DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

[Maplelady]

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

@Maplelady Please let us know know you are safe.

If you don't kick him out now, you are going to be stuck with him forever, and it's harder to kick out someone penniless!

A 'nurse with a purse' did also come to mind when I was reading the list of what he 'wanted' after your last conversation - he excluded 'Carer when he gets old and ill' from his list.

Thank Goodness you have seen the light @Maplelady Stay strong and save yourself some serious issues.

I hope you are safe @Maplelady and coping with your user ex leaving. I also hope you have changed the locks.

Thinking of you!

I’m good, thank you. I’m so overwhelmed by all the support here on MN. Looking back I wonder if I made a mistake not asking him about HIS financial situation earlier on in our relationship. He knew my financial position pretty early on (because I was thinking of buying a bigger house and he knew my budget) and I didn’t know anything about his. How do women protect themselves from these issues further down the line without looking like they’re being intrusive? How soon is too soon to have these discussions? I guess I didn’t ask because I wasn’t planning on buying jointly with him anyway and I’ve been brought up to think it’s a bit rude to ask someone what they earn and have in savings

@Maplelady after dh’s aunt died her second dh was allowed to live in the house for life. He moved a woman in and after his death dh’s cousins have had a really hard time trying to get her out so they can sell the house. If you died your dc would have to fight this man to get him out.

In your situation I wouldn’t ever allow a man to live in your home again unless he has his own property and similar values to your own. Single men and women over 40 who have no assets and are not actively trying to prepare for their retirement will eventually look for a biddable partner to prop them up.
You've had a sharp learning experience.

@Maplelady

I guess the answer to that question is if you don't feel you can be open and have that conversation then it isn't the relationship for you.

If people are too nervous or shy to ask basic financial questions, then it seems crazy to bet your financial security to avoid social awkwardness.

Has he been in touch since he left? This is the time he's going to start the emotional blackmail bombardment, so please be careful.

I agree. About a year ago I asked him what his plans were if anything happened to me. I explained that if I died then my DC could reasonably expect their inheritance within a year (my solicitor advised I make this clear before we moved in together). For that reason I suggest that he might want to look into buying a small investment property. He wasn’t interested and said that his pension was good enough to go back into private rental… fast forward a year and he seemed to view things very differently

I think that noticing he hasn’t mentioned his financials, that he never mentioned his retirement plans, that as a couple you didn’t discuss future financial situations is a good start.

I don’t think you should feel you missed a red flag because this was the moment to have the chat. You did, and it turns out you aren’t financially compatible.

The other time to discuss it would be before he moves in- things like, what will he do if this doesn’t work out. If this does work out then we’ll need to write our wills to make sure we are all properly covered and protected.

Those aren’t nosy and intrusive, they are sensible.

This! Please get all locks changed ASAP.

He may well have a very good pension through his work, if he walked away with nothing from the marriage, then he may well have done a deal to keep all of a good pension pot.

He might not be lying about that, but if he’s decided to build a business he might well have realised he wasn’t going to be adding to the pension anymore and needed other plans. (Eg you give him half a house)

I think that he is mental to want to start his own buisiness now rather than keep working to ensure he has adequate pension on retirement. If he stops now and ends up with an inadequate pension you will be financing him in old age too.

But how much of his 80k income has he shared each year? 7.2k rent??

Bizarre. Do you think he was acting then, or he's changed his mind since?

I think he’s changed his mind because he’s got his feet under the table. Now wants to wind down his 9-5 and ‘start his own business’…

I suspect he’s changed his mind. It wasn’t an easy conversation at the time. Equally he said that his life insurance would go to his dc if anything happened to him and I was fine with that.

@Maplelady The fact that you say it wasn’t an easy conversation and he countered with saying his life insurance would go to his kids (of course) tells me that he wasn't happy about it at the time and was just bluffing when he said his pension would be enough.

The wheels on his head were probably already turning. He’s been biding his time for sure.

Has he came back from his friends house? And more importantly have you made any more decisions since your last conversation?

@Maplelady “How do women protect themselves from these issues further down the line without looking like they’re being intrusive? How soon is too soon to have these discussions?”

in the past, I have made it clear that I would not live with anyone and I am not in a position to help anybody financially. This means you don’t have to ask any questions, just state your own situation.

Of course it may be different for you if you do actually want to live with somebody in future.

OP, I'd say those discussions are for before you move in together. You still can't be sure someone is telling the truth though.

Really there's no concrete way to prevent getting involved with bad people. That's why it's said to not be the victim's fault and that it could happen to anyone. Emotional abuse is insideous and chips away at your boundaries. All you can do is pay attention to your emotions because those show you when someone is stepping over your boundaries.

That doesn't help people who don't have any boundaries though, which is a lot of people if they've grown up in a toxic family and some of them will be unaware of their own lack of boundaries and the truth of their background. I find the most helpful thing is to strip it all back to basics.

We live in a rich developed country where we have good rights. So we can do any job we want (skills and qualifications permitting, but we've the right to study for those). We can own or rent property by ourselves or sharing, we have the right to take steps to get into a position to be able to do these things. We can live in any UK country or in Ireland without any bother. We can be friends with who we want, live in whatever culture or religion we want, have whatever sexuality we want. We can be single, married or anything in between. We can have children or not, provide care for relatives or not. We have many many options for life, even if a lot of them look unpalatable to our own eyes at any given moment in time.

Given all those options, why choose to remain in any situation that makes us chronically unhappy or uneasy? Strip it back to that and you'll find choices about what to do in any given situation a lot easier. I believe as humans our brains are too busy and we overcomplicate life/living.

Sorry it didn't go well. At least you know now.

Pack his stuff and don't let him back.

How do women protect themselves from these issues further down the line without looking like they’re being intrusive? How soon is too soon to have these discussions? I guess I didn’t ask because I wasn’t planning on buying jointly with him anyway and I’ve been brought up to think it’s a bit rude to ask someone what they earn and have in savings.

I think the first step is overcoming the conditioning that it’s intrusive or rude to want full transparency around the financial situation of someone who you are in a serious romantic partnership with (ie living together).

Personally I think it’s a major major red flag when a relationship is clearly becoming serious and heading towards living together and one partner is reluctant to share full details of their financial position. It suggests that they perceive their financial status is unbalanced with the other person’s, either that they have considerably more assets/security or considerably less.

Personally, my boyfriend and I talked openly about financial position within the first six months of our relationship as both of us felt serious about each other and that we might eventually want to live and invest together. We are both divorced with our own children and no intention of having more. The fact that he is comfortable taking about money was a big green flag for me.

How are you doing @Maplelady?

Hope all is well