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Original poster

DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

621 replies

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 18:43

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

OP posts:
Razorwire · 12/07/2024 12:35

Sorry Babe, just can’t give you my life savings .

MounjaroUser · 12/07/2024 12:46

Razorwire · 12/07/2024 12:35

Sorry Babe, just can’t give you my life savings .

Exactly!

And "Your bags are packed."

HellonHeels · 12/07/2024 12:46

Wow he sounds actively nasty. Horrible man.

MikeRafone · 12/07/2024 12:51

Op is being asked if she will be a meal ticket. He wants an interest free mortgage without the ties - its so laughable its beyond reality

If he doesn't want to feel like a lodger - then he needs to buy a share of a house or buy a house. If he want to do that outright, then he needs to get saving

MounjaroUser · 12/07/2024 13:07

I don't think there's anyone in the world who wants to pay rent or a mortgage. We'd all like somewhere safe and lovely to live, where we paid fuck all. Why does he think he's so special?

MounjaroUser · 12/07/2024 13:08

HellonHeels · 12/07/2024 12:46

Wow he sounds actively nasty. Horrible man.

The reason he's nasty now is because he sees his meal ticket slipping away. He wouldn't have been nasty while it was still in sight.

BabyFedUp445 · 12/07/2024 13:31

I've often felt that as women, being called "money oriented " is always said as something negative, another stick to beat us with. Whereas men are just "savvy" and praised for it. Sets us up so badly to be financially abused. My exH took advantage of me, happily took my money, while calling me all kinds of names for working too hard and being too ambitious. Being young, it took me a while to see how fucked up that was and luckily left, I lost about 50-60k to him though.

You really need to stand your ground and take care of yourself. No one else will. As hard as it is, I'm glad you have seen him for who he is.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 12/07/2024 14:45

I think I'd take him up on his word. He doesn't want to live in this house any longer and you don't want to move, so the best thing all round is for him to move out. You can then both decide if you are happy to continue with the relationship but live separately.

KievLoverTwo · 12/07/2024 15:58

All frill and no knickers made me LOL, sorry OP. It's a rubbish situation he's put you in; but it's far better to know what he's like now than find out once you're joint home owners.

>Why he hasn’t saved money on his salary is a big concern

My OH had been working in London for 5 years when we got together; he had 50k in the bank (his pre-London salaries were completely unremarkable). He had nice holidays and camera gear and computers but had no sort of spending habits. About a year after we'd got together he finished paying off his student loan. His salary back then was around 67k iirc - this was 6 years ago. He was 36 back then, and has always been a responsible type.

So yeah, what he's been doing with his money would be a concern to me, too. But it very much sounds like you're 'out' of this, and good for you.

Original poster
Maplelady · 12/07/2024 20:13

He truly thinks that unless couples share all assets it’s not committed relationship. His delivery of this wasn’t even good enough to be considered manipulative. He’s an intelligent man and it was like a little boy who’s given all his sweets away telling me that I need to share mine. He’s packed a bag and gone to stay with a friend. I’m in a state of utter disbelief

OP posts:
prettybird · 12/07/2024 20:23

....which could possibly have been ok if a) he hadn't been expecting you to use your savings to move into a new (presumably bigger) house Shock and b) his "commitment" wasn't extending to sharing a higher proportion of the bills given that he earns more and would be "saving" on his rent Hmm

If the relationship were as committed as he seems to think it is, then his plans to go self-employed would be a joint one and there would effectively be a joint business plan of sorts.

For example, when does he expect his new venture to start showing a return? Or does he expect you to support him indefinitely? Hmm

He's not thought this through Confused

No, just no.

Vladthecat · 12/07/2024 20:36

He’s moved out in a huff because you wouldn’t just give him a huge slice of your assets.

He’s trying to guilt trip you but he’s the guilty one,OP.
Now that he’s moved out, change the locks and don’t let him back.
Job done !

It must be a shock and upsetting for you but just reflect on the enormity of what he’s tried to do to you and be glad he’s gone so easily.

He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing and you’ve had a lucky escape.

Has he taken all his stuff ?
If yes, just block him and plan a little treat for yourself. 💐

EmeraldRoulette · 12/07/2024 20:45

@Maplelady “He truly thinks that unless couples share all assets it’s not committed relationship”

but he isn’t sharing his!

StopInhalingRevels · 12/07/2024 20:45

Maplelady · 12/07/2024 20:13

He truly thinks that unless couples share all assets it’s not committed relationship. His delivery of this wasn’t even good enough to be considered manipulative. He’s an intelligent man and it was like a little boy who’s given all his sweets away telling me that I need to share mine. He’s packed a bag and gone to stay with a friend. I’m in a state of utter disbelief

FFS don't let him back!!!

He doesn't think that. You know that, right? Please tell me you know that. It's really sounding like you think he genuinely believes this. He categorically doesn't.

Olika · 12/07/2024 20:48

Oh god please don't let him come back. Stay strong!

AmandaHoldensLips · 12/07/2024 20:50

Bloody hell.

He had it all worked out in his head, didn't he? And is outraged that you wouldn't just roll over and hand him a big fat slice of your cake.

Lndnew · 12/07/2024 20:54

He obviously does not truly think that.

Original poster
Maplelady · 12/07/2024 20:55

StopInhalingRevels · 12/07/2024 20:45

FFS don't let him back!!!

He doesn't think that. You know that, right? Please tell me you know that. It's really sounding like you think he genuinely believes this. He categorically doesn't.

Show quote history

That’s the only way it makes sense to me. This man is a trained negotiator and there was nothing well thought out or slick about the delivery.

OP posts:
StopInhalingRevels · 12/07/2024 21:02

Maplelady · 12/07/2024 20:55

That’s the only way it makes sense to me. This man is a trained negotiator and there was nothing well thought out or slick about the delivery.

Show quote history

Jesus Christ. And I say this not as an insult, but as frustration because I have been in your shoes.

It's not the only way that makes sense to you. You just can't bring yourself to say out loud that you were not loved, this was deliberate, and his intention was to use and financially abuse you.

That is the reason. That.

Not to say that you are not lovable. But this is an abuser. Many people in the world will love you. This piece of work is a tremendous actor. He does not.

Mydahliasareshit · 12/07/2024 21:03

Get his stuff sorted and bagged up.
You're very nearly free now, hold your nerve.
Enlist every avenue of support you know.
He realised he can't come back from this, and that's why he's run away to formulate his next move.
Get the locks changed. Protect yourself and your child.

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 12/07/2024 21:04

Maplelady · 12/07/2024 20:55

That’s the only way it makes sense to me. This man is a trained negotiator and there was nothing well thought out or slick about the delivery.

Show quote history

I think he can believe it without any consideration of how vulnerable women can be, and their need to have basic self protection in place.
He can believe it while living with someone with more stringent money management habits than him.

I suspect he’d stop believing it if he had a partner inclined to overspend, who didn’t plan for the future or who had a problem with gambling for example.
He might believe it (and feel all manly about it) supporting a partner who didn’t have the same earning potential as him and who was ever so grateful for his taking care of her.

prettybird · 12/07/2024 21:05

A "trained negotiator" would know that first off you have to talk and not assume Confused

You have to establish parameters, wants and needs. Not just what one party's wants and needs are. Both parties, wants and needs are. And establish what a reasonable position is that is acceptable to both parties.

The option in a negotiation is to walk away if wants and needs don't come close to being met.

He's an arse Angry

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 12/07/2024 21:06

I genuinely think some men boys genuinely feel entitled because their parents loved them so much they filled them with a golden sense of self that thinks they are worth it.

Those people can be quite attractive, they are so relaxed and confident. They never suffer a moment’s self doubt.

Olivia2495 · 12/07/2024 21:15

He’s packed a bag and gone to stay with a friend

He is going nowhere. The poxy bag proves it. He’s being manipulative and threatening to abandon you hoping you will cave.

I know it’s difficult op but i really think you need to take control now and end it. I recall when you first posted you wondered if you were being unreasonable and you afforded him the benefit of the doubt.

Tell this scrounging thick cunt it’s over. Bag up his shit and put it outside. There is nothing more to discuss. Take control.

OhcantthInkofaname · 12/07/2024 21:20

The packing the bag and going to the friends is just another part of his "negotiation" manipulation. I'm betting he's telling his friend "she's just so in love with me she cant get along without me." He is a gold digger plain and simple. He is what many of my friends and I call a " payday millionaire".