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DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

621 replies

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 18:43

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

OP posts:
Maplelady · 11/07/2024 23:20

LittleGreenDragons · 11/07/2024 23:12

Oh wow...

So who does he expect will pay for the house that he will live in? Or pay the bills while he takes a pay cut? Or put food on the table while he gets his business up and running? I wonder who he thinks should be a muggins 🤔

I am so sorry OP. This must have completely blind sided you.

It’s completely blindsided me. I’m genuinely lost for words. I’m not angry or upset, just completely stunned

OP posts:
blueshoes · 11/07/2024 23:21

Maplelady · 11/07/2024 23:14

He said if he owned a house and had paid off the mortgage then he wouldn’t charge me

Ah the guilt trip. How predictable.

TargetPractice11 · 11/07/2024 23:24

@blueshoes a tale as old as time on here.

Another classic was accusing OP of being 'money oriented' because she had the audacity to query his decision about her funding his life style indefinitely.

kkloo · 11/07/2024 23:28

Maplelady · 11/07/2024 23:14

He said if he owned a house and had paid off the mortgage then he wouldn’t charge me

This would make sense in the longer term because I don't think people do tend to charge their partners rent if there is no mortgage, if they're committed to being together.

But it sounds like for him the 'longer term' means now....and he also thinks you should buy a better house 😏🤔

littleapplecottage · 11/07/2024 23:34

"He said if he owned a house and had paid off the mortgage then he wouldn’t charge me"

How convenient that he doesn't own a house so he gets to be generous with your money instead.

Not sure how you could respect after this, disappointing how it is to lose a relationship that you thought was healthy, when it obviously isn't, it's still hard.

blueshoes · 11/07/2024 23:40

TargetPractice11 · 11/07/2024 23:24

@blueshoes a tale as old as time on here.

Another classic was accusing OP of being 'money oriented' because she had the audacity to query his decision about her funding his life style indefinitely.

Indeed.

It is called "projection". Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where someone denies their own negative traits or behaviors and attributes them to others.

Also, a form of "DARVO" (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) used by abusers to deny their wrongdoing, attack the victim for bringing it up, and then reverse the roles of victim and offender, making themselves seem like the victim and the actual victim appear to be the abuser.

All from the abusers playbook, with a little help from ChatGPT.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 11/07/2024 23:40

blueshoes · 11/07/2024 23:21

Ah the guilt trip. How predictable.

Because he is shit with money and doesnt think beyond now.

he doesnt want to live in your house, he can move out.

Vladthecat · 11/07/2024 23:47

I think from his input tonight, your only option is to end it.
That’s the best option for you OP. The only way your are guaranteed not to be fleeced by him in any way.

So he initially wanted to use his rent to buy into your property.
Now he’s revealed he plans to take a pay cut and you’ll be subsidising him ?!

Don't feel sorry for him. He’s a parasite trying to latch onto you. Get rid.

It shouldn’t be too hard. Surely he’s given you the ick by now ?

CheekyHobson · 11/07/2024 23:55

I’m really sorry @Maplelady but also sadly unsurprised.

Totally get that feeling of being so shocked there’s hardly room for other emotions yet. In some ways, it’s good, as in my experience it quickly resolves into a cold clarity that enables you to take swift and decisive action to protect yourself before the complicated and exhausting emotional response kicks in.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/07/2024 00:08

Maplelady · 11/07/2024 23:14

He said if he owned a house and had paid off the mortgage then he wouldn’t charge me

The thing he's conveniently forgetting is, that it's not about paying the mortgage, it's paying for the council tax, water bill, gas, electricity and FOOD. £600 for all that is a bloody bargain. He'll bloody wish he'd kept his ungrateful mouth shut when you ask him what day he plans to move out of your house that he's ever so unhappy living in.

TargetPractice11 · 12/07/2024 00:48

This guy thinks

  • he's too good for a corporate job
  • he's too good for a mortgage
  • he's too good to pay board.

All these things that other people do are beneath him.

Other people should subsidise him indefinitely.

What an absolute twat.

Blibbleflibble · 12/07/2024 01:05

He sounds like he's trying to position himself into cocklodger territory OP so you can subsidise his big gold plated cock man plans. Fuck that shit.

Tell me this, if you're subsidising him so he has the capital to set up on his own will you have a stake in the company? Or is it all your risk and all his reward? Also telling you you're money orientated, what a prize twat.

BabyFedUp445 · 12/07/2024 01:33

I'm so sorry, OP. To have shown himself to be so selfish, irresponsible and manipulative must be hard to take right now. You'll be OK, thank your lucky stars he's shown you who he is.

pikkumyy77 · 12/07/2024 01:36

Beey sorry, OP.

OhcantthInkofaname · 12/07/2024 02:05

MapleLady - I am sorry he turned into a louse. What exactly is wrong with your house except that it's in your name? He basically wants you to gift him 300,000. Money that you worked long and hard for... He needs you to leave your home as soon as possible.

TiffanyTaylor · 12/07/2024 02:27

No because if things go south you will have no savings or life line

tosleeptodream · 12/07/2024 03:24

His update is not surprising. He's after your money OP and perhaps always was. He wants another house bought whilst you were together because first it'll feel more like it's both your place, which doesn't happen when you move into someone's established home. Second, the relationship is on the rocks now and when you split, he'll try saying you bought the house with the intention of sharing it (regardless of it being only in your name and you both not married or he'll want it in his name from the get-go) and try getting some of the house's value like it was a divorce.

There's nothing wrong with being money focussed, that's how you've ended up with the assets you have whilst earning half as much as him! Lots of men who've felt fleeced in a divorce (whether they have or haven't been) refuse to marry again or have joint finances, to prevent it happening again. You're not being unreasonable. You've been burned once, you've got a life you're happy with, a partner should add to that not detract from it.

You've offered to purchase a house with him jointly, which is messy enough if you split. It's also compromise enough, considering you like where you live now and if you split it would be easy on you because he just moves out, no hassle and no upheaval.

I note that he is still trying to pressurise you. He's slagging you off, accusing you of being unreasonable and of having undesirable personality traits. Yet if he believes that, then why isn't he ending the relationship if he thinks you're that awful? He's still hoping you'll cave. He's totally selfish, emotionally stunted with no ability to see anything from your point of view, just I want, I want, I want and none of what he wants benefits the relationship or you both as a couple at all. It's all solely to benefit him.

It really shows how full of entitlement he is to have even made his initial propositon. Anyone decent would have either stayed living separately because he didn't want to pay you rent and you didn't want him living there without that, then been happy to get a mortgage to share a house purchase with you. Or at least, if hoping for what he wants, a decent person would have waited for you to offer it and split up if you didn't. Only an entitled person has the cheek to actually ask for the moon on a stick, then sulks and gets cross when they can't have it.

tosleeptodream · 12/07/2024 03:44

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/07/2024 00:08

The thing he's conveniently forgetting is, that it's not about paying the mortgage, it's paying for the council tax, water bill, gas, electricity and FOOD. £600 for all that is a bloody bargain. He'll bloody wish he'd kept his ungrateful mouth shut when you ask him what day he plans to move out of your house that he's ever so unhappy living in.

Exactly. How much of that would have been rent? £100-200 at most. I won't pay rent on other people's homes unless they're an official landlord, not my partner. But if I had no spare cash at the end of the month and wanted to save up a deposit for a mortgage and also see if the relationship works with us living together, I'd suck up the rent portion of the payment on a temporary basis for a year to enable me to do both those things.

That he's gone into this rental arrangement willingly when he doesn't want to do it long term (but hadn't bothered to tell OP that), means he either had zero long term plans at all (worrying in someone his age!). Or he was planning to fleece OP all along.

tosleeptodream · 12/07/2024 04:21

Maplelady · 11/07/2024 23:14

He said if he owned a house and had paid off the mortgage then he wouldn’t charge me

He wouldn't need to. You'd happily be offering up half the bills because you're not a selfish twat. And charging you rent when he earns twice as much as you would be considered taking the piss by some.

Anyway, he doesn't get to tell you what you're "allowed" to want. It doesn't actually matter if he'd buy you gold bars as gifts each week, as well as paying all the bills and scattering rose petals along the garden path each night for when you arrived home. He isn't you. You don't have to want the same things he does. You're entitled to decide your own wants and needs, you don't require anyone's permission to want/need them. Two people can want to do vastly different things without either of them being unreasonable. It would make them completely incompatible though. (Although in your particular situation he is unreasonable too).

I once had a partner give me a key to their place. They didn't like it that they didn't have a key to mine. And cited me having theirs as a reason they should have one for mine. I told them that's different and they asked how come. So I told them: because you don't mind and I do. They liked coming home to find me there having popped in for some reason or other, they liked not having to stop what they were doing to answer the door to me, they didn't mind me coming and going as I pleased, they valued being surrounded by friends and disliked being alone. Whereas I need alone time, I'm introverted and find people drain me. I'd have been horrified to find someone there when I came back, I didn't mind answering the door if I chose to. If they'd showed up uninvited when we'd argued and I was still cross with them, or when I was taking a nap, I wanted the option of not answering the door. I definitely didn't want them able to decide for themselves that they were going to see me whether I liked it or not, because they had a key and could let themselves in. You don't have to be clones of each other just because you're in a relationship, you're allowed to be different people and want different things. If the differences mean you're incompatible, so be it, nobody can help that.

OP, his comments shows that he doesn't see you as a separate person. Someone who is entitled to their own wants and needs. You're just an add-on to his life. He can't comprehend you not wanting what he wants, or at least going along with it, just because he says so. Same with the thing about cutting his wages and starting a business. If you're pooling resources, that's stuff that gets discussed and an agreement come to, not one person unilaterally making a decision and announcing to the other "you're to buy me xyz, I'll pay you back in tiny amounts if I can be arsed, I'm slashing my income drastically to piss about living the dream and if my business fails my backup income is you" then expecting you to be ok with it.

Nanaof1 · 12/07/2024 05:50

Maplelady · 11/07/2024 22:45

That has gone even more spectacularly badly than I could have imagined. He doesn’t want a mortgage (which is fine by me!) but also doesn’t think that he should pay rent in the longer term. He said it’s irrelevant that he earns twice what I do or would be paying to rent privately if he didn’t live with me. I’m apparently ‘money oriented’ (bearing in mind this conversation was to iron out an issue about finances) and he plans on taking a pay cut because he’s had enough of corporate life and wants to set up on his own. Oh and he doesn’t want to live in this house anymore and I should buy a new one. What a shit show

Edited

Well, him not wanting to live in your house makes that a quite easy solution!

I am so very sorry that he disappointed you as he has. I am not sorry that you now know his REAL intentions. You have, again, witnessed his manipulation and narcissistic traits. I am thrilled that you have learned these facts before he destroyed your safety, security and finances.

He wants to live off of you, and the fact that you don't want that, matters not a bit to him.

Feel free to tell him from me, "Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya" as you show him to the door (and get the locks changed).

Please keep us updated as there are so many of us that care, very much.

Un-Mumsnet {{HUGS}} for having the veil lifted.

Nanaof1 · 12/07/2024 05:56

Maplelady · 11/07/2024 23:14

He said if he owned a house and had paid off the mortgage then he wouldn’t charge me

Well, if I had a jet, I'd give your NVDP half of a Trans-Atlantic flight!

How easy to have edicts when you have nothing with which to back them.

He SHOULD have a paid off mortgage. The fact that he doesn't show he wants others to have the responsibility, while he flits to and fro, spending money like there's an endless bank.

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 12/07/2024 06:15

Maplelady · 11/07/2024 09:52

I get your point from an outside perspective. It’s a 3 year relationship and I’m not going to end it based on one conversation that recently happened.

Really sorry you are going through this @Maplelady .

Respect that last night's conversation was a step that needed to happen in order for you to fully understand what an utterly over-entitled cocklodger-in-waiting leech this guy plans to be. Now you can move on with your life without him knowing that you gave him a chance. You aren't ending it based on one conversation. You are ending it based on the fact that he is temperamentally unsuitable to be anyone's partner. What he needs is a doormat to use. I pity whoever he gets his claws into next but I am glad his good-guy-mask slipped enough that you can escape.

Beautiful3 · 12/07/2024 06:34

I'm sorry, he wants you to buy a nicer house to live in for free?! He's also planning to work less, so he couldn't possibly pay you anything in the future even if you needed him to?! He doesn't think he should pay towards council tax, gas, electric, water and food?! If you don't kick him out now, you are going to be stuck with him forever, and itsbharder to kicknout someone penniless! Unless you think he deserves a better home for zero contribution?! 😆 You can do so much better.

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 12/07/2024 06:44

... apologies I didn't realise until after the edit window closed that this sentence needed a comma

"move on with your life without him knowing that..."

Should be

"move on with your life without him, knowing that..."

Without a comma it could have been misread as
"move on with your life, without him knowing that..."
Which would mean something different.

Sortingmyselfoutdayatatime · 12/07/2024 06:50

He really has it all planned out doesn’t he.
he is money oriented in that he doesn’t think he needs part with any
act now else I suspect this will get worse