DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

[Maplelady]

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

A grown adult isn’t entitled to free accommodation. That would make him a cocklodger.

If the £300 isn't going towards a mortgage, what is it going towards?

Sounds like he doesn't want to be committed to you, and it's an easy escape! Do NOT do this. You will be the one on the financial hook and he knows that.

DO NOT DO THIS. Also, how do you not find him a red flag / ick ??

That's very generous of you. However, women shouldn't feel as though they have to show love by letting their partner live for free. Sadly, it often comes back to bite women when they financially support a man. It is also interesting that many men don't show the same generosity to women or if they do, they never fail to remind the woman that they're beholden to them. I think the op has to safeguard her financial future as her DP has no interest in ensuring she is alright from a financial point of view.

Rent. As it should. He’s renting because he doesn’t own. Same as anyone renting. Being in a relationship with the home owner doesn’t mean you get it free - that would make him a sex worker because he’s swapping accommodation for intimacy.

If someone said they wanted to live with me and thought it was okay to only to pay half the bills that would be a massive red flag. There’s more wear and tear on a house when someone moves in with you, works from home, has the spare room for their kids etc. The arrangement should be mutually beneficial. It would be the equivalent of me on my 40k salary asking if I could live with you for £150 a month, have my own office space and the spare room for my kids. The rent was never an issue btw, we agreed on an amount that felt comfortable to both of us before he moved in

What? He works from home and gets the spare room for his kids? That is a massive ask. You have saved him a fortune.

I agree with that poster on that point too. I'd never pay rent to live in my partner's home. I'd pay joint rent if we rented a place together or joint mortgage if we owned a place together, because I'd see that as fair regardless of if they owned another home they were renting out. To pay rent on a home owned outright or mortgaged by only one person who was supposed to be my loving partner though, I'd feel taken advantage of and it would breed resentment. I'd feel a power imbalance of them being effectively my landlord as well as my partner, blurring the boundaries of both. I'd much rather be a lodger in someone else's home and keep the relationship with my partner separate. That would cost no more but would feel fair and right, as though we were equals. I've lived with a partner before who owned their (mortgaged) home. I always felt a little like a guest. Certainly didn't feel I could make any decisions about furniture and furnishings, change rooms round or decorate to my taste without first getting their permission. I was conscious of not putting my income into repairs or maintenance since I had no stake in the property and wasn't willing to pay "rent" which would have been used to pay a mortgage I wasn't part of for a home I didn't own. My partner didn't want to co-own a small flat with me which was all I could afford half of (he wouldn't accept me paying less than half) and preferred living in a 3bed house. I told him if he wanted that he'd have to fund it himself, it being his lifestyle choice. I wasn't trying to fleece him by getting put on the deeds though!

That's not really got anything much to do with your situation though since your partner did agree to paying rent to you and was just happy to be paying less rent than by himself, and since you are willing to share a home jointly owned by both of you and it's him who won't get a mortgage to pay his half of that hypothetical home, then it's him causing the problem.

Why should he live for free

I would do it both ways. If I moved in with a man I sure as hell wouldn't pay their mortgage. Nothing to do with me being a nice woman. I'm being a financially savvy woman.

But he would have been paying off someone else’s mortgage when he was renting… at 2-3x the price most likely!

I think the £600 includes rent too. That is a bargain!

It certainly is. After he's paid OP £600 every month, he has £3.9K take home after tax, N.I and minimal pension contributions, yet he only has £20K saved.

Id feel embarrassed if I earned double what my partner did, went 50:50 on bills, food shopping, holidays etc. and lived in their house for free. I think that would be pretty entitled, especially if I was paying for private rental beforehand.

LOL that’s not “financially savvy” it’s peak cheeky fuckery! 🤣

The fact his money goes to a mortgage is irrelevant.

You meet a man who owns his house. You’re paying £1000 a month to rent somewhere. He’s paying £1000 a month in mortgage.

You could rent a new place together. Or you move in to one of the homes you already live in.

Wherever YOU go you pay £500. But - because it’s paying down a mortgage - you want to live for free? Because you don’t want this person you care about to have any benefit? That’s the most mean-spirited attitude and financially daft. Why wouldn’t you take the opportunity to pay less than market value for a place to live?

But you expect to pay nothing? Good lord!!

Agreed!! No way would I want to move in with someone feel like a freeloader. If I was serious about committing together I would jump at the chance (as in OP’s original posts) to get a mortgage out myself and buy something WITH them.

He said that he needs to have a think about our relationship because I’m thinking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I’ and not ‘us’
what a manipulative man.

No I wouldn't pay more than splitting bills or food. Whatever I had left from my budget, I'd save towards our future plans, like moving house, holiday plans, other agreed savings, depending on goals as a couple.

Expecting to live somewhere for free. Isnt that cocklodging?

My parents are divorced. My dad bought a house. His partner moved in having sold her house. He continued to pay all bills and
mortgage. She paid for quite a lot of holidays. Is that the female equivalent of cock lodging? Or is it different, if so how?

It seemed to work for them as they've been together over 20 years. He's set up his will so she can still live in the house if he dies first.

And what happens if you die before she does?

Nothing, I'm dead. It's a lifetime interest trust with her, DF and DB.

He's got no savings? On an £80k salary and only £600pcm costs?

Not a chance.

He's a liar on top of a CF.

OP - what’s the result of his rethinking your relationship? Have you split up or is he still sulking in your house?

His kids are staying this weekend and I’ve been working shifts so we’ve had no time to talk. I’ve got no idea where his thoughts are at and I’ve just had to concentrate on my work. I’ve said we need to have a talk later in the week where both of us set out the things we would like (in an ideal world) and our non-negotiables.