DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

[Maplelady]

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

Is it really possible that someone who’s after your house could act normally for so long? If so, he deserves an Oscar.

I don't think it's as straightforward as "he had his eye on your house all along". I think in these situations there are a lot of subconscious choices made and expectations developed that accumulate into untenable situations.

I suspect one of the initial reasons he was attracted to you was that you were clearly financially secure and sensible. If he was not terribly financially secure himself, this may have felt appealing, even if he had not done a lot of self-reflection about his own financial situation. He might have felt he had had a bit of bad luck (and was due for some good luck) or had a vague sense that he could be better with money and that your financial sense would rub off on him in some way (which it didn't, of course).

A lot of the time beliefs like this are not clearly articulated within ourselves, they just lead to a situation "feeling right" for someone. Over time, as you were financially very generous with him, he developed an expectation that this was how your relationship worked - he got kind of a free pass because of what he had told himself was his "tough luck" in the past and perhaps what he saw as your "good luck", without either of you asking any hard questions about why he was really so asset-poor.

Your willingness to be so generous and not to treat his lack of assets as important has perhaps contributed to him getting overly comfortable with the idea that what's yours is his and what's his is also his. It doesn't make his thinking right or mean that you owe him the mortgage-free investment in your house that he's dreamed up, but if you've always acted as though money doesn't matter and you don't expect him to contribute equally, then it's probably come as a very rude awakening when you haven't been prepared to participate in his fantasy of you paving Easy Street for him when it comes to home ownership and setting up his business.

Change the locks and please don't let him come back!

When you look back were there signs that you didn’t spot at the time? This relationship has just seemed so… normal.

@Maplelady

I think the early signs that you didn't spot were that you both agreed to financial arrangements that were clearly heavily skewed in his favour. That actually isn't normal, it's a massive red flag when a mid-life adult doesn't feel a personal sense of responsibility to pay their fair share.

He hasn't necessarily hidden his desire to use you for a cash cow, just failed to mention it. I mean he has been using you for a cash cow all the time he's been living there. It doesn't take 3yrs to decide if you love someone and want to be with them so why wasn't he proposing a joint mortgage much earlier on? If you wanted to join forces with someone and have financial security of property ownership that would have been the next step, to buy a house together. How you funded your half would have been up to you. Maybe you would not have wanted to move from your current place or to co-own property with him, but on your salaries I'd have expected him to suggest it before now, if he was a decent person and one who is sensible with money.

Instead, because like so many of them, he thinks he's The Man, his hugely entitled brain could have been thinking something like this all along ...
"oh great! She's good with money, has spare cash each month, owns her house outright, lots of savings, an adequate pension probably. Of course when the time comes that I've had enough of normal life she'll share all she has with me. Why wouldn't she? I'm her partner and I'm a man so I always get what I want because I'm a man so I deserve it. There's no need for me to save or at least not that she knows. I can continue throwing money at my relationship with my kids to buy their affection so they don't forget about their old dad, because I'm quite fond of them in a way. I can continue living the high life because I deserve enjoy it. I don't need to buy a house, partner has one already and what's hers is mine because I'm a man and I say so, therefore it is, and we're not going to break up because I've decided I don't want to. Now, I'd quite like to get off this corporate treadmill and spend my days running a business, I mean how hard can it be?! And I'll have loads of free time. Think of the kudos it'll give me! We'll have partners salary to live on because I've decided that's what will happen so it doesn't matter whether the business makes much money. I don't want to use my £20k to start it up or have an unsecured loan because then I might lose money if it all goes bad, better to raise a loan using the house as collateral. It'll be fine! Probably. Because my faith in myself is unshakable, even if delusional. If the worse comes to the worst we'll just have to sell the house to pay back the loan her opinion? What's that??? Women having opinions! Whatever next?! Haha and live in a smaller one and we'll still have her salary to live on. But I'm not on the deeds so I can't. Hmm. How can I put my manipulation negotiation skills to use to sell it to her as a reasonable thing? I mean it is reasonable isn't it? She's in her 40s and will be scared of spending old age alone because nobody wants the old ones, she's lucky I'm with her, she should be grateful because I've decided it, I am amazing after all. Of course she'll share her assets with me because I always get my own way"

...and at no point does it ever occur to him that things won't pan out as he thought they would.

It's societal, this sense of entitlement. It starts when they're kids and continues when their bad behaviour is excused into adulthood. Boys are always fighting aren't they? What are men like?! Boys will be boys! He's a PITA but what can you do? There's no telling them. He can never remember birthdays/where he put his keys/how to use the washing machine - typical man. Etc etc etc. As if there's some genetic reason they can't show kindness, thoughtfulness, empathy, selflessness.

Excellent post @tosleeptodream

Oh, he's so disappointed that his cash cow is putting her foot down. When is he packing the rest of his bags?

I’ve been financially abused by these types twice. A previous poster is correct in saying our generosity and acting like money doesn’t matter contributes to the sense of entitlement these entitled scroungers develop.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again because I am worried for you.You should not underestimate how angry and bitter he is going to be. He is not a safe person to be around and you shouldn’t be alone with him.

The house and money is yours without question. But he has mentally claimed it as his own and this is a dangerous thing indeed. You know he mentally claimed it because he told you what his plans were for it. It wasn’t your money or even joint money, it was his. How he came to that conclusion doesn’t matter. What matters is that he believes it to be rightfully his and he is now going to feel that you are stealing from him.

He had big plans for his money. Buying a big house, starting a business. Retiring. Living the high life. From his perspective you are denying him access to his own money and spoiling his big plans. He will perceive you as controlling and denying him what is rightfully his. Why would he continue to work when he has all that money?

Imagine for a moment the fury he will be feeling towards you.

You should not talk to him ever again. You should speak to the DV team at your local police and inform them he’s been trying to financially abuse you. Coercive control is a precursor to actual violence and you should take it seriously. Do not be alone with him for any reason. This man is disordered to have come to such a conclusion. It stands to reason his reaction is also going to be disordered.

He is not going to be a happy bunny once he realises his entire cushy retirement rug fantasy is being pulled out from under him.

That's what negotiating is all about. Aiming at the other person's weaknesses.
His sounding like a little boy who has given away all his sweets is him using his negotiating skills on you IN THIS scenario.

Negotiators employ different skills in different settings to the outcome they desire.
That's negotiating. Negotiating always involves some acting.

You say he is an intelligent man, well he is. Do not be fooled.

He may well believe it BTW - he may well have just always thought a couple pool everything, and the length of your relationship means all assets are now joint.

That he’s not being malicious doesn’t change that it’s not a relationship form you want or have ever agreed to. You are under no obligation to go along with this and it’s completely fine to say you don’t want this.

and it’s great you’ve spelt it out now, he’s got time to save, he’s still in a high paying job, you’ve not waited until he’s quit to set up his business.

You’ve been really fair. if he doesn’t want a relationship on these terms, that’s also fine.

He may well believe it BTW - he may well have just always thought a couple pool everything, and the length of your relationship means all assets are now joint.

He clearly doesn’t believe it though because he earns twice as much as her but hasn’t been looking to pool household income. How convenient his beliefs about ‘sharing’ haven’t applied there.

Instead he’s payed a measly £600 for everything including the use of a spareroom for his kids, and used his low overheads to squirrel away money for himself /his business plans.

I think it’s wise and indeed safer to assume ill-intent because OP needs to be on high alert now. This is a man who has tried to play the long game and is very upset his plans to use OP aren’t working out.

completely agree with @Olivia2495 OP needs to take this very seriously and protect herself in every way.

He has been living in a state of cognitive dissonance around the fact that he keeps his own money mainly for himself but thinks yours should be fully shared with him.

Yes - in a truly committed relationship BOTH parties share their resources. It’s not complicated

I can only imagine how upset you're feeling OP. What a selfish, self-entitled prick.

I'd be spending the morning packing his bags.

So answer on your update is the plan tk end the relationship or are you still trying to work it out?

So, to clarify, he’d be totally happy with you putting everything you own into trust for your kids; using his savings for a deposit on a new much smaller jointly owned house; and jointly paying a mortgage which he’d pay more of because hes on a bigger salary.

It’s just the concept of not sharing assets that he dislikes…………. Right? Or would there suddenly be another concept that he dislikes at that point?

But he wasn't sharing his with you.

So what he actually truly believes is that a good relationship is one where he can use all his money however he likes but his partner must share her assets

I've just re-read your OP and your boyfriend says he doesn't want to be tied to the bank for twenty years with a mortgage, so wants you to borrow it off you. That indicates he's not expecting to pay interest - over twenty years?! You've only known him for three years!

In answer to your question about were there signs. I feel uncomfortable saying this but I’ve unfortunately had to reflect on this a lot. My answer is there was signs in me that I was willing to be exploited. There were signs in my beliefs about what love meant, being a people pleaser and pretending I did not care about assets when I did. I was a walking invitation for exploitation.

I would not have allowed a friend to have exploited me in the way my exes did, and I don’t think you would either. I don’t think you would have allowed a friend or lodger to move in and have a room for their children for £600 all in and save themselves £650 a month. His attitude to your assets would have began when you offered such a low contribution and agreed to financially support him. Because there is no way £600 a month covers food for him and his children and half the utilities.

There is a reason you were so generous and I don’t think it’s about the mortgage being paid off.

Back to scrounger. If you’ve ever seen the nightmare neighbour shows where someone wrongly decides their neighbour has stolen a foot of their garden despite being shown evidence to the contrary this is the attitude he will now have.

He saved more than £650 as he would have had bills on top of his rent. She said: he was paying £1,250 and then bills on top when he rented

@Maplelady I think that at first, your relationship was fine. I feel it might have started him thinking when he moved in and saw what you had and what he COULD have had, if he had acted more wisely with his money. He started thinking and came up with this fantasy, where he could share your wealth, while keeping his. He wants what you have but doesn't want to do the "details", like saving for his own house and saving up to open his own business, so he would have funds for a year or two while it gets off the ground. He saw that you already had a life he liked, part-time work, own your house and you were so much more than generous when he moved in. NVDP wanted that life too, but without the pesky obligations, so he decided, in his little mind, that you should make it possible for him. Even if it meant you lost everything or had less, to him, as long as he gained, that is all that mattered.

YOU did nothing, NOTHING wrong. You are not responsible for not wanting to give all you have away to some dud. You have children and they and you are what is important here. Dud showed his true colors and will not be happy that you weren't willing to give him half of what you have. Don't be surprised if he begins to love-bomb you, wanting to get married because "he can't go on without you". It will be that scenario, or the anger and "I deserve to have the life I want, and you should give it to me, no matter what you want".

Stay strong, be careful and please, please, please, get your locks changed. Also, don't let him into your house to get the rest of his stuff unless you put it all somewhere where he cannot go into your jewelry, purse or get near any valuables. He will feel entitled to take what he wants because, in his mind, you owe him. The fact that he got to have a roof over his head, heat, food and a place for his children for so very little contribution, will not occur to him. He, just like a child, will want to hurt you back. Be wary and prepared.

A lot of posters here, more than I ever thought could/would, have come out to support you. That should show you how much you are valued, even if you haven't met us! We care about you and want you safe, happy and secure.

It must seem so hard to reconcile the man you knew to the man you've now seen once the mask slipped.

It's also really scary to admit to yourself that you were being used and the person you shared your life with is manipulative and calculating.

You've shown real fortitude in maintaining your boundaries and standing firm. Don't try to second guess or minimise what you've now seen. It's so easy to sooth yourself back to sleep by thinking he can't possibly be that calculating. Sad reality is he is. To him, you were the cash cow that was going to enable a very comfortable retirement. Sorry to use that term but it's true

You need to overreact now rather than under react, for your own basic safety. Better to be well protected and feeling safe at this stage. Change the locks, then your house is secure whilst your process this.

I know I also sound paranoid but change all passwords on emails, bank accounts, everything. He'll have had an inkling this was coming so assume he's taken steps before he's left. He could be reading your emails to see what's going on.

As I say better to overreact at this stage and have space to breath than be picking up the. pieces

Spoilt? Entitled? Selfish? Man.
I'm just so glad he packed his bags and left. He made it easy for you.
He's not a good man at his core, despite being civil and normal in so much of day to day living.
My advice would be to change your locks and never let him back into your house or life.
He's trouble!!!

I bet he stormed out expecting u to back down and run after him crying come back.

Be grateful u saw his true colours before marriage appeared.

Honestly, there were signs but so much of it was down to me, as a PP put perfectly. It was me who was a people pleaser. I knew it wasn't right that I should be bankrolling him, but you do these things when you love someone don't you?

Completely agree that there was no way I'd have let a friend get away with what he did. It was my terribly low standards of accepting how I could be treated, lest I be "old and forever alone" (at the time thirty fucking six, FFS).

I literally laid it on a plate. And I'm so sorry, but giving him a home, all bills and food included, and a room for his children too, for £600 a month? You are the same as I was. The red flag? Being the person to take advantage of this, then go for more, and more, and more. You presented him with the keys to the candy shop...and now this shark is coming for the deeds to the store. But you aren't fully seeing it because you're literally enabling it and have been doing so for so long. Don't think for a moment this is your fault though. If I leave my car unlocked, it doesn't give him the right to steal my handbag on the seat. But if you're going to leave your handbag on the seat, and the car unlocked, guess what you attract...

Now as you finally start to see the reality and those feelings from deep within, of knowing this has been wrong, right from the start, are surfacing.

Yes. He's been acting this long. My father actually said mine was oscar worthy, so it made me bitter sweet smile to read you say the same.

And again, yes, treat him as a dangerous person. He's spent three years plotting and preparing "his" house/future plans. You think he's going to let that go without a reaction? Please, be over over over cautious.

And again, yes, treat him as a dangerous person. He's spent three years plotting and preparing "his" house/future plans. You think he's going to let that go without a reaction? Please, be over over over cautious.
Yes, this. He was so so confident he'd got you hooked and you'd go along with whatever he wanted. When he realises you're not going to cave, it's going to hit him like a brick in the face and there's the possibility he'll "retaliate" because in his mind you're the one who threw the brick.

@Maplelady it was like a little boy who’s given all his sweets away telling me that I need to share mine

Isn't it more that he's eaten all his sweets (spent his money on the immediate pleasures of life rather than investing for the future), not that he's given them away. His reason for not having significant savings/assets is not due to amazing philanthropy and charitable giving is it?