and no means of protection for you if he doesn’t repay you?

That would be a hard no from me.

At best: If he wanted to buy you out of 25-50% of your property, he needs to get a mortgage, pay you that money so you have it locked away in savings and you amend to titles deeds to reflect his exact share. If he defaults, you can buy him back out with the saved money. Personally, I’d avoid this too.

Perfect28 · 03/07/2024 21:13

Sounds like he needs to grow up.

notacooldad · 03/07/2024 21:15

It’s a hard no from me. Easy to be so cavalier about selling assets and draining savings when it’s not your money.
This us my thought as well

RawBloomers · 03/07/2024 21:18

Does he not have significant savings? With a salary of 80k and a rent of 600/month he should have a lot of spare cash each month. What has he been doing with it? This alone makes him a questionable partner to do anything financial with.

But assuming there are reasons for this that don’t suggest he’s a financial risk, his plan is cheeky (to be generous) on several levels. 1) You take all the negative equity risk. If he had a mortgage and the house fell in value he’d still be on the hook for it. With his plan if you buy a house and it falls in value he isn’t responsible at all. 2) It doesn’t sound like he’s intending paying you any rent for the share of the house you own while he’s building up his equity in it. To be fair to you he’d need to be paying you a sizeable amount above 50% of fair rent with only that bit above going towards buying equity off you. The percentage of the house he gets for that equity will decrease if the value of the house has gone up (so you would need regular valuations, which he should pay for along with the legal advice to draw up a sound agreement). As the percentage of the house he owns goes up, the percentage of the house he pays rent on goes down (though the fair rent should be reassessed regularly too) and the amount he pays towards building equity goes up (or his overall payment could go down, but then he might never get to 50%).

I suspect, if you pointed all this out to him he wouldn’t be as keen on it.

The issue with him wanting to start a business and be able to just not pay you doesn’t have to be a problem if he is paying you rent for half of the bit of the house he doesn’t own and that will continue even if he can’t afford to buy more equity. And providing you are okay with having your investment opportunities limited by his decisions over this. Buying a house together or staying in the house you currently own is also a form of limiting your investment opportunities - but presumably one with which you are happy with and which stems from decisions you make or make together, not just him.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 03/07/2024 21:21

Sounds right and convenient for him as he won't have anything to lose if he can't pay it while you will have put all your money to the house.
I wouldn't do in your shoes.

blueshoes · 03/07/2024 21:23

A clear case of Heads I Win Tails You Lose.

Don't play the game.

StopInhalingRevels · 03/07/2024 21:24

Is he pretending to your face he can't see why this is a major piss take?

On the basis that's basically gaslighting you into enabling financial abuse, I'd be jettisoning this fucker out of my life.

Vettrianofan · 03/07/2024 21:29

DH had a property when I met him. I didn't. There was no equal footing.

Others could easily argue he should have stayed well away from me!

pikkumyy77 · 03/07/2024 21:34

This is a complete misreading of the situation @Vettrianofan . No one is suggesting she avoid him because he doesn’t own property. But they are not married and he is not offering to share risks as well as rewards. He is simply proposing to buy some of her asset cheaply, at a below market rate, without offering her any security.

gardenmusic · 03/07/2024 21:37

Most new businesses fail.
So if he fails, or the business becomes a hobby you won't even get rent and a share of the utilities, never mind him purchasing a share of your property.

Klippityklopp · 03/07/2024 21:39

So to begin with you own 100% of the house
He pays you rent for the privilege of staying there. You still own 100% of the house
He think his rent should then entitle him to build up a share of your property
So he gains equity and you lose equity.
It would be an absolute no from me