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Original poster

DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

621 replies

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 18:43

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

OP posts:
tosleeptodream · 12/07/2024 21:22

You need to give him reasonable notice to leave

She absolutely bloody doesn't! She's within her rights to change the locks and throw him out tonight. Given his attitude, I'd be doing just that. He has £20k, he can spend some of that on a hotel for the time being and securing a private rental when he's able to. Or he can put it down as deposit on the first cheap thing he can find to purchase and take out a mortgage for the rest. Whatever, even if he was going to be sleeping in his car tonight, he still wouldn't be OPs problem.

Whatshappning · 12/07/2024 21:22

I understand you’re still processing things as you’re seeing a whole new man but you seem to be a bit passive about this.

Why is it that he even had the chance to decide to tell you he was leaving?You had said in one of your earlier updates if the conversation didn’t go well and he wasn’t able to see how wrong he was - you’d be ending things.

So really at this point you should be looking to do that, instead of giving him more chances to mess you about and dance in and out of your life.

Maybe have a think about how you’re going to move forward? There’s nothing else to discuss surely at this point. So, it’s actually a positive he’s moved out to his friends for a while. He has done you a favour.

You’ve now got the weekend to get things sorted in your head and make a proactive decision rather than be reactive to his sulks and emotional blackmail.

ETA: And he is clearly being manipulative as almost everyone else on this thread can see. Just because he’s being so obvious about it now doesn’t take away the fact he has been biding his time and has been calculated up until now .

He’s not able to conceal things as well right now because he’s now finding that his plans aren’t going his way and his emotions are taking over in a way that they wouldn’t in his professional work.

But be in no doubt that he is being manipulative and sadly he has had his eyes on your assets for a long time.

StopInhalingRevels · 12/07/2024 21:24

I also want to point out that this is how mine got to do so much damage.

It wasn't so much that I was a naive fool, but more so that until you encounter someone like this, you can't believe they exist. For you are anyone you have ever met before to behave like this, deliberately, would be so incomprehensible that you look for other justifications, because, well he just can't be doing that. No one could. Sadly, he is.

I am a qualified financial professional. The woman he did it to before me is a partner of a law firm. We are not silly women. She (we ended up meeting and actually helped each other through a lot) is one of the most impressive, caring and compassionate women I have ever met. She said similar about me.

Men like this are master manipulators and you were like a flashing beacon to him. Get him out, I can't tell you strongly enough.

tosleeptodream · 12/07/2024 21:26

He truly thinks that unless couples share all assets it’s not committed relationship

Oh yeah?! Where's his £86k salary then? Not being paid into a joint account for you both to use is it..

He wasn't even willing to out his £20k savings into this new house purchase he wanted.

Nah, this is just code for "I intend to get onto your house deeds then use it as collateral for this new business I'll soon discover I CBA to run profitably"

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 12/07/2024 21:32

tosleeptodream · 12/07/2024 21:26

He truly thinks that unless couples share all assets it’s not committed relationship

Oh yeah?! Where's his £86k salary then? Not being paid into a joint account for you both to use is it..

He wasn't even willing to out his £20k savings into this new house purchase he wanted.

Nah, this is just code for "I intend to get onto your house deeds then use it as collateral for this new business I'll soon discover I CBA to run profitably"

Edited

this. It is manipulation

Whatshappning · 12/07/2024 21:34

tosleeptodream · 12/07/2024 21:26

He truly thinks that unless couples share all assets it’s not committed relationship

Oh yeah?! Where's his £86k salary then? Not being paid into a joint account for you both to use is it..

He wasn't even willing to out his £20k savings into this new house purchase he wanted.

Nah, this is just code for "I intend to get onto your house deeds then use it as collateral for this new business I'll soon discover I CBA to run profitably"

Edited

This exactly. OP what he is saying isn’t adding up. He thinks YOU should share your assets with him but he is not applying this standard to himself.

Olivia2495 · 12/07/2024 21:34

Despite the fact these conversations are about money, it’s important to remember that financial abuse is not actually about the money. It’s about control.

You really need to go NC now. What he’s doing is a crime and i think you are underestimating just how angry he will be that his plan hasn’t worked out.

tosleeptodream · 12/07/2024 21:39

He’s an intelligent man and it was like a little boy who’s given all his sweets away telling me that I need to share mine.

He's not an intelligent man, that was an act you bought into. The tantruming child is the real him. I'm not surprised you're in utter disbelief. You've spent 3yrs loving someone who doesn't exist.

However expensive an emergency locksmith at this time of night is, I'll tell you - ITS CHEAP! Make that call, secure your future, get your new keys. Then block him on all platforms. Tomorrow you can start de-boyfriending your house, call up your pals for a shoulder to cry on and buy yourself a massive bunch of flowers because you deserve it. His stuff on your driveway is all the communication he needs. Close the windows and curtains, disconnect the doorbell and call police if he kicks off. You've got this.

StopInhalingRevels · 12/07/2024 21:44

You really need to go NC now. What he’s doing is a crime and i think you are underestimating just how angry he will be that his plan hasn’t worked out.

Massively this. I don't want to frighten you OP, but please start listening to people who have been exactly where you are standing and never thought this could happen to them.

He is likely to become very nasty when he realises there is no avenue left to extort.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 12/07/2024 21:49

That’s the only way it makes sense to me. This man is a trained negotiator and there was nothing well thought out or slick about the delivery

That's because he can't negotiate something so utterly unfair

VeryStressedMum · 12/07/2024 21:51

He knows what he's doing he is manipulating you by walking out using the threat of the relationship ending to get you to do what he wants. Do not fall for it.
He may not have rehearsed the conversation but do not think for a minute that he's all confused and doesn't realise what he's saying.

Do not give this man money

VeryStressedMum · 12/07/2024 21:53

Also if he's a trained negotiator then he has very good insight on how to manipulate people and get them to bend. He knows exactly what he doing

CheekyHobson · 12/07/2024 22:18

Oh yeah?! Where's his £86k salary then? Not being paid into a joint account for you both to use is it..

EXACTLY.

He has been living in a state of cognitive dissonance around the fact that he keeps his own money mainly for himself but thinks yours should be fully shared with him. He has developed a sense of entitlement to your financial support (perhaps because he has become reliant on it to facilitate the lifestyle he feels he "deserves") and he maintains his cognitive dissonance simply by avoiding thinking clearly about the facts of the situation.

Now that you've forced him to confront the reality, he is spinning out and lashing out by assassinating your character ("money-oriented"), making grandiose claims about fictional situations ("I'd share with you if it were the other way around") and threatening the relationship. These are textbook manipulative plays.

It's always bewildering when you discover someone you loved was wearing a mask all along, but there will have been clues along the way if you allow yourself to reflect on it.

CheekyHobson · 12/07/2024 22:26

It wasn't so much that I was a naive fool, but more so that until you encounter someone like this, you can't believe they exist. For you are anyone you have ever met before to behave like this, deliberately, would be so incomprehensible that you look for other justifications, because, well he just can't be doing that. No one could. Sadly, he is.

@StopInhalingRevels

Spot on. I had the same sense of disbelief, like... really? For years and years he was telling me I was controlling about money and unfair to him because I wanted to make a plan to reduce spending, pay off debts and get savings behind us on our tight family income? And all the while he was hiding thousands of dollars of income a month and spending it on luxuries for himself behind my back? He did this with no real signs of guilt, telling straight-faced lies that would have eaten me up inside?

Even when the evidence is right there in front of you in black and white, there's still a part of you that kind of can't believe someone could be so selfish and dishonest, because acting like they have feels so utterly foreign to you that you can't comprehend it.

Nanaof1 · 12/07/2024 22:26

Maplelady · 12/07/2024 20:13

He truly thinks that unless couples share all assets it’s not committed relationship. His delivery of this wasn’t even good enough to be considered manipulative. He’s an intelligent man and it was like a little boy who’s given all his sweets away telling me that I need to share mine. He’s packed a bag and gone to stay with a friend. I’m in a state of utter disbelief

I think he really means, "If Maplelady doesn't share all of her assets, it's not a committed relationship."

The sad thing is, he really does think he deserves 1/2 of your assets after just 3 years. He is proving what I wrote before. If he was in your house, and you happened to predecease him, he would not give up the property without a very large cost to your heirs and a long, long time. He would probably destroy the house on the way out.

I am sad for you that he is gone, but also happy for you, because you have seen his true colors before it was too late. Please get your locks changed, so he no longer has free access to you or the house. I don't trust him, and neither should you. His free ride has come to an end, and his plans for living off you while he starts his "business" has failed. That makes him unpredictable.

Razorwire · 12/07/2024 22:26

I wonder if there is a reason he is suddenly interested in this financial arrangement, besides his age.

He did say he wanted to work less hours/ part time … perhaps that’s his motivator. Work less but lock in financial security. Swan around leisure life with the missus paying the bills. Or his start/up?

interesting chat he will have with his “friend” … they usually bitching woman stealing their money in a split. This time, it was the man stealing it!

Ferling strongly you have the upper hand. He asked for something and you said No. He is still in v weak position on all aspects.
No sure ur relationship can survive this, Stay strong.

Nanaof1 · 12/07/2024 22:32

Maplelady · 12/07/2024 20:55

That’s the only way it makes sense to me. This man is a trained negotiator and there was nothing well thought out or slick about the delivery.

Show quote history

Because he thought the hurt little boy act would make you believe he has no ill intentions. If he had done the angry, foiled man who had thought he was going to get his way and now is seeing he will not, his whole mask would have slipped.

He wants to share YOUR assets, and THEN he will feel he is in a committed relationship. Until the money dries up, and he has snuffed out everything you love and hold dear.

MounjaroUser · 12/07/2024 22:40

tosleeptodream · 12/07/2024 21:26

He truly thinks that unless couples share all assets it’s not committed relationship

Oh yeah?! Where's his £86k salary then? Not being paid into a joint account for you both to use is it..

He wasn't even willing to out his £20k savings into this new house purchase he wanted.

Nah, this is just code for "I intend to get onto your house deeds then use it as collateral for this new business I'll soon discover I CBA to run profitably"

Edited

Exactly this. How come he didn't put his salary into the pot, then?

MounjaroUser · 12/07/2024 22:43

OP, he will be hoping now that he's got you in a state of panic. He's run away because he knows his argument has more holes than a sieve. He's hoping to attack you emotionally, so you feel you can't live without him and will therefore sign a blank cheque.

It's over now. You've seen his true self and it's really ugly and selfish. Get his stuff bagged up.

AnotherEmma · 12/07/2024 22:51

Maplelady · 12/07/2024 20:13

He truly thinks that unless couples share all assets it’s not committed relationship. His delivery of this wasn’t even good enough to be considered manipulative. He’s an intelligent man and it was like a little boy who’s given all his sweets away telling me that I need to share mine. He’s packed a bag and gone to stay with a friend. I’m in a state of utter disbelief

It must be a shock, but it's good that he's gone. Did he give you his keys?

MounjaroUser · 12/07/2024 22:53

He won't have given her her keys back. He's trying to frighten her into apologising, taking him back and writing him a big cheque. If he gave her the keys back he might not get them back again.

He's making me think of a toddler tantrum where they have one eye on your reaction the whole time.

AnotherEmma · 12/07/2024 22:54

As for sharing assets... I wonder how much is in his pension pot, and whether it's significantly larger than OP's. If so, I somehow doubt he was proposing to even that up!

blueshoes · 12/07/2024 23:04

He’s packed a bag and gone to stay with a friend. I’m in a state of utter disbelief

It cannot be this easy, can it? You are in a state of utter disbelief because he actually thinks you will cave and coming running after him to come back.

You are shocked he so blatantly takes you for a fool. How crudely transparent the motives of this 'master negotiator' is.

Is he hiding in plain sight like Jimmy Saville? You are feeling confused. You are suspending disbelief.

Please find your inner rage and pack up the rest of his things. Leave it on the front step in a bin bag and change the locks. Don't think there is anything more to discuss.

Original poster
Maplelady · 12/07/2024 23:06

StopInhalingRevels · 12/07/2024 21:24

I also want to point out that this is how mine got to do so much damage.

It wasn't so much that I was a naive fool, but more so that until you encounter someone like this, you can't believe they exist. For you are anyone you have ever met before to behave like this, deliberately, would be so incomprehensible that you look for other justifications, because, well he just can't be doing that. No one could. Sadly, he is.

I am a qualified financial professional. The woman he did it to before me is a partner of a law firm. We are not silly women. She (we ended up meeting and actually helped each other through a lot) is one of the most impressive, caring and compassionate women I have ever met. She said similar about me.

Men like this are master manipulators and you were like a flashing beacon to him. Get him out, I can't tell you strongly enough.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, it sounds truly horrendous. When you look back were there signs that you didn’t spot at the time? This relationship has just seemed so… normal. It was well paced, no love bombing stuff and he’s been even tempered and fair in his dealings with others. Is it really possible that someone who’s after your house could act normally for so long? If so, he deserves an Oscar

OP posts:
Vladthecat · 12/07/2024 23:13

“If finances aren’t shared it’s not a proper relationship”???

Has he been sharing his £8OK salary with you,OP?
He says he has £20K savings. I’d wager he has more squirrelled away that you don’t know about.

Cutting his hours could be part of his plan to retire early ( possibly on a pension you know nothing about ). Getting his paws on your house would give him some security allowing him to concentrate on his hobby business with no financial risk to him. He may plan to draw on ( or pay more into ) a pension. A nice easy retirement for him while you carry on working.
This is not the action of a person who loves you.

I hope you will heed advice here and keep him out of your house.
Can you take a day off work tomorrow and get the locks changed?
Meanwhile, tonight, keep your door locked with the key left in the lock.