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Original poster

DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

621 replies

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 18:43

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

OP posts:
ScottBakula · 03/07/2024 20:14

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 19:07

I think this is it. He wants to set up a business in the next couple of years and worries that he won’t be able to do this with the burden of monthly mortgage repayments. If he was buying part of my house he could stop the payments if he needed to

Show quote history

It was already going to be a firm no from me before I read this update.

I would absolutely insist he opens a high interest bank account and pays in what you both agree is fair for a mortgage ( a lot more than £600) . He can not under any circumstances take the money out , then in 10 / 15 years time he hands every penny over to you so you can pay off the rest of the mortgage ( taking care there is no early repayment fees )
If he misses a payment the next month he has to pay a extra 10 or 20 % to cover the 'late payment fee' that the bank would charge if it was a mortgage.

On top of this he has to of course still pay his share of the household expenses, holidays , meals out etc .

If he starts up a business, it has to be with money out of a different pot .
If his business fails as so many new ones do in the 1st few years then any debt/ wages / cost have to come from him, not his mortgage account .

I'd get that all wrote and get a solicitor to make it legal and binding.

I somehow think he won't agree to it !

Mirabai · 03/07/2024 20:14

LizzieBennett73 · 03/07/2024 20:14

I'd be incredibly wary of someone who claims to earn £80k and has no savings or assets to show for it....

IKR who doesn’t want a mortgage to boot but wants a mortgage from his gf.

Changingplace · 03/07/2024 20:15

LizzieBennett73 · 03/07/2024 20:14

I'd be incredibly wary of someone who claims to earn £80k and has no savings or assets to show for it....

I agree, what on earth is he doing with that salary?

Debtfreegoals · 03/07/2024 20:15

Yea I would be cautious. I would just ask for a split cost of bills/utilities instead of rent

tosleeptodream · 03/07/2024 20:15

But as you're a couple, wouldn't you both be saving that money?

No. OP has savings. They're earning her money in the form of interest.

If she takes those savings and pays them down on a house, to avoid paying interest in a mortgage, a mortgage she does not need because she already owns a house...how is that saving her money? It isn't. It's losing her money, the interest she'd otherwise be getting on her savings.

Sunnydiary · 03/07/2024 20:18

Absolutely fucking not!

If he feels so uncomfortable paying you rent he can fuck off and pay another landlord.

Do not buy a property with him, he’s lining you up as a cash cow.

Schoolchoicesucks · 03/07/2024 20:20

Do you want to buy a new house?

And why is he OK with owing you £100k but not owing a bank £100k?

Would he be paying interest to you on the £100k loan?

If you want to own somewhere together, then I think your idea of buying somewhere together, as tenants in common with your share ringfenced and his share financed by mortgage is the most sensible.

Kelly51 · 03/07/2024 20:22

If he was buying part of my house he could stop the payments if he needed to
hahahaha!! paying a mortgage doesn't work like that , he'd leave you short if he was struggling a month?
off he fucks!

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 03/07/2024 20:22

So in his plan, you buy a house outright, but you both own it. He pays you a sum each month to pay back his share, which would be around what he’s paying now anyway.

in the meantime, he is going to set up a new business which may or may not succeed. Other posters have suggested that if it’s not going well he can be “flexible” in paying you back whereas he can’t be with a bank. But also, if he owns half a house, he can borrow against that for his business. You might end up losing half the house even if you don’t lose him.

just nope.

Andthereitis · 03/07/2024 20:22

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 19:10

This is good advice. We are a bit conditioned to feel guilty about removing emotions from these sorts of decisions because it makes us look like mean spirited partners. I kind of see his logic but it just feels off to me

Show quote history

it's wonky logic that only benefits him.
And that means its bad for you.

OVienna · 03/07/2024 20:24

What a tw**! Chancing his arm. Awful.

StMarieforme · 03/07/2024 20:25

No. Far too risky.

He pays the bank, like everyone else. Or not at all.

Razorwire · 03/07/2024 20:25

OP, your idea is better.
Sad he wants cake and eat it too!

This financial arrangement must be fair for both regardless if stay together, one dies or divorce/break up. Your money must be solidly yours, do not put it at risk.

VeryConfuzzled · 03/07/2024 20:26

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 18:43

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

I don’t understand why you can’t just go for this option? That way your 100k savings is untouched.

ETA: If he wants to start a business, he needs to save up for it. Just as he needs to save up for anything that he wants to do. It’s not your responsibility to facilitate his dreams and ambitions. You’re already planning to sell your house and are putting in a huge deposit which will then reduce the mortgage repayment etc.

CheeseyOnionPie · 03/07/2024 20:26

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 19:07

I think this is it. He wants to set up a business in the next couple of years and worries that he won’t be able to do this with the burden of monthly mortgage repayments. If he was buying part of my house he could stop the payments if he needed to

Show quote history

Ohh how very bloody lovely for him! No way on earth I would agree to this. He wants all the benefits and none of the risk. World doesn’t work like that buddy.

OolongTeaDrinker · 03/07/2024 20:26

What exactly does he consider would be the benefit for you in this arrangement? What an odd man!

Starlight7080 · 03/07/2024 20:27

So instead of paying you 600 towards things now he wants a new house and you buy it and he pays you money each month...sounds very similar.

And you take all the risk .
Do you have dc ?

JustAnotherSexStarvedHusband · 03/07/2024 20:27

gardenmusic · 03/07/2024 20:02

JustAnotherSexStarvedHusband

No, just another mysogynist.

You're wrong to say I'm just another mysogynist.

It's "misogynist".

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/07/2024 20:29

That's a great bit fat NO.

Keep your house and your security as your own. If he wants to own a property, he can bloody well buy one like everyone else.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/07/2024 20:30

And that thing about a few hundred quid a month to "gradually" buy into your equity is rubbish. That's called living costs.

Vladthecat · 03/07/2024 20:31

Absolutely NO !!
Hell be gaining at your expense. And if it all goes belly up and you split it will be complicated whereas now you can kick him out if it doesn’t work.

If he doesn’t like being your lodger he needs to make some effort and take on financial commitments of his own.

He wants it easy. Don’t let him !!

Whatshappning · 03/07/2024 20:33

tosleeptodream · 03/07/2024 20:10

My guess is once he's got his feet under the table he'll start throwing his weight around, whilst simultaneously shirking the payments, secure in the knowledge that OP won't end the relationship no matter how bad he gets because if she does she'll lose half her house.

OP it's a fact of life that arseholes like this tend not to respect you if you don't even respect yourself. No self-respecting person would allow themselves to be used this way. It's a red flag (for low self esteem or something) in yourself that you're even considering it.

Show quote history

So true. I think you need to look at why you’re even entertaining such a ridiculous plan . I’d most likely split up with someone if they tried to exploit me like this. I certainly wouldn’t be considering if it was fair or not as it’s clearly not.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/07/2024 20:36

Absolutely not OP. This has got disaster written all over it. I would seriously be rethinking this relationship. He’s treating you like a mortgage provider so that he doesn’t shoulder any of the risk. You’ve worked hard to own your own home - it’s your security. Get some legal advice on how to protect yourself and your home before you do anything else. And don’t let him pay for anything connected with the house in the meantime.

EmeraldRoulette · 03/07/2024 20:37

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 19:43

He can get a mortgage because I’ve seen the mortgage in principle. He just doesn’t want it. Can I ask if your future partners have been cool about you never wanting to become financially intertwined?

Show quote history

If he's not okay with this, just end it.

I'm really concerned at his suggestion.

crowgift · 03/07/2024 20:37

I wouldn't be doing this and I would absolutely suggest that you draw up a lodger agreement as, if he is banking on you funding him while he sets up a business for his own benefit, it may be that you need a way to remove him easily.

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